There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why:

[T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was escorted from the building on Friday Feb. 13.

When asked why she doesn't come do nice flowers at the White House anymore, Dowling issued a statement THROUGH HER LAWYER:

Hours after we put in a call to Dowling’s Alexandria floral design shop, Intérieurs et Fleurs, she issued a statement via the law firm Sidley Austin.

“After almost 6 years as Chief Floral Designer at the White House, I have resigned in order to pursue exciting new opportunities and explore my passion for floral artistry and design,” she said. “Over the next few weeks and months, I’ll be launching a new platform for my work as an author, speaker, instructor and design consultant that builds on the creative ideas and partnerships I’ve formed during my tenure there. It’s been such an honor to work at the White House and I will always be grateful for this incredible opportunity.”

First off, Laura Dowling, well done on the French rhyming in the name of your business. We are not aware of all French traditions, and have no idea whether they like rhymes, but it definitely sounds like a cute thing an American would do.

But she was "escorted" from the White House! Sounds serious! The anonymous "source" in the White House said they don't know the reason Dowling is gone, but that he/she could "think of a few." So can Wonkette!

Possibility #1: She just decided to change jobs, oh well.

Possibility #2: Michelle Obama fired her, probably for stealing vegetables from the White House garden to use in her arrangements. The article does state that decisions like these come from The Top, AKA, the First Lady, and Ms. Obama was planning to force that kale down preschoolers' throats, it was NOT for decoration. She fired the pastry chef in a similar fashion, doncha know.

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Possibility #3: The Obamas do nothing all day until it's time for a Gay Wedding, at which point they request All The Flowers. Laura Dowling does not like this, because she has Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs about flowers, gays, and the combination of the two. "My flowers have a certain joie de vivre about them, not a joie de STEVE ," she often can be heard saying, to her own reflection. Getting out of flower work by screaming "Jesus!" is all the rage these days, after all.

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Possibility #4: Maybe everyone just hates her. Glance if you will at the official statement from the First Lady's office:

"As Chief Florist, Laura Dowling and her team treated guests of the White House to their beautiful floral arrangements. Ms. Dowling’s creations were always lively and colorful, reflecting not only the season but the unique and historic rooms which they graced. No two arrangements were ever the same and each one left guests with a lasting impression of the elegance and history of the People’s House.  We are grateful for her contribution over the years and wish her well."

Oh, that is some side-eye right there. Her "creations" were "lively and colorful" and left "lasting impressions." Translation:  Laura is a BITCH and we HATE HER, with Sasha and Malia Obama's signatures at the bottom, in glitter.

Possibility #5: What does she know about Benghazi? Was she ordered to make gay wedding cakes, for Benghazi and Fast And Furious? We didn't even know they were engaged! Did she email Hillary Clinton about it? OOH.

Possibility #6: She is pregnant with Barack Obama's baby. Probably not though, everybody knows that President Obama is gay. BUT MAYBE HE IS GAY FOR FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS.

So those are the scenarios we can think of, about the florist who clearly doesn't love America enough to make flowers for it. Feel free to write your own Laura Dowling Left The White House fan fiction in the comments!

[ Washington Post ]