Tom DeLay Has Hot New Consulting Firm Starring Tom DeLay

what'd the devil give you for your soul, tommy?

So, have you been dying to know what Tom DeLay has been up to these days?

Hey, wait! Get back here.

Just pretend you've been thinking about The Hammer aka The Exterminator aka The Indicted then Appealed then Exonerated   aka The Dancing With The Stars failure   aka The Ted Cruz lover for every last minute since DeLay last wandered out of the public eye. Sure, he pops up every once in awhile to explain how Bamz gonna make it so dogs can rape children or to fap over how great it was when he and his other low-information fueled-by-rage-and-cheap-cigar friends took over Congress, but that doesn't pay the bills, amirite?

Turns out that post-politics life hasn't been so lucrative for old Tom. He hasn't seemed to land any wingnut welfare gigs, perhaps due to his signature combination of being a complete angerbear while simultaneously being dumb as a bag of weave (although that hasn't really stopped any other conservatives from getting a gig at Fox or Heritage). And if you wander over to his Wikipedia page and check out the "Life after Congress" section, you'll see that Tom has (1) started a blog; (2) written a book explaining, among other things, how the Clintons got military uniforms banned in the White House, a thing that is very not true; (3) went on Dancing With The Stars; (4) became a birther. Pffft. Awfully thin resume and, by the standards of your 2016 GOP, not even that crazy. Since Tom can't get in the ring anymore with the big boys, politically, he has to do what all people like Tom do: become a consultant .

Formed by former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, TD&A [Tom Delay & Associates, duh] is a rapidly growing, dynamic firm. Emphasizing finding working solutions to real problems at a realistic cost, TD&A accepts a limited number of clients on a quarterly basis to ensure each client receives the attention of a senior member of the company.

Using a blend of both permanent and temporary subject matter experts and alliances with other firms, TD&A accepts only the highest level of performance from itself, its partners and its clients. We view each of our clients as more than customers – we are partners. We know each of our clients, no matter the size, must keep an eye on profitability. For that reason, we solve problems quickly and effectively. Whether your needs are federal or state, business, investigative or political, we can help.

That is much many words, but we are here to help you translate, Note that no one but DeLay is mentioned. This is because no one but Tom DeLay works there. When Tom DeLay says he will use a "blend of both permanent and temporary subject matter experts and alliances with other firms," that means "surely there are some young, dumb, and full of cum CPAC types that will research shit for me for $10/hour and if there is anything that is really tough out there, I'll farm it out to an actual consulting firm." The careful reader will also note that DeLay never specifies what sort of problems his putative clients might face, because DeLay will take their money for literally any fucking reason whatsoever.

Don't believe us? If you head on over to the "Our Services" section of DeLay's embarrassingly generic website. Tom will help you talk to the government (lol), develop your business, do your social media outreach, and help you connect with healthcare providers. Can you imagine Tom DeLay in charge of your Twitter account? Tom DeLay calling Blue Cross and Blue Shield for you? The mind reels.

What is it going to take to get one of you Wonktonians to call up Tom DeLay and try to hire him for something that is on the bleeding edge of legality? Or, better still, to manage your Pinterest boards? Do it for us. Do it for The Hammer.

(h/t Crooks and Liars )

[ Tom DeLay & Associates ]