Trump Jr. Fires Secret Service. Not Suspicious. Not Suspicious At All

Maybe he just knows protection rackets better than the Secret Service, so to speak.

Finally, the overworked Secret Service catches a break! After running out of money to protect the large and frequently-traveling Trump family, the Secret Service had been pawning agents' snazzy watches and Ray-Bans for operating funds. But now Donald Trump Jr. will be forgoing Secret Service protection, according to "a senior administration official" who leaked the story to the New York Times. And we're completely convinced by the reason given for the decision:

The agency ceased protecting Mr. Trump, who lives in New York City and is an executive at the Trump Organization, last week. Mr. Trump, an avid camper and hunter, was said to be seeking more privacy than he can expect with a contingent of agents accompanying him everywhere.

That makes all sorts of sense, and doesn't at all sound like the most obviously fake excuse for not wanting any government-employed witnesses following him around, no it doesn't. Speculation on the Twitter machine is about evenly divided between "Obviously he doesn't want them seeing him meeting with Russians" and "He's getting ready to flee the country," with a small percentage of folks suggesting he's being maneuvered into a false-flag assassination attempt that will fail and lead to a declaration of martial law by the Trump administration, but really, that was what Obama was going to do, and a Trump would never use an Obama plan.

It's unclear whether Don Jr. has also asked for the protection services to end for his family, which would strike us as kind of a dick move, Fredo.

We also learn that Secret Service protection will be withdrawn from Kellyanne Conway, but that "the two cases are unrelated," so you just get your minds out of the gutter, you. Totally different things, too, since by law, presidential family members get Secret Service protection unless they specifically ask to have that protection withdrawn, while in Conway's case,

The president approved her protection after Ms. Conway received several threats in the administration’s early days. That threat assessment has since changed, the official briefed on the decision said.

They are definitely not banging, OK? There are no alternative fucks here. Besides, if she had any say in the matter, Conway would surely insist she needs a security detail, because she's still big; it was the interviewers who got smaller.

Needless to say, Secret Service spokesperson Catherine Milhoan wouldn't comment on any of this, citing the need for keeping who they service secret:

“To ensure the safety and security of our protectees and their families, we will not confirm who is currently receiving Secret Service protection,” Ms. Milhoan said.

The AV Club adds this important observation:

Also, it’s unclear if Jr. is replacing his Secret Service detail with some Trump-backed goons he knows he can trust, but we’ll definitely know that’s the case if he’s surrounded by solid gold Stormtroopers at his next public event.

Oh, that's not it, former Onion adjunct, that is not it at all: Our money is on Don Jr. being protected by a team led by longtime scary bald Trumpgoon Keith Schiller, who left his nebulously defined White House job earlier this month because chief of staff John Kelly was being mean to him and he felt neglected. Now he can be a dogsbodyguard for another, albeit lesser, Trump, and his life will have meaning again.

Still, the AV Club was right about the Star Wars theme; Yr Wonkette has gotten an advance preview of what Don Jr. wants Schiller to wear on the job:

Mr. Schiller is reportedly fine with being called "Lobot." Happy travels, Don Jr.!

[ NYT / AV Club ]

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