Trump-Pootin Ties Exposed In Court

They are particularly aligned on biological warfare.

We pride ourselves on our deep knowledge of important political and cultural issues at Wonkette. It is after all the in-depth analysis our readers come here for.

Which is why we are so proud to present an investigation answering the question of whether Donald Trump has been copiously and loudly farting as he naps through his criminal trial in New York.

Oh, you thought when Evan said on Friday that Trump had stood in front of reporters after court “to show us he’s still got gas in the tank for some good old bitching,” you didn’t realize he meant it literally.

Ben Meiselas of MeidasTouch reported Friday on what he’s hearing from his sources, who presumably include the people who monitor the Richter scale at the United States Geological Survey. The relevant part starts at around the eight-minute mark:

“What I’m hearing is that, and take it for what it’s worth, that Donald Trump is actually farting in the courtroom and that it’s very stinky around him. It’s putrid odor in the courtroom and that Trump’s lawyers are like repulsed by the scent and the smell.”

Reportedly the presidential tooting happens when Trump dozes off at the defense table, which he did with some frequency this past week. This news makes it more distressing that this trial is being neither televised nor audio-streamed. It is outrageous that the New York courts are stepping on the public’s First Amendment right to know if the candidate of one of our two major political parties is farting loudly enough to be heard in the gallery seats behind him.

Imagine if he kept napping and farting during a high-level diplomatic meeting with another country’s leader? We’d have an international incident on our hands.

This is actually not the first time we have heard reports that Donald Trump smells like an old corpse decaying in the woods. A few months ago, former congressman Adam Kinzinger posted on Twitter about his surprise that more people don’t talk about Trump’s musk. He also said:

The easiest way to explain it … take armpits, ketchup, a butt and makeup and put that … in a blender and bottle that as a cologne.

Thank you, Adam Kinzinger, for your contribution to the historical record.

There is a better-than-even chance that by the time you read this post, Trump will have stood before the cameras and denied the disgusting, horrible rumors spread by disgusting, nasty people that he has been pooting enough in the courtroom that the judge is now keeping a canary on his desk as an early-warning system. He will tell the reporters that none of them are hearing what they claim to be hearing, which to be clear is a lot of loud farting emanating from his giant orange ass, thus giving new meaning to the word “gaslighting.”

Poor Trump, always the victim who gets the shart end of the stick.

Old Man Says He's Cold, Has Some Newspaper Clippings To Show You

Emitting a toxic cloud of gas while repeatedly dozing off at the defense table is not the only way in which Trump shot himself in the dick this week. The judge warned him about loudly muttering when potential jurors were being questioned, on the theory they might find it intimidating. He has also reportedly been refusing to join the judge, the prosecutors, and his own lawyers in rising every time potential jurors were brought into the courtroom, as is something of a custom.

Then there is his flouting of Judge Juan Merchan’s gag order to not post about potential trial witnesses on social media, resulting in this:

At the end of the day, Trump’s attorney Todd Blanche asked the district attorney’s office to share the first three witnesses they plan to call, noting that opening arguments and the first witness testimony could begin as soon as Monday.

The district attorney’s office refused. Assistant District Attorney Josh Steinglass acknowledged that courtesy is often extended. But because Trump has been posting on social media about their witnesses, he said with a shrug, “We’re not telling him who the witnesses are.”

It is common practice for opposing lawyers to tell each other when they will be calling particular witnesses so that counsel can prepare for cross-examinations. But it is not a requirement. The prosecution can tell the defense to fuck off on this one, and the judge can only shrug and say, as Merchan did, that he can’t blame the prosecutors for doing it.

Now, while Trump’s lawyers have a list of potential witnesses they can reasonably assume might take the stand, they do not know which ones will be called on what day, meaning they have to go into court every morning prepared to cross every person on a list with who knows how names on it. That is a lot of extra work, and it pretty much ensures that his lawyers won’t be nearly as thorough as they might need to be.

So here is what Donald Trump accomplished this week: made his lawyers’ jobs much harder and introduced an airborne toxic event into the courtroom that apparently nearly required a response from a hazmat team. But at least he got some sleep.

[YouTube / CNN]

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