The Tale Of Matt Gaetz And The Sexxxy Teenager Sex Parties :/

Weirdest episode of 'Sweet Valley High' ever.

For more than three years now, America has been tortured nauseated to the point of near unconsciousness by this vital question: Did squinty-eyed smegma goblin Matt Gaetz and his greasy pompadour boink a 17-year-old girl at the center of sex trafficking allegations against him either before, during, or after he attended an alcohol-and-drug-fueled party full of underage girls and a bunch of thirtysomething bros at a lobbyist’s house in Florida?

Gaetz, who on his best days resembles the smarmy preppy villain in a 1980s sex comedy and on his worst days resembles the smarmy preppy villain in a 1980s sex comedy, has always denied being at that particular party, let alone boinking the teenager. Not, we suspect, because he’s so modest and would never besmirch a young woman’s honor by bragging about a sexual conquest, but because he went to law school and knows about statutory rape laws.

Gaetz has long sworn he was nowhere near the party, which was held at the house of his friend, a lobbyist named Chris Dorworth. Now, thanks to new court filings in Florida, we have confirmation of what we all pretty much knew, which is that Matt Gaetz is full of it.

The new affidavits come courtesy of a lawsuit Dorworth filed in federal court against several people, including the girl and Gaetz’s alleged sex trafficking partner Joel Greenberg (who is currently serving 11 years in the slammer related to the allegations). The lobbyist has long sworn he was also not at this party and has been dragged into the whole sordid mess just because he’s a friend of Gaetz.

Dorworth dropped the lawsuit on Sept. 5, but now the defendants are trying to recover attorney fees. Thus is there an incredible irony here noted by the outlet NOTUS, which broke the story, and that is that this information, the first time public court documents containing sworn testimony against Gaetz have surfaced, were a direct result of Dorworth trying to make his own lawsuit go away.

'Sex Parties With Matt Gaetz' Literally The Last Thing We Wanted To Think About This Morning

Let’s go to the details:

One eyewitness cited in the court filings, a young woman referred to as K.M., provided a sworn affidavit that claimed the teenage girl was naked, partygoers were there to “engage in sexual activities,” and “alcohol, cocaine, ecstasy … and marijuana” were present. The teenage girl was identified in the filings only as A.B.

KM was one of three eyewitnesses who swore in their affidavits that both Gaetz and Dorworth were at the party on July 17, 2017. One of those eyewitnesses is an ex-girlfriend of Gaetz’s who was also there that night. Hell hath fury and all that.

Interestingly, the ex-girlfriend gave her testimony on Sept. 3. Two days later, Dorworth dropped the lawsuit.

Now, we can’t say for sure that there is a connection between those two events. But if there isn’t a connection, that is quite a coincidence. As always, would it be irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to!

For his part, Dorworth told NOTUS that he never met the 17-year-old once, that she is lying about both him and his buddy Matt Gaetz, and that he passed a polygraph years ago.

So on the one hand, we have the notoriously unreliable polygraph test. On the other hand, we have sworn testimony in legal documents filed two days before Dorworth decided to drop the lawsuit. We know who we’re giving the benefit of the doubt to here.

We apologize for making you think about Matt Gaetz sexing up teenagers on a weekend, but we’re all in hell here.

[NOTUS]

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