President BabySh*ts Can't Wait To Fire ERRBODY On Wednesday, Maybe Murder Russia Investigation Too!

He's been waiting for this moment all year!

It's a big week for Donald Trump! That's right, the midterm elections are happening, and those are either going to go well for Trump (if Russians and voter suppression and gerrymandering win the night) or they will go well for Democrats (if America wins the night). But regardless, after the midterms are over, Trump gets to do YOU'RE FIRED to everybody that ever hurt his fragile feelings! Hooray!

We've known for a while that some shake-ups were probably coming -- for instance, Jeff Sessions, he is getting fired so Trump can try to get somebody to murder the Russia investigation for him. But the Washington Post   has new reporting about who else is likely to get shitcanned -- that is, if Trump grows a pair and learns to shitcan people all by himself. Otherwise we'll be seeing reporting about how nobody got fired because Trump couldn't get anybody to do his dirty work for him.

Let's run through a quick tally of who WaPo says might get the axe:

• Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who "may leave amid a mutual recognition" that she hates Trump's ass and Trump hates her ass and yells at her all the time and calls her names in front of the whole class.

• Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who oversees the Russia investigation FOR NOW because Jeff Sessions is recused. But they kissed and made up after that whole kerfuffle over whether Rosenstein made jokes about doing "wire tapps" or "the 25th Amendment" to Trump when he thought nobody was listening.

• Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, because he is too sane, and quietly throws Trump's orders in the trashcan to prevent us from accidentally starting World War Three. Why aren't we bombing everything with a Space Force where transgender folk aren't allowed? Because Mattis. There's also that little thing about how Mattis has reportedly called Trump a giant fucking moron a couple few times. WaPo says Trump is too weak and sad to fire Mattis, though, and that Mattis probably won't resign either, so we guess maybe he gets to stay a while.

• Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, because Boss Man ultimately does not like it when his underlings' grifty criminality interferes with his own grifty criminality.

• Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, because maybe he has been dead this whole time anyway, not sure.

• Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who we guess is ready to get paid the big bucks for being the lying-est lyin' motherfuckin' liar ever to very occasionally brief the White House press corps.

• Some assholes you never heard of, they are gonna quit-fire themselves.

• Melania, citing "irreconcilable differences," JUST KIDDING LOL #JOKES.

That list is missing a name, and it is WHITHER JOHN KELLY? Oh yeah, Kelly has "promised" to stay until 2020,so maybe he won't get firedthis week. (WaPo says, though, that if Kelly goes, Nielsen will probably go too.)

Of course, pretty much everybody in the Trump administration is an incompetent wretch (except ANONYMOUS, who is a very smart and talented boy or girl, you betcha), so it's not like we're sad if these people get fired. It's more that this White House can't attract good talent, so WaPo says people in the White House are scared these positions are just going to sit there unfilled, because not even illegal immigrants will be willing to take these particular jobs that Americans aren't willing to do. Additionally, when Trump fires people, it's usually because they are not committed to the Sparkle Motion of letting Trump be the god emperor he's always dreamed of being, so the replacements are, at all times, gross and sycophantic and worse than the people who came before.

Oh yeah, and there's that whole thing about how cleaning out the Justice Department is basically a slow-motion Saturday Night Massacre, but we're sure everything will be fine. We trust that Robert Mueller has set in motion everything he needs to set in motion so that prosecutions will proceed and everybody will go to jail, even if Trump decides to fire Jeff Sessions the second all the polls in America have closed tomorrow night.

We swear to God, all you Wonkers are really good voters, but we really need you to find five people apiece who aren't and make sure they vote like their lives depend on it, because honestly, they do, because if Trump goes on a firing spree, things are going to get WORSE before they get better. We really need a Congress in place that's actually willing to do its fucking job.

[ Washington Post ]

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