The Snake Oil Bulletin: Let's Slut It Up With Some Hot Hugging Action!
Are you ready again for your weekly dose of scammery and flimflammery to wash away all those good feelings you've built up over the week? Then welcome again to the Snake Oil Bulletin!
Greetings to you, sinners! And a special Platinum Greeting™ to all of our Premium Platinum Membership Sinners®, who so generously donated to the Snake Oil Bulletin Certified Snake Oil Tincture Club™ for the low, low price of only $49.99 a minute and their first born child! What a bargain! What a steal!
Let's waste no time today, and dive headlong into the world of Christianist Evangelization, and find out more about those dirty icky parts that even our magic underwear just can't seem to cover.
Christian school teaches girls important lesson that hugging leads to fornication
Our first story on today's Bulletin comes courtesy of our friends in Australia. If the mere existence of Ken Ham is any indication, Australia is having a bit of an Evangelical surge in recent decades, with Christianist schools gushing all over the countryside like so many prickly pears. And much like in the US, our Evangelicals down under have some fascinating ideas about The Sexing Times. Specifically they have some interesting ideas about how those women creatures work during The Sexing Times, because did you know that their fragile lady chemicals get all confounded up by sinful acts like, say, hugging? Neither did we! Let's read on.
School administrators at Fairhills High School just outside of Melbourne decided that instead of teaching real sex ed with actual people trained to do so, they'd outsource the job to a Pentacostal megachurch called CityLife. The upstanding folks at CityLife decided to touch the sensitive subject of sex by distributing to the public school students a booklet with the apparently unironic title of "Science and Facts." And what a booklet it is! Lord only knows what wonders can we expect from a book that opens with the charming line that "girls are needier than guys in a relationship and always want to be close." Dames, AMIRITE FELLAS? Just can't keep their hands off us with their nagging and neediness, also too, power tools, red meat, and bitches be shoppin'.
But don't be too quick to dismiss this misogynistic claptrap. The writers of "Science and Facts" come equipped with both! Just listen to their quick primer on how women are needy because of God-given biology:
It said that a chemical called oxytocin is released when "two people touch," and was produced by women more than men, making them needier.
"If a woman becomes physically close and hugs a guy for 20 seconds it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. Then if the guy wants to take the relationship further it will become harder for her to say no," the booklet said.
Hear that, ladies? All that libidinous "hugging" you chicks are getting up to is messing with your delicate lady brains! Why just the sheer act of wrapping your silken arms around a young man's strong yet comforting chest is enough to send your hormones spiraling out of control. Not only will it be impossible for you to say no to a fellow that you hugged only once, but it will lead you from morally dangerous Christian side-hugs towards full-contact coital hugging!
It warned that having too many relationships could break "this special chemical bond" and harm a woman's capacity to form future relationships.
"Having multiple sex partners is almost like tape that loses its stickiness after being applied and removed multiple times. So the more you have the harder it is to bond to the next," it said.
Oh for fuck's sake. Why not just call vaginas "shitty locks" and get it over with? We all know that's where you're going with this. Dude bros can bang as many ladies as they want, whether they want it or not, but ain't no ladies allowed to like or even want sex until it's their wedding day with their one and only. In fact, even if a lady has sex forced upon her, it's still her fault because she tempted the poor man to rape her, what with being all "under ten years old" and "his younger sister." It's her own fault for letting her tape lose its stickiness.
YouTube preacher discovers that the Leap Second is a sign of the End Times, just like literally everything ever
You know what we haven't had in a while? Some old fashioned internet crazy. The kind you find browsing YouTube or Reddit when it's 3: 00 AM and you already promised your lovely spouse, life partner, and/or sapient turtle that you'd come to bed hours ago. Fortunately this week has given your Volpe the chance to finally cover one of his favorite interbutt preachers, Anita Fuentes.
Pastor Fuentes is an Evangelical YouTube preacher par excellence , who runs the aptly named Open Your Eyes People Ministries (commas go against the will of God, pleb). She's mastered the subtle mix of charisma and insanity that is needed to hold the minds and wallets of the venomous scum who populate YouTube comments -- the people who interrupt discussions of which kitten in "Cute Kittens on Parade" is the cutest with a fiery invective about the coming of our wrathful Lord Jesus Christ.
While most of her early work is flying solo, Anita's more recent videos feature appearances from her dear husband, and the quality has suffered accordingly. Let's be generous and say Mr. Fuentes lacks Anita's charisma. Let's be a little less generous and say that Mr. Fuentes has all the charisma of a Droopy Dog cartoon accidentally switched to Spanish when you sat on the remote. We miss Anita's videos which featured a solo, visibly unmedicated woman sitting alone in her office and screaming into a camera about demons. Mr. Fuentes is the Yoko of this channel.
The Fuenteses speculate wildly as to the meaning behind the (now past) leap second that we all enjoyed on June 30th at 11: 59 -- the couple really hammer home that 11:59 number as you'll see. While most people paid attention enough to know that the second came about thanks to the inherent discrepancies between a static calendar system and an ever-so-slightly changing planetary rotation around the sun, the Fuenteses don't even read that far in the article before determining that the leap second is either (a) a plot by the New World Order to shut down their YouTube channel specifically, (b) a sign from God Almighty that the End Times are coming (somehow?), or (c) the coming worldwide computer crash we were all hoping for on Y2K but didn't get. Thankfully Anita informs us that while nothing happened at Y2K "in the physical," we can be assured that the last countdown to the last countdown began in the spiritual. How many damn countdowns does Jesus need to remind himself when to start the Apocalypse? He must be one of those guys that sets six alarms on his phone, all five minutes apart, just to make sure he wakes up on time to take Lauren to the airport.
Mr. Fuentes asks if the Earth is slowing down because of "The Beast," which is also a satellite or something? We get lost around here. Anita recovers and brings it back to CERN, pointing out that the research laboratory will be responsible for bringing about the Anti-Christ, probably at 11: 59 (there's that number again). We're not sure the connection there, but it makes sense in Anita's follow-up video on the subject.
Anita continues her discussion, but opens by holding paper printouts of internet articles up to the camera. Being a millennial, your Volpe has never seen this "paper" substance before, so he is instantly confused.
Anita summarizes her husband's theory better by asserting that the Anti-Christ is the one responsible for changing time, which makes a bit more sense if you don't stop and think about it at all, ever. Anita asserts that God invented clocks and thus only he has the authority to change time, which is pretty impressive for a guy so confused by time that He made day, night, and plants before He even made the Sun.
Anita continues to hammer this 11: 59 number like she did in her last video, and with seemingly no sense made of it. Have you figured it out yet?Turns out 11: 59 is the name of one of her ministry's programs , specifically the "membership" portion of said ministry. If you agree to become an 11: 59 Partner (a reference to Jesus' countdown alarm clock we mentioned earlier), you can get exclusive information on the coming Tribulation / Anti-Christ / 666 / CERN Agenda that only Anita can provide you, for as little as $5 a month to as much as a whopping $1,000 a month.
Stoking fear is an excellent tool to gain a captive audience: if you're the only one with the INSIDER information, your flock will seek answers from no other salesman. And if you emphasize in every message that this deal is going fast (or, even better, that the entire world as we know it is going fast), that just encourages your sheep to buy your snake oil quicker. Really brilliant strategy. Whether or not Anita's NWO paranoia is real or not (our vote is for real seeing as this woman seems to think that gay marriage means Christians are going to be executed ), once she heard the call of the Almighty Dollar, she knew a cash cow when she saw it. In the end, 11: 59 is not the sign of the End Times, but nothing more than a product name drop for Anita, and it's paying off for her bank account.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
You know what the Constitution needs? A little more gay killin' . Hop to it, fellas.
Tom Delay has the inside scoop on Obama's dog-boning, kiddie-diddling agenda . Good for Tom Delay; at least he's got something to occupy his time.
A murderous fuckhead has been threatening female pastors with death for the crime of pastoring while vagina'd. He is no doubt FILLED with Christ's love.
A Catholic hospital in Michigan believed in the sanctity of life so fully, they didn't want to abort a dead baby even if it killed the mother. What a bunch of fucking saints.
I wanna watch Anita go head to head with the Austin Atheists Network. Popcorn all around!
Ah yes, but Lucifer was portrayed by Viggo Mortenson, who was totally hiding under the bed.