Super Idiot Trump Lawyer John Eastman Gonna Get Disbarred For Sucking

His disbarment trial goes poorly, and we're only three days in.

While much of America has been occupied this week with the Titanic -exploring submersible Joe Biden sank WITH HIS MIND , super-idiot lawyer John Eastman has been in a courtroom in California trying to explain why plotting to overthrow the elected government of the United States on January 6 should not result in him losing his law license.

Eastman is facing 11 disciplinary charges, and we’re going to try and sum up his week of his morality, his reputation, his worldview, and his general air of galactic dipshittery getting hammered by bar attorneys while Eastman’s lawyer Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, tried to put a bold new lip on this particular pig.

Personally, yr Wonkette thinks that Eastman should be thanking Satan’s ball sack that he’s only facing disbarment and not some really deserving punishment, like a tumbrel ride or being hung by his toenails over a pit full of horny muskrats. After all, the foot soldiers who stormed the Capitol on January 6 have been sentenced to prison, or are awaiting trial while enduring the indignity of recording their Grand Ole Opry audition tapes. The people who wound them up and pointed them in the direction of Congress shouldn’t get off without being flayed hard enough to peel the skin from their bones. Metaphorically, of course.

Where were we? Oh right, the trial.

TUESDAY: Eastman’s lawyer tried to call a man namedJoseph Fried as an expert witness. Fried is a Certified Public Accountant who wrote an ebook alleging that as a financial professional, he knows an audit when he sees one, and the audits where county election boards kept finding that Eastman and Donald Trump’s charges of vote fraud didn’t amount to a fart in a NASA wind tunnel were all a bunch of hooey.

What are Fried’s qualifications? According to Eastman lawyer Harvey Birdman, Fried’s 40-year career as a CPA means his expert knowledge of statistics makes him an expert in elections for some reason. Well shoot, in that case why not call our high school statistics teacher as an expert witness? Why not call our sainted father, who has also been a CPA for 40 years? Why not call Ben Affleck, he played an accountant in that movie The Accountant. 

Also, Fried never actually identified a specific instance of fraud, just made a lot of assertions that, well, he knows numbers and these vote totals must be hinky for some reason. The judge ruled he could not testify.

Then Harvey Birdman tried to call someone named Jay Valentine, who appears to do some sort of work with data fraud and claimed he had run some sort of analysis proving widespread fraud in the 2020 election. The attorney for the state bar told the judge that Valentine has refused to turn over the database he used that he claims proves he is correct. The judge then decided Valentine couldn’t testify.

To sum up, Eastman tried to call a couple of charlatans to support his case, and the judge told the charlatans to take a long walk off a short pier and hug an octopus.

And that was just the first morning. The afternoon saw Eastman getting wrecked on the stand by the bar attorney. There was a lot of “I don’t know” and “I don’t recall” from Eastman. Then there was this:  

— (@)  

Eastman was so convinced of his case that he suggested everyone read an article in Time that appears to contradict him. Genius.

This trial was expected to last eight days but now might go a full two weeks. Worst. Hanukkah. Miracle. Ever.

WEDNESDAY: Testimony from Greg Jacob, counsel for Mike Pence, who infamously emailed Eastman in the middle of the Capitol being sacked to tell him “Thanks to your bullshit we’re now under siege.” Jacobpatiently explains to Harvey Birdman that while Pence had some concerns about the changes in voting procedures made by Democratic state officials in 2020 (much of which was pandemic-related), there is a huge difference between that and deliberate voter fraud. Jacob (and Pence) did not see anywhere near enough of the latter to make a difference in the election outcome.

Also John Yoo is going to testify for Eastman at some point, we think? Presumably to say that Donald Trump would have been well within his rights to let John Eastman crush the testicles of every election administrator in Arizona until they admitted to voter fraud.

THURSDAY: Harvey Birdman tried to block the testimony of various election administrators about any audits that took place after January of 2021 on the grounds that it “post-dates the conduct at issue in the case.” This would of course eliminate any examination of, among others, the infamous Cyber Ninjas audits in Arizona that turned upbupkis after months and months of work.

It would also conveniently ignore the fact that Eastman himself didn’t stop spreading stolen election bullshit at midnight on January 7. All he did was change his tune to say all his theories had been, well, theoretical, and therefore well within the scope of giving the best advice he could to his client, the president. He’s not responsible if all the people he wound up were still listening to him, is he?

The judge managed to not laugh in Birdman’s face while turning him down.

We’ll try for more updates next week, assuming we haven’t hammered gold bricks into our ears so we don’t have to listen to anymore of Eastman’s prevaricating.

[ WAPO / DAILY BEAST / POLITICO ]

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .