This One Time, At War Game? Tabs, Fri., March 13, 2026

Morning news roundup and things to read!

Tabs gif by your friend Martini Glambassador!

Good morning good morning, here have some news!

This one time, we did a war game, and the retired brigadier general playing “Iraq and Iran basically,” with no navy and no … other important military stuff … kicked the US’s ass like on the very first day. So they redid the game and said he wasn’t allowed to win. Anyway, now we have Trump and Real Iran and uhhhhhh. (This story is much better written than that and also is not dumb and stupid.) (N+1 mag)

Pete Hegseth’s holy night was the night Donald Trump pardoned some war criminals for shooting children. Everything about him is poison (Gift link New York Times)

What in the sweet baby jesus is this story, “Follow the Zorro Ranch Money,” about Jeffrey Epstein winning $85 million in the Oklahoma lottery? And when is the next installment coming out??? (Elisa Valdes-Rodriguez)

Ed Martin should get disbarred for this too. What a poisonous toad! (2025 Pro Publica)

Oh lord, my beloved old people, pick up your tennis-ball-footed walkers and RUN. The DOGE boys from Marcie’s post the other day are “buying businesses in senior care.” (404 Media)

This other DOGE bro is pretty sure he’ll get a presidential pardon if he goes to prison for stealing the entire nation’s Social Security data. No one’s ever been more right. (Gift link Washington Post / Wired)

Tiedrich found a hero reporter. Her name is Liz Landers, and you should try to ignore the terrible mechanical whine and enjoy!

You guys aren’t going to believe this, but the Senate passed a bipartisan housing bill by Tim Scott and Professor Senator Edubs Warren. Trump says he won’t sign it because he hasn’t gotten his SAVE America From Married Women Voting And Also Something About The Trans. (Gift link NYT)

You guys are going to believe this, and Washington state just passed a millionaire’s tax, heart eyes emoji! (My Northwest)

You guys are going to believe this too: government protections for domestic workers in Washington state! (Washington State Standard)

Man, the Florida Lege is really feeling its oats. Its crazy crazy crazy oats. First they said Gov. Ron DeSantis can fire local elected officials for the sin of PRIDE (Erin in the Morning), and now they’re making it illegal for local governments to do anything climate-related, like buy hybrids or electric cars. (Tampa Bay Times)

Late update, I forgot to give you this week’s Saturday Night Movie Night! Join ZiggyWiggy at 9 p.m. eastern to watch Them! available for free on the Internet Archive. $3.99 in the usual places.

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Yes I’m going to be shilling this fundraiser all month. Support the girls’ Detroit public elementary school and buy some pizza (pizza). Little Caesar’s will ship the incredibly convenient pizza kits right to your home! Swear to god it is worth having these in your freezer, I was sad when we finally ate all ours last year. (Pizza Pizza)

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