This Is Just Some Really Good Evangelical Advice On How Not To Get Astral Projected On
It's a very common problem!
Do you ever worry, while you are taking a shower or alone and picking your nose, that there is someone else in the room with you? Probably not! Well, unless you are Charisma News host John Matarazzo, who is concerned — and believes his viewers are concerned — that “shamans and Satanists” could be astral projecting on them right at this very moment.
But good news! Matarazzo brought “author, filmmaker and end-times expert L.A. Marzulli,” on his show to give his viewers some hot tips about how to avoid this and also avoid astral projecting themselves.
Marzulli claims to have been a veteran astral projector at one point in his life when he was really into New Age stuff and also knew a “Navajo elder” who was supposed to become a shaman but because in order to do that you have to kill a family member (unverified claim!), instead he became an alcoholic. Luckily, both of them ultimately found Jesus.
According to Marzulli, astral projection is real and also how “shamans and satanists” get around and listen in on the conversations of good Christians. They get their power, he says, from the Second Heaven, which I am just going to go ahead and assume is a prequel to the late ‘90s/early 2000s WB series 7th Heaven. You know, the super religious one starring Jessica Biel and that guy who turned out to be a pedophile?
Here he goes!
In this very confusing interview, Marzulli also claims to have once been astral projected onto a white horse by God, and was riding with the armies of heaven. That was okay and holy, because God did it! But other astral projection is not fine and you definitely shouldn’t do it. Like this other time when he saw a shadow in his room and just knew someone was astral projecting in there — so he “went into warfare, prayed against it and just did what [he] had to do.”
You know it’s true because Clay Aiken sang a song about it.
So what do we have to do to avoid shamans and Satanists and American Idols showing up in our bedrooms? Well, according to Charisma News, “[b]y following these steps and embracing the protective mantle of divine authority, believers can effectively combat astral projection and navigate the spiritual realm with confidence and assurance.”
1. Acknowledge the reality. Begin by acknowledging the reality of astral projection. As Marzulli affirms, drawing from personal experiences and testimonies, "Astral projection is real."
Oh, well, if he says so …
2. Understand the enemy's tactics. Recognize that engaging in astral projection can open doors to spiritual dangers. Marzulli emphasizes the importance of understanding the enemy's tactics and discerning the deceptive allure of spiritual exploration beyond God's ordained boundaries. He reminds us, "We need to understand what the enemy is up to," urging believers to remain vigilant and discerning.
And apparently their tactics include astral projection. To what end, that is not entirely clear.
3. Cultivate spiritual discernment. Develop a keen sense of spiritual discernment to distinguish between divine encounters and deceptive manifestations. Marzulli underscores the necessity of discernment in navigating the spiritual realm, recalling his own experience: "Lord, if this isn't from you in Jesus' name, let's stop this right now." This prayerful approach allows believers to discern the source of spiritual experiences and align themselves with God's will.
Remember, if you ask Him if He’s Jesus and He’s not, He has to tell you.
4. Embrace divine authority. Remember that as believers, you possess divine authority over spiritual forces. Marzulli emphasizes the authority bestowed upon believers to tread upon serpents and scorpions and overcome the power of the enemy. He asserts, "We have all authority ... nothing will harm us," highlighting the protective promise available to all believers.
Except, of course, to those who died while snake handling. RIP!
5. Call upon the angels. One powerful tool in combating astral projection is invoking angelic intervention. Marzulli shares his own testimony of calling upon the angels for assistance, witnessing their swift response in pushing back darkness and bringing peace. Believers can confidently call upon the angels, knowing that they are empowered by Christ Himself. "It's important for us as Christians to never be afraid to call on the angels, who are ministering spirits under the command of those who will inherit salvation," he says.
It’s not clear why the angels have to do that if he can also ask the Lord to stop it — is it out of politeness? Like in case Jesus is busy with other things at the moment, the angels can run that particular errand for him?
6. Engage in spiritual warfare. Engage in spiritual warfare through prayer, invoking the name of Jesus and declaring God's promises of protection. Marzulli highlights the importance of actively resisting spiritual attacks and standing firm in faith to combat spiritual darkness. When faced with oppressive forces, he demonstrates the power of prayer, declaring, "I command you to draw your swords and push the darkness away." This invocation of spiritual authority invokes the assistance of angelic beings, who stand ready to defend against malevolent influences.
This seems a lot like the last three steps …
7. Seek God's guidance. Above all, seek God's guidance and wisdom in navigating spiritual matters. Remain grounded in Scripture and in communion with the Holy Spirit, allowing God to lead and protect you in all spiritual endeavors.
This really does not seem much like a seven step process. At best it is three, and that is being kind of generous, given that the first step is acknowledging that it is real and the second is acknowledging that one’s enemies are doing it.
After reading this, you are probably wondering if this guy has any more wisdom to impart — and he does! Except it’s not so much about Jesus as it is about aliens. He brags that his ministry is the only Christian ministry that has six films about UFOs, which may or may not be true, given that this is not exactly the kind of thing one can Google.
PREVIOUSLY:
I heard a noise, it was so many, many voices all saying "what the fuck?" at the same time.
Jesus ad, drink! Drink wine would seem appropriate.