Trump Fluffer Todd Blanche So Mad We Can See Him Fluffing

It would be so bad if everybody started calling him Fluff The Magic Dragon.

Todd Blanche is Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer.

As Donald Trump’s current (acting) attorney general, he is also Trump’s current personal lawyer and fluffer and handmaiden and slutty Chippendales dancer and court jester and whatever other kind of servant Trump needs at the moment. Chewing up Big Mac for Trump and spooning it into his mouth? If Todd hasn’t done it yet, he will. Has he wiped the president after a rough golden toilet Executive Time? Only he knows.

But he is APPALLED! APPALLED! APPALLED! that virtually no one respects him as a serious man or a serious attorney general who takes his job seriously, and that nobody thinks he’s anything more than Trump’s personal hole-tonguer.

He had a real tantrum about it yesterday in the Senate when Maryland Democratic Senator Chris Van Hollen referred to him as what he is.

They were obviously talking about the White Grievance Reparations Fund (credit: Elie Mystal) that’s been established by the Trump regime and his criminal Justice Department in order to pay off all Trump’s favorite rapists, grifters, conmen, and terrorists who have been victimized by those who want to hold them accountable for their actions.

VH: You’re not going to submit this proposal to any federal judge, or any independent …

FLUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON: There is no judge!

VH: Any independent authority?

FLUFF: What does that mean, an independent authority?

VH: It means not somebody who’s getting to pick five of the members, who is the president’s former PERSONAL ATTORNEY, that would be somebody who would be independent.

FLUFF: I’m the acting attorney attorney general, OK!

Uh oh, this is where he starts getting his dander up! You wouldn’t like Fluff the Magic Dragon when he’s got his dander up!

FLUFF: The fact that I used to be President Trump’s lawyer is just a fact! But I am the acting attorney general! So don’t say the president’s FORMER PERSONAL LAWYER will do something! The acting attorney general will do something!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a little bitch.

You have to watch the way Todd’s lips purse up and grimace and he starts spitting when he says, “Don’t say the president’s FORMER PERSONAL LAWYER will do something.”

You can see why Trump values those lips so much.

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A lot of Blanche’s time in the Senate was like that yesterday, at least with the Democrats. Earlier in the day, Senate Republicans had blocked an amendment from Sen. Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut to prevent Trump’s slush fund payouts from going to convicted pedophiles and kid touchers. You know, because of how many J6ers are those things! But we guess if you establish a slush fund for Donald Trump’s best pals and sycophants and then you say “No child rapists allowed,” then it’s not much of a slush fund for Donald Trump’s best pals and sycophants, now is it, libs?

Van Hollen had some questions about a specific one of those J6 child rapists, who had earlier bragged that he was going to get paid out of a slush fund remarkably like this one. Could Todd Blanche commit to making sure that particular child rapist wouldn’t get a payday from the Trump Child Rape Regime? He could not.

VH: Okay. Let me go back to this slush fund, because there's also an individual who, after being pardoned by the president, went on to molest two children, and that person actually tried to buy the silence of these children by saying that he would pay them some of the funds that he was hoping to get from your slush fund. Can you commit to making the rules so that person is not eligible for a payout under this fund?

FLUFF: Well, you're obviously lying in your question because there's no way that this person committed to that. But the slush fund, as you call it, which is not, didn't exist.

You’re obviously LYING, Fluff whined.

As if it matters that this specific slush fund did not exist yet, when all Trump’s sycophants, grifters, con artists, and child rapists have been eagerly anticipating for months that something like this was going to happen and they were going to get rich off it. QAnon dipshit Ed Martin was bragging about it to Norm Coleman months ago.

VH: I'm sure --

FLUFF: But I can commit --

VH: Mr. Attorney General, don't ever do that again. I am reporting --

FLUFF: Do what again?

VH: -- what he said. He said on the expectation that he hoped to get some of the funds from a payout. He's been very involved --

FLUFF: Now, you said from the slush fund, Senator, and that didn't exist when he said that.

VH: This is the fund that the president and all of you have been telegraphing all along that you're going to use to help the president's friends.

Fluff demanded to know when he had made that telegraph, as if we are all stupid. Chris Van Hollen asked him if he was aware that it’s a crime to lie to Congress, something he may have done more than once yesterday.

Van Hollen continued to bring receipts on all the times Trump and people around him have signaled that Trump’s favorite child rapists, conmen, and grifters were going to get payouts:

VH: I want to submit for the record a January 2026 Washington Post story — long story — entitled “For Many January 6 Rioters a Pardon from Trump Wasn’t Enough.” It goes on to quote the President of the United States, when asked about this, these payments, and said, “A lot of people in government now talk about it. Because a lot of people in government really like that group of people,” unquote, referring to the January 6 rioters. Are you not aware of that statement from the President?

FLUFF: I have never read the Washington Post. […]

VH: Mr. Attorney General, you are in a bubble.

FLUFF: Because I don’t read the Washington Post?

And here’s Marcy Wheeler explaining how Todd Blanche lied to Congress again right there, like, throughout that entire fuckin’ clip.

The rest of the clip features Blanche pretending he didn’t say things he said earlier in the hearing, Van Hollen reading him the transcript, and Van Hollen forcing Blanche to listen to the details of this J6er’s sex crimes against children, how excited that guy was to get payments out of a future slush fund, and how he promised his child victims some of that money to keep them quiet.

Here’s some more with Van Hollen! Can Todd Blanche promise that people who assaulted police officers on January 6 wouldn’t get payouts? Well of course not. Because if you assault cops to help Dear Leader overthrow the United States government, then that is the good kind of cop-assaulting, and you deserve a payout, we reckon. (To wit: A couple of those cops who were assaulted have just filed a lawsuit to block the whole damn slush fund.)

VH: Will they be — just let me know if they're eligible for the fund.

FLUFF: As was made plain yesterday, anybody in this country is eligible to apply if they believe they're a victim of --

VH: Mr. Attorney General, let me ask you this, are there going to be rules that say that if you've assaulted a Capitol Hill police officer or committed a violent crime, you will not be eligible? Why not make that a rule?

FLUFF: I expect that the — well, because I'm not one of the commissioners setting up the rules, I expect --

VH: But you're appointing four of the five members, aren't you, Mr. Attorney General?

FLUFF: Pardon me?

VH: You're appointing four of the five members.

FLUFF: I am appointing all five members.

VH: You can certainly set up the rules. I would hope you would make a rule that anyone convicted of assaulting a police officer of violent crime is simply not eligible. They should not apply.

FLUFF: Well --

Welllllllllll.

We focused on Van Hollen’s questioning here, but there was so much more, as we alluded to above. For example, Chris Coons (Delaware) asked Blanche if there had ever been a president who demanded $10 billion from his own government in a lawsuit and then “settled” it by demanding a slush fund. Blanche said Trump was also the first president to be “indicted one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight times.” (They think this is a gotcha when they say it, and not a confession that they worshipfully suck the cock of a serial criminal thug fascist.)

Coons asked if Blanche would guarantee no money would go to Trump’s campaign donors. No. “They are not excluded from seeking compensation if they were weaponized.”

Coons said many in law enforcement are appalled that terrorists like Oath Keepers and Proud Boys and others who assaulted police on January 6 would get payouts, and echoed Van Hollen’s question: “Will you commit that no one who has been convicted of assaulting a police officer will receive a payout from this fund?”

Fluff responded by continuing to pretend this slush fund was a big surprise nobody had ever heard of until this week, because he’s a dishonest little bitch.

But he insisted that this wasn’t his decision, it was the decision of the commissioners (that he’s appointing) and that “anybody in this country can apply,” even an Oath Keeper!

But hey, for the sake of fairness, we should note that one commitment Blanche did make in the hearing is that he promised Van Hollen he would not personally recommend that his puppy playdate pal Ghislaine Maxwell get a pardon from Donald Trump.

So if Trump happens to get the idea all on his own, remember to act surprised, just like you are very surprised — just as surprised as Todd Blanche! — to find out about this slush fund for terrorists that everybody’s been babbling about ever since Trump started pardoning terrorists and child rapists.

It will be 100 years, if ever, before the United States has a Justice Department that anyone can take seriously.

[CNN]

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