Trump Deflates Own War Boner, Goes Full TACO On Bombing Iranian Power Plants

Check back tomorrow. The way this thing keeps swinging, we might nuke Tehran by then.

Since it’s Monday, let’s have a WAR BONER update, why not.

It has been quite a few days for war boners. Donald Trump threatened to bomb the ever-loving shit out of Iranian power plants, thereby knocking out the power for a nation of 90 million people. Maybe that will cause the people of Iran to rise up and overthrow the regime, something the US and Israel were apparently convinced would happen within two weeks of the war’s start. We are now in Week 4 and there is no sign of an uprising anytime soon. Or ever.

It should be noted that deliberately targeting civilian infrastructure like power plants is a war crime, not that America concerns itself with such niceties, especially not with President Buck Turgidson in the White House.

How is this different from what Russia is doing to destroy Ukraine’s power grid? It just is, shut up:

Trump had put out a Truth on Friday saying that the war with Iran is about over, the US has achieved its objectives, and other nations will have to take care of keeping the Strait of Hormuz open so that sweet, sweet oil can keep flowing through it. He posted the Truth after the markets had closed on Friday following a week of them steadily dropping like Trump’s old man balls succumbing to gravity. The timing ensured that after-hours and foreign market trading would stabilize over the weekend, and the business world would not open Monday with more panic.

Then Trump put out his big “WE WILL BOMB YOUR POWER PLANTS” tweet on Saturday evening. The overseas markets went batshit, whereupon he probably got a gazillion panicked calls from CEOs and advisers telling him the week would kick off with more steep losses. So first thing Monday morning he did his usual TACO two-step, informing us that peace is almost at hand:

Naturally, the markets are now recovering and there are indications that someone is profiting handsomely.

Trump also claimed on Monday that Iran has agreed to “like 15 points.” He tossed this off the same way a dipshit high school student will make up the number of girls he’s finger-banged in the backseat of his mom’s CR-V so his boys will think he’s cool, he has too finger-banged lots of chicks, shut up, you guys:

Cue all his handlers now scrambling to find 15 specific points to present to the Iranians that they need to agree to, so Trump won’t look like he wasn’t randomly pulling numbers from the depths of that pile of mold and corroded drywall he’s using for a brain.

Trump also suggested that maybe he’ll be in charge of the Strait of Hormuz at some point. Our guess is he saw reports that Iran is now charging nations $2 million per ship to transit the Strait and decided, like he always does, that he should get that money.

Speaking of the Strait of Hormuz, apparently reopening it has become the major goal of this war now that ending the Iranian regime and its ability to build nuclear weapons is apparently out of reach:

[B]reaking Iran’s stranglehold on the strait could enable Trump to wind down the war while claiming victory, halt an expanding global energy crisis and deprive Iran of a potent deterrent against future strikes.

If you are keeping track, what this means is that America’s goal, now that it has expended billions of dollars, killed untold numbers of people including hundreds of schoolgirls in their classrooms, and caused an oil shock that could still send the world’s economy spiraling into a ravine, is to restore the status quo from before the bombing started and call it a victory. This is par for the course for Trump, whose pattern has long been to break things and then spin putting them back together exactly the same as they were before as some sort of Herculean feat of his own genius and will.

Hey, you know what else would have accomplished this goal of continuing the free flow of oil through the Strait of Hormuz? NOT STARTING THE FUCKING WAR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Would you be surprised to learn that Iran’s Foreign Ministry called bullshit on Monday’s reversal and said no talks have been taking place? Would you be further surprised to find yourself much more inclined to believe the freaking Iranian government than our own? You wouldn’t? Congrats on not having been in a coma for the last decade.

Since we’re talking about war boners, we would be remiss if we didn’t mention Lindsey Graham’s appearance on Fox News on Sunday. Host Shannon Bream asked him a couple of (surprisingly sensible!) questions about whether or not US ground troops are going to invade Kharg Island, the little islet off Iran’s coast through which something like 90 percent of the nation’s oil exports flow. The administration has been floating this idea for days, even though it would break the promise that this war will not necessitate American boots on the ground.

Graham thinks taking the island will be a piece of cake. As he told Bream, “We did Iwo Jima. We can do this.”

Sigh. It took the United States military five weeks to take Iwo Jima, during which 7,000 Americans were killed. What an inspiring war cry this will be for those battle groups of Marines headed in that direction: Men, quit complaining, at least it isn’t Iwo Jima.

Look at how excited Graham is to have other people get shot at. We keep imagining him spending his afternoon in his Senate office moving a lot of little green army men around on his desk while shouting, “Boom! Pew pew pew! Whomp! Get ‘em, boys! Let’s take that oil depot!”

[WaPo / YouTube / NPR]

Wonkette survives oil shocks thanks to the generous support of our readers.