Donald Trump got some kind of new deal from the prosecutors regarding his $175 million bond. He has to keep getting new deals because he can’t just post his bond regular-like, because he ain’t rich enough. [Guardian]
Mr. Sleepypoots’s criminal trial got off to its official start yesterday. This Daily Beast headline is beeeyoootiful. [Daily Beast]
LMAO Jesse Watters says poor old Trump is simply too old to be sitting in that courtroom all day long. Keep talking, Creeper. [JoeMyGod]
Rebel Wilson says a British royal invited her to an orgy WHAT? [Daily Beast]
The Atlantic asks “What if Mike Johnson is actually good at this?” like it’s just trying to piss us off. Fuck that. What if HAKEEM JEFFRIES is good at this and Mike Johnson has HAKEEM JEFFRIES to thank for the fact that MTG hasn’t Jewish Space Lasered him? [Atlantic]
Speaking of, Mooooorrrrrrre Reppppublicanssssss Fightingggggggg! It’s so fun. [Washington Post]
In California, a couple state senators — one Democratic, one Republican — think it would be a good idea to essentially for all practical purposes ban CLEAR in California airports. (It’s one of those things where if you join, in some airports you get a dedicated lane to get through that pre-security line, and just essentially get escorted through. Lots of people like to combine it with TSA Pre-Check for an extremely fast airport security experience.) They’re not targeting Pre-Check or Global Entry, just CLEAR. It is our reasoned opinion that this is fucked up, as ideas go. [Politico]
Hey, this is “tabs,” right? Here’s some LEGIT TABS, like the kind that are literally open in our browser. Is your shoulder fucked up? Did you have to go to the doctor this week because of a massive pinched nerve and now you have to do physical therapy? If yes, then here is a thing about how to help your dumb idiot shoulder, and then after that, another one. [TrainHeroic / OrthoInfo]
Our friend says this crispy baked pasta with mushrooms and other yummy business was the bomb. We haven’t made it yet, but we’re gonna. [SeriousEats]
Are these vegetables misunderstood? Can this chef teach you how to un-mis-understand them? [Washington Post]
Speaking of recipes and misunderstood vegetables, have any of you ever made “ramps” or know where the fuck to find them? Because this batshit soup is made with ramps and white asparagus and whole mace spice — basically it’s a scavenger hunt recipe, go to every store in your state to find these ingredients! — and we will not rest until we have made it. [Food & Wine]
“Meadow” has some big armpit hair. Well, she does, and somebody wrote to Dear Abby about it! [Dear Abby]
OK on that note, goodbye!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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I wrote you a thing about Supermarionation today, which is your hed gif explainer and source info also too:
https://open.substack.com/pub/martiniambassador/p/fireball-xl5-and-the-doomed-planet
So Biden wants funds for Ukraine, Republicans say "not a penny for Ukraine if you don't secure the border first, here are our demands". Biden says "sure, I'll give you all that, a nice bipartisan bill, we've been trying to secure the border but don't have enough resources". Effectively calling the GOP's bluff, he puts it in their court and they fumble badly, scuttling the deal and making clear to the public that they were never serious about the border, they just like to be able to keep bitching about it.
Months go by, then they finally pass Ukraine aid with no border bill, giving Biden exactly what he wanted with no concessions to Republicans.
So the media sees an obvious Biden win (as well as the fact that Mike Johnson's caucus hates him now, and at best he'll survive until 2025, and only if Hakeem Jeffries wants to save him) and how do they frame it?
"Big win for Mike Johnson, our latter day Churchill."
Sorry Times Pitchbot, but satire is dead.