Trump Drew Dicks On Classified Flash Cards He Stole, Because Of Course

OK, OK, it was 'to-do lists.' Whatever that means.

Whenever you think you’ve learned all the appalling things there are to know about Donald Trump and his various criminal schemes and enterprises, his betrayals of and utter lack of regard for the United States, another shoe drops. But sometimes the shoes are just so damn stupid.

Who wrote random to-do lists on the backs of classified documents? Donald Trump did. We imagine he did it in that mangled demented moron Sharpie script of his, the one that looks like it comes from one of history’s greatest madmen who was at the same time never taught to read and write.

All of this is very shocking, because remember the way Trump drew dicks on hurricane maps when he was president? Yes, all of this is very shocking.

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Who Knew Trump's Mental Breakdown Would Involve Drawing Dicks On Hurricane Maps?

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ABC News reports that Trump essentially used American classified documents he stole as scratch paper, no more important than a take-out menu or a picture of a dinosaur Eric made with the crayons the Secret Service gave him. This is according to the testimony of longtime Trump aide Molly Michael, who told the feds all about it.

He “repeatedly” did this, according to Michael.

As described to ABC News, [Michael] told investigators that — more than once —she received requests or taskings from Trump that were written on the back of notecards, and she later recognized those notecards as sensitive White House materials — with visible classification markings — used to brief Trump while he was still in office about phone calls with foreign leaders or other international-related matters.

We guess because they had to brief him with notecards with very small words he would understand. (Remember how difficult it was for the intel community to brief Trump, because he’s so stupid and easily distracted?) And once the notecard had been shown to him — dunno if they had hand motions or sound effects to accompany whatever was on the cards — then it wasn’t important to him anymore, and he could just write down his “HEREBY ORDERS” on it and hand it off to an aide so they could do things for him.

What a serious president he was.

The notecards with classification markings were at Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate when FBI agents searched the property on Aug. 8, 2022 — but the materials were not taken by the FBI, according to sources familiar with what Michael told investigators.

Uh oh! There were still classified docs left behind, even after the raid?

When Michael, who was not present for the search, returned to Mar-a-Lago the next day to clean up her office space, she found the documents underneath a drawer organizer and helped transfer them to the FBI that same day, sources told ABC News.

Would have hated for the FBI to have to do a whole new raid to collect even more classified docs Trump stole. (Between you and us, we are still not convinced Trump hasn’t squirreled away more stolen documents. It is just a hunch we have from observing that un-American shitbag for years now.)

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Here is our favorite part of the ABC News article:

Sources said that after Trump heard the FBI wanted to interview Michael last year, Trump allegedly told her, "You don't know anything about the boxes."

It's unclear exactly what he meant by that.

Is it, though?

Is that quote shrouded in mystery? Especially considering everything else we’re learning about the lengths Trump went to, enlisting co-conspirators to delete servers containing surveillance footage of the boxes being moved and whatnot.

“You don’t know anything about the boxes,” he said to Molly Michael, mysteriously, with an air of mystery.

Pfffffft, grow up, ABC News.

A Trump spokesperson said that what ABC News was told — through what the spokesperson called “illegal leaks” — lacks “proper context and relevant information,” and that “President Trump did nothing wrong, has always insisted on truth and transparency, and acted in a proper manner, according to the law.”

LMAO, please tell us the proper context and relevant information for “made to-do lists on classified documents and gave them to aide.” You know, after everybody stops pissing themselves laughing about “has always insisted on truth and transparency, and acted in a proper manner, according to the law.”

We cannot imagine the utter lack of self respect required to be a Trump spokesperson.

The ABC News report has more about how Trump tried to make Michael — who is reportedly “Trump Employee 2” in the indictment — complicit in his lies in the summer of 2022 that the original 15 boxes he turned over were all the boxes that existed, there were no more boxes, no more boxes, no more boxes, you are the boxes.

That's when Michael became concerned, knowing that scores more boxes were in the storage room, sources said.

Scores.

And as Trump continued to claim that there were no more boxes, Michael even pointed out to him that many people, including maintenance workers, knew otherwise because they had all seen that there were many more than 15 boxes, sources said she told investigators.

Everybody knows there’s boxes fucking everywhere, dude.

And apparently stacks of classified notecards with dicks and grocery lists scrawled all over them, drawn with a great big illiterate moron Sharpie.

Or whatever Trump felt the need to draw on classified documents.

Sounds about right.

[ABC News]

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Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

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