Help Stop Gay Marriage: Don't Stuff Your Face So Much

The homosexxers have had a great run lately. With the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, the end of DOMA and 17 states permitting the homosexxicans to get all gay married, it’s been all rainbows and glitter for the last couple of years. But, it’s time to give it up and just go back in the closet. The Family Foundation of Virginia has caught on to your equality-related scheme and they are ready to put an end to it. By fasting. 

You know those gays, they just hate seeing people go without food. Oh wait, isn’t that grandmothers? Crap, someone better let the Family Foundation know they’ve gotten confused. And maybe bring them some cookies. Betcha a cookie would help them out with that twist they’ve gotten in their knickers.

Oh, you think that might interfere with their fast? Oh no. Turns out, the Huff Post was all confused when they reported that the group was abstaining from eating. The Family Foundation hastens to clarify that they aren’t that into this whole thwarting the gays thing. Not eating? Don’t be ridiculous. Nothing’s important enough to starve yourself. No, the Family Foundation was thinking more like -- give up your Diet Coke to thwart teh gays, in the spirit of humility and sacrifice:

Our friends on the secular left I’m afraid have gotten their hopes up just a bit. I’m sorry to have to dampen their excitement over the impending death of followers of Christ, but the word “fast” does not translate to “hunger strike.” Sometimes, Christians do indeed fast completely -- without food -- for a brief period of time, like 24 hours, as an act of humility in seeking a deeper relationship with God. More often, fast means giving up something like a food item -- let’s say our addiction to diet coke for example -- for a longer period of time.

Oh, and it’s not just about thwarting teh gays, it’s mostly about this whole crazy, post-modern world we find ourselves living in. Relativity of ethics and what not. No seriously, they have a whole fucking philosophical debate goin’ on over there:

Our state and nation are mired in a morass of confusion and post-modern thinking that does not believe in absolutes nor that any truth can even be known. Nowhere is this more evident than in the current debate raging about what constitutes marriage. Pagan philosophies, a secular humanist education establishment and an entertainment industry that is absolutely determined in pushing the envelope on decency and morality have all combined to turn this great land into a country that our forefathers could not even begin to recognize.

In our brief perusal of The Family Foundation’s blogs, we’ve seen three posts lambasting our post-modern society, one that gets all fired up about “critical thinking” and a lecture on the cadence of speech. What the fuck kind of organization is this exactly?

According to their “About” page it is some kind of non-partisan lobbying group dedicated to family values.

Non-profit and non-partisan, The Family Foundation of Virginia is the Commonwealth’s oldest and most influential pro-family advocacy organization, having celebrated dozens of pro-family victories in its history.

Except for the eleventy-billion blog posts that specifically talks about the evils of the “Left”. We guess they think that since they just lambast liberals, leftists and specific representatives, and not the “Democratic Party” that they are good to go with the non-partisan moniker? This is the most excellentest use of your touted critical thinking skills, Family Foundation!

Anywho, best of lucks with your fast. Given that you are not giving up eating, it will probably not be as full of fail as that one Utah guy's sad little 15 day hunger strike. We are not sure giving up Diet Coke or just having a rumbly tummy will help you persuade the Supreme Court of much of anything, but then again, we are not an "influential pro-family advocacy organization" so perhaps we don't understand advocacy.

[ Huff Po / Family Foundation ]