True Americans Suing All Foreign Anchor Babies So They Don't Steal The Presidency

Ted Cruz as a baby?

It's happening! After a solid week of Donald Trump suggesting, with all the subtlety of a hydraulic jackhammer, that it sure would be a shame if someone (anyone, please!) were to sue Canadian-born Ted Cruz, some crazy old coot in Texas got the message. Meet 85-year-old Newton Boris Schwartz, Sr., who is suing Cruz in federal court in Texas, on behalf of himself and:

... on behalf of all eligible qualified 50 states and nationally United States Registered, eligible and Qualified Voters for Voting in: (1) all 50 State Caucus and primaries in 2016; (2) the 2016 Texas Primary elections; and (3) General National 2016 Electoral Presidential and Vice president election on November 1, 2016.

Schwartz is representing himself, of course -- and the rest of us, thank you, kind sir. But he's not just an old concerned citizen; he is also a simple caveman lawyer. One who has forgotten the law enacted when Schwartz was but knee-high, in 1845, that says Election Day is the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November. (And lest you think maybe that's a one-off typo and leave poor old Schwartz alone, nope. He repeats that date many times throughout his fine legal document.)

You clever types don't need us to spell out for you that it is thus UNPOSSIBLE for Election Day to fall on the first day of November, but FYI, mark your calendars: Election Day this year is Nov. 8.

Is there more? Oh hell yee haw there is. There are many words (so many words!) insisting that if the Constitution is so clear about who is a "natural-born citizen" and thus eligible to be president, even if the person in question was born outside of the U.S., "why have the 'birthers' or 'doubters' and questioners of the place of birth of the 44th" been such inflamed ass-scabs all these years, HUH? Especially since it has been well-documented that Obama's mama, and his mama's mama, were born in the USA American citizens, and his grandpappy was a genuine war-fighting soldier under General Patton, and also :

He was not born in Kenya (Africa). Even if that were, that did not prevent his being a natural born citizen so why did Senator Cruz speak out?

There is so much more. The 28-page filing is a delightful mixture of total nonsense gobbledygook and references to various federal laws and cases, with the occasional utterly off-topic argument tossed in, for extra fun:

Cruz has the absolute First Amendment right to bring this transaction himself so he can do so here to the “Evangelicals” defined as the believers of the New and Old Testaments. Plaintiff being Jewish is familar [sic] to the latter and is no scholar or spokesperson on the New Testament. The opening sentence of the Old Testament “Genesis [sic] reads:  “...In the beginning, God began to create the heaven and the earth...”. Thereafter coalesce President Jefferson and many of our founding fathers and signers of the U.S. Constitution were “deists”, two centuries before the Big Bang theory, Enstein’s [sic] theories and carbon dating that contrary to contemporary creationists determined that our earth is 4.54 billion years old.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WHAT DOES THE BIG BANG THEORY AND CARBON DATING HAVE TO DO WITH WHETHER TED CRUZ IS ELIGIBLE TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT? WE HAVE NO IDEA!!! WHY ARE WE YELLING? BECAUSE OMG!

OK, we'll stop.

The whole thing is a super-fun acid trip that, we imagine, will not make it very far in the court system. Dear sweet old bat Schwartz wants a declaratory judgment from the courts as to Cruz's eligibility -- just as Trump has been suggesting! And no, Schwartz is not a Trump fan; apparently, he's leaning toward Bernie Sanders.

But wait. There is even more . Yes, more! Because Cruz isn't the only Republican candidate feeling the fury of the birthers. Cuban birthright citizenship beneficiary Marco Rubio is getting some heat too:

This week Rubio sought to have a court complaint in Florida against him thrown out, saying the argument “would jeopardize centuries of precedent and deem at least six former presidents ineligible for office.” (Last week he told reporters of Cruz, "I don't think that's an issue.")

Rubio was born in Miami in 1971. But Rubio's Cuban immigrant parents did not become U.S. citizens until 1975. 

That’s convinced so-called birthers to conclude Rubio is ineligible under Article 2 of the Constitution, which says "no person except a natural born citizen … shall be eligible to the Office of President."

You know, we'd almost feel sorry for these two guys if they hadn't landed themselves in the Senate thanks to the support of the teabaggers who've been foaming at the mouth about properly vetting presidential candidates and demanding to see long-form birth certificates and questioning whether the founders really intended to ever let a guy who isn't as white as Mitt Romney set foot anywhere near the front door of the White House.

But these racist, xenophobic, subliterate stupid fucks put Cruz and Rubio in office in the first place, and neither ever complained about it before, so as real American-born American (and Texan!) Molly Ivins said, you gotta dance with them what brung you. Even if them has decided you ain't quite American enough to be them's president.

[ Complaint via TPM / Tampa Bay Times ]