Check Out President Brain Hemorrhoids' 1993 Plan To Become King Of England By F*cking Lady Di!

Out of your league, bro, and also NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

A lot of people think Donald Trump has dementia or that his brain is otherwise imploding from syphilis and/or lack of usage.

The end, that's the whole post!

Haha we are just teasing, there is a reason we brought it up. In an interview last year, Fran Lebowitz, who's in a position to know such things, said about the current president that "You do not know anyone as stupid as Donald Trump. You just don't." And in the course of reporting out stories about Trump's bizarre obsession with the British royal family, which serve as a backdrop for his disastrous state visit with the Queen, we have found an example of the man's stupidity that happened in 1993, which might make you question whether his mind really is going, or if it's always been the collection of dead armadillos it seems to be these days. (Or maybe, if you are like Wonkette, you will be open to the possibility that he's both always been that stupid and that he's deteriorating. It just seems to us to be the fairest interpretation of the facts.)

As CNN's KFile reports, Howard Stern asked Trump in 1993 if rumors were true that Lady Diana was looking to move into Trump Tower. (They weren't, but more on that in a second.) And this is what he said:

"That's true," Trump said.

"Does that mean she's contacted you?" asked Stern.

"I hope she's looking at --- She is really hot. She has gained 20-25 pounds, she looks great," Trump said, saying he'd love to date the princess. "There could be a love interest. I'd become King of England. King of England. I'd have to leave, I'd have to lose the New York accent quickly. See they wouldn't like my accent over there."

Please take a moment to absorb the breathtaking stupidity, ignorance of basic knowledge, and entirely unwarranted confidence in that statement. He literally thought Diana might be interested in his crap-ass ugly self. He was blissfully unaware that dating and possibly marrying Diana would actually not result in his being the King of England. And he was thinking it through enough that he was realizing he'd have to try to get rid of his New York accent.

YOU BETCHA!

That anecdote is the culmination of a series of stories ranging from 1981 to 1995, wherein Trump consistently and constantly lied about Diana, and sometimes Prince Charles, buying condos in Trump Tower and joining Mar-a-Lago, when absolutely nothing of the sort was happening. And surprise, it sounds like the stories were seeded into the tabloids -- and sometimes made their way into real news! -- by none other than Trump AKA John Barron AKA whatever he was calling himself when he would act as an anonymous source for the New York Post .

It was never, ever happening. Each and every time a reporter would get Buckingham Palace on the lorry, the response would be "PIP PIP, THE FUCK YOU SAY!" or however they say "That is not true" in British Royal Talk.

There were stories of the couple buying in Trump Tower when they were together in the 1980s, and there were stories of Diana buying there once divorced. In that 1993 interview with Stern, KFile reports that Trump REALLY wanted Diana at Mar-a-Lago for a party, and issued the ultimatum that she couldn't have an apartment in Trump Tower (that she wasn't looking at or even interested in) if she didn't come to the party:

"We're going to try to get Lady Di," Trump said. "We're trying to get Lady Di actually to come to the party. It's a part of the deal for buying the apartment in Trump Tower. She can't have the apartment in Trump Tower unless she comes to the party."

The very next year, in 1994, the New York Post had yet another story of Diana buying an apartment in Trump Tower. Andrew Lloyd Webber was helping drive the deal!

A spokeswoman for Andrew Lloyd Webber told CNN on Monday the report was fiction. "Andrew Lloyd Webber did not steer Princess Diana towards an apartment in Trump Tower, they were not well acquainted."

Oh, and did you hear that Charles and Diana were separately jonesing to be inaugural members of Mar-a-Lago, and that they both had coughed up the $50,000 fee to join? Trump was really excited about it, because pretending royals are going to join your club is a way bigger thing than pretending regular celebs are going to join your club:

"I think it's different for obvious reasons. We have a lot of incredible celebrities, but this is just different," Trump said, according to the Palm Beach Post. 

But of course ...

Buckingham Palace, again, quickly shot down the claim.

"It's complete nonsense," a spokesperson said . "They have not joined the club."

In the end, Trump tried to save face by claiming that actually it was just that he offered both Charles and Di "honorary memberships," and that he hadn't heard back, but he was pretty sure they'd be calling him and begging to join his trash palace Florida club before you know it. YOU BETCHA.

So where did all these stories come from? A guy who used to work at Page Six can't remember if it was Trump himself or somebody in the Trump Organization, but he's definitely saying a lot of stories came directly from Trump's ass to the reporters at the Post .

"I can't recall if it was him or someone in his organization," [Bill] Hoffman told CNN in a phone interview. "Trump spoke to me a lot off the record, or a source close to Trump. It could have been him. He would call up for scoops, things that would benefited [ sic ] him."

We encourage you to read the whole thing, because we left out 90 percent of the details, and also because it's just more proof that Trump, on top of being the stupidest person alive in America today, is also the most pathetic liar who ever existed.

As we noted in our post about Maggie Haberman's ridiculous article about Trump Family As Royal Family, Donald Trump has been obsessed with having the royals' approval, probably because he is a poor man's idea of a rich man whose entire face confirms the old adage about how money doesn't buy taste or class or a face that doesn't scare small children or a brain or a penis that isn't shaped like a Nintendo character. (We may have amended the adage.)

So what did the late Diana really think of Trump? According to Selina Scott, a journalist in the UK, after Diana and Charles got divorced, Trump pathetically and constantly sent Diana flowers and notes, which led to this exchange between Scott and Diana:

"'What am I going to do? He gives me the creeps," to which Scott replied "Just throw them in the bin."

And that was the end of Trump's dreams of becoming the King of England by convincing Lady Di to fuck him.

WOMP WOMP.

[ CNN KFile / USA Today ]

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