It’s only Wednesday, but it’s already a terrible week for the self-styled Great Men in History, which means it’s already a wonderful week for me!
Today, we have a Very Special Episode of Great Men in History, focusing on (maybe soon-to-be-ex?!?!) Nvidia leader Jensen Huang, also known as the Godfather of AI.
The last time we checked in with ol’ Jensen before the last couple of weeks, he had just told the whole world that he doesn’t even know his own home address, which probably sounded like a flex to a certain class of man, but to the rest of us made it sound like he has the brain of a toddler!
Here’s what he said just a couple of weeks ago when he was telling the world that kids don’t need to know basic math any more, because of AI, which he is the godfather of, and don’t you ever forget it:
“Try to get a kid to do long division right now… The multiplication table is starting to be forgotten. Doing square roots, my goodness. Basic math is being forgotten. Does it matter? I don’t think it does. I don’t think it does.”
When the interviewer pointed out that there must be some skills that matter, Huang agreed, but wondered if basic math was one of those skills, suggesting we are going to “discover new ones.” He then admitted that because of his own use of AI and other tech, he doesn’t know his own home address and telephone number.
This guy actually doesn’t sound like a brain genius at all, to me! What he sounds like is a fucking dope! He also says the luxury market didn’t exist until halfway through his lifetime. What?
“Listen, there’s a whole bunch of industries that exist today that didn’t exist halfway through my life. People talking about wellness centers and spas and all these different entertainment and luxury industries, and quite frankly, the whole entire luxury market didn’t exist.”
What?? The entire New York Times interview is filled with batshit insane proclamations like these, and Ezra Klein just sits there and makes srs-face at him, I mean, I assume, because I am not going to watch after my nightmare with the lady MAGA podcasters caused me to take several points of psychic damage!
But through the lens of “Jensen is a big fucking dummy, actually” the NYT interview he did with Ezra Klein is a lot easier to parse, like when he describes AI as a “five-layer cake” or when he says, “In the future, you can’t graduate without learning how to use an A.I. and collaborate with an agentic system. You’re not going to see a kid like that. So they’re all going to be superpowers.”
Superpowers who have no idea how to get home! Unknowable genius? Or just a legitimate dumb fuck? I know what I think.
This all caused quite a stir, but we were all bestirred much more when a much funnier (to me, a person who does not own Nvidia stock) story dropped, which is that this brain genius has fallen for the oldest trick in the book, which is getting honeypotted by a schmeXXXy laydee who is just a silly girl with her head screwed on all wrong but needs a nice Daddy figure to teach her all about how to run a business, because she is only a simple Megaspeed associate.
TechCrunch has a timeline that is kind of confusing but shows that his relationship with Alice Huang (no relation, I hope) has been going on since at least 2025. And Ms. Huang has allegedly been feeding all the pillow talk information he gives her straight back to Chinese authorities, and his buddy President Donald Trump knew about it and didn’t do anything! The NYT has more:
Last month, The Times reported that U.S. officials had concluded she was a Chinese intelligence asset who had developed a close relationship with the Nvidia leader, and that President Trump had taken no action when briefed on the situation last year. Last week, The Times reported that Ms. Huang had been recruited to spy by China’s Ministry of State Security.
Jensen has already gotten right out there and admitted he and this much younger lady have been doing the dirty, which I personally think should go into the big-ass pile of evidence I am compiling right here that Jensen is a total dumbfuck! There’s trying to direct a narrative, and then there’s getting out there and pouring gallons of gasoline on it and stacking firewood on it so it turns into a conflagration. What are you doing, man?
And then he apologized to his WIFE OF FORTY YEARS.
To my wife and family: I love you. I know an apology cannot undo what I have done. I hope our family will heal and that, over time, I can earn back your trust.
Bruv, I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen. I was reading up on Jensen Huang’s wife Lori, and she definitely is the brains in the relationship. She got him through college! Listen to this!
“I know I look like a child and therefore her first impression of me is that I’m pretty smart…. I walked up to her and said, ‘Do you want to see my homework?’ Then I made her a promise: ‘If you do homework with me every Sunday, I promise you, you’ll get straight A’s.’”
I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t say whether Lori Mills was already getting straight A’s, which she probably was. She graduated with a degree in electrical engineering, which is not exactly what you major in if you’re trying to have a good time in college, that’s what philosophy is for, heyooooo!
And then he made her into his mommy!
“Lori took care of everything and I don’t remember her complaining one time,” Mr. Huang said on the podcast “How I Built This.” “That’s the gift that she gave me.”
Remember my theory that he is actually just kind of stupid? Well, here’s an addendum to that theory, which is that I think he thinks his own AI creations are doing things for him, but it’s actually his wife. In fact, I will go out on a limb here and say that the reason so many of these dudes are so into AI is because “AI,” for them, actually means “my wife,” or, unfortunately for all of us, “any nearby woman.” So it wasn’t a brilliant brain genius thing he had invented taking care of him, it was his mommy, I mean, his spouse.
I’m not exactly the first person to point out how female-coded all these “helper robots” are, up to and including AI, and I am definitely not the first woman to notice how creepy all the men making them are. And, I would add, the consent-free way they have shoved AI into every industry is absolutely part of their creepiness. You can’t have people like that at the top and then expect them to not affect the general culture, and our culture is being badly affected by these fucked-up AI techbros, who are openly trying to re-create women, but in the form of bang-maids who won’t complain! Kind of like honeypotting spy-ladies, amirite?
So how many prominent men have gone down because of alleged honeypot types in the past couple of years? Right off the top of my head I can think of:
Solidarity with all these guys’ long-suffering wives, but also, solidarity with the poor alleged spies who endured the inexpert, sweaty gropings of these gross, terrible men, all of whom just look like they smell like sausage at all times, in order to gain their trust and glean information for their respective nations. Say what you will about international honeypot spies (allegedly!) but you can’t call them lazy!
Guys! She really isn’t that into you, and if you think she is, you’re an idiot.
And remember: Loose lips sink ships, but loose dicks sink top stock picks! I cooked that banger up in the shower, aren’t you proud of me?
I still do long division when working out problems on the chalk board because I'm too lazy to punch numbers into a calculator.
Language is obsolete, because now we have emojis.
Math is obsolete, because now we have AI.
It's a good thing poo-flinging never goes out of style, or we'd have nothing left of human culture.