Tom Cotton Having Another One Of His Little Man Tough Guy Episodes, Bless His Heart

Pew pew pew.

Apr 16, 2024

Just about every time this here website deigns to mention Arkansas Republican Senator Tom Cotton, he’s having some kind of Little Man Syndrome episode. He’s just always gettin’ his dander up about somethin’ or another! Just angrily stirrin’ his sweet tea, his pencil neck fully erect so you know he’s serious! Shakin’ them tail feathers! “Well I never!” he screams as he angrily throws his body against the nearest fainting couch.

It’s kind of his thing.

“The United States may have to take matters into our own hands!” prissed Tom Cotton in 2019, about invading Mexico.

“No quarter for insurrectionists, anarchists, rioters, and looters,” he tweeted in 2020 about protests after George Floyd’s murder, casually suggesting war crimes against American citizens, just after publishing a REAL big man (big man!) op-ed in the New York Times demanding Donald Trump “send in the troops.”

Back when President Barack Obama was negotiating the Iran nuclear deal, Cotton took it upon himself to write his OWN letter to Iran, saying “Nuh uh!” He added, “Scoff scoff scoff!” and “PEW PEW!” and “You just wait until your father gets home, gonna get a whippin’!” He’s always invading Iran, in his sex fantasies.

Remember that time he started sending cease-and-desist letters to his own (elderly lady who could have been your Nana) constituents, who were doing threatening behavior to him by calling his office like he was some kind of senator or something?

Tom Cotton is a certain type of guy, is what we are saying. The kind that lies about being an Army Ranger.

Now watch him ridiculously peacocking around about what would have happened if the Gaza protesters who shut down the Golden Gate Bridge had TRIED THAT IN A SMALL TOWN, like perhaps in Russellville, Arkansas, where he is from.

“If something like this happened in Arkansas on a bridge there, let’s just say I think there would be a lot of very wet criminals that would have been tossed overboard, not by law enforcement, but by the people whose road they are blocking.”

PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW PEW! PEW PEW!

“If they glued their hands to a car or the pavement, well, probably pretty painful to have their skin ripped off. But I think that is the way we would handle it in Arkansas.”

“No more gentleman’s stuff, from now on you fights my way … dirty!”

“I would encourage most people, anywhere, that get stuck behind criminals like this who are trying to block traffic, to take matters into their own hands.”

“Say yer prayers ya long eared galoot!”

“There’s only usually a few of them and there’s a lot of people being inconvenienced. It is time to put an end to this nonsense.”

“Now, ya carrot-chewin’ coyote! Git a goin’!”

So obviously Tom Cotton is having another one of his episodes.

Hill reporter Niall Stanage caught both versions of the accompanying tweet Cotton sent out about HANDLIN’ IT RUSSELLVILLE-STYLE or whatever, the first one where he said “take matters in your own hands,” and the second version, where he added, “to get them out of the way,” as if that clarified things.

No matter how you feel about the cause of the Gaza protesters — which this post isn’t about! — we can all agree that Tom Cotton is ridiculous.

His little episode is continuing into today too. Because, well, there are some climate protesters in France blocking roads. “How it should be done,” Cotton tweeted, with a video of what it would look like if a MAGA hick spoke French and assaulted protesters in France.

He’s just a really big man, that Tom Cotton.

There’s no one as burly and brawny.

As you can see he’s got biceps to spare.

Not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny.

And every last bit of him’s covered with hair.