The good news is that our big boy president did not fill his adult diaper with diarrhea this weekend (that we know of). Yay, him! The White House staff is most appreciative, probably.
The bad news is that it’s because he filled up a fighter jet with diarrhea instead and then dumped it all over a crowd of No Kings protesters. Because he’s just that charming and classy and loves everyone in America so very much.
If you haven’t seen it yet, the president on Saturday night posted an AI slop video someone made of him in a fighter jet named King Trump, wearing a crown, and flying over a giant protest crowd and bombing it with enough shit to drown a herd of elephants, all to the tune of Kenny Loggins’s “Danger Zone.” (Cue the predictable condemnation and demand to remove it from Loggins.)
What, they couldn’t find a clip of some little kids hollering the old “some people think it’s gross but it’s really good on toast” nursery rhyme we used to snicker over at day camp when we were nine?
Trump posted the video the day that seven million people showed up for the No Kings protests, likely the largest turnout for a day of protest in American history. It’s hard to think of a better metaphor for how Diarrhea Don feels about half the country he allegedly leads than a video of him literally shitting all over his opponents:
Literal shitposting! It’s all about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the nuts.
But, just in case you still aren’t sure of Trump’s intended message, he attacked the protests some more on Sunday night as he was flying back to Washington after yet another weekend of waddling around his Florida golf course trying to not be mistaken for an ambulatory manatee (starting around the 9:22 mark):
“It’s a joke. I looked at the people. They are not representative of this country. And I looked at all the brand new signs I guess paid for by Soros and other radical left lunatics. We’re checking it out. The demonstrations were very small. And the people were whacked out.”
There is enough cope in that statement to power the sun for an extra five billion years. The protest we attended in Virginia Beach had about 3,000 people, which was more than expected, and who mostly looked like they had just come from shopping at the Kohl’s down the street. Nothing says left-wing radical like a nine-dollar Sonoma T-shirt.
Also, if Mr. Soros paid for all the signs we saw to be professionally made, he’s not getting his money’s worth.
Remarkably to us, no one in that little press gaggle appears to have asked Trump why he would post a video of himself dumping a planeload of diarrhea on Americans exercising their First Amendment rights to ask the government to address grievances. Maybe they figured the answer was too obvious even for them to bother.
We think it should be something everyone is asking every lawmaker they can find on Monday: Senator, the president posted a video of himself dropping loads of diarrhea from a fighter jet onto protesters. Oh, you haven’t seen it? I have it right here on my phone. Care to comment?
Someone did in fact ask House Speaker and pasty-faced ferret Mike Johnson about the video at a press conference Monday morning. Johnson, who just last week called the Portland naked bike ride “the most threatening thing I’ve ever seen” (because he apparently spends 20 hours a day in an isolation tank, we think he was trying to be sarcastic?), responded by calling Trump a great satirist:
“He is not calling for the murder of his political opponents.” First of all, does anyone think Trump wouldn’t love to see his political opponents shot down in the street? He would love to unleash the military on protesters. He has made that very clear time and time and time again.
Second of all, we don’t know what Mike Johnson knows about physics, which he probably thinks don’t exist because the Lord didn’t mention them in the Bible. But imagine taking the full brunt of a couple of thousand pounds of diarrhea dropped from several thousand feet in the air. It would cause more damage than simply a few huge laundry bills.
What interested us about the video from the Fecal Führer is the knots media outlets twisted themselves into so they could describe the video as anything other than what it clearly was. The conventions of journalism require reporters to use weasel phrases like “appeared to be an AI-generated video.” Just in case anyone thought maybe it was a Pixar cartoon that got animated in about four hours.
There were also efforts to not say for sure what AI Trump dumped on protesters. The New York Times, among others, called it “brown liquid resembling feces.” Which leaves so much room for interpretation. Did the Times think there was a chance it was chocolate milk? Perhaps it might have been mud, or sewage run-off, or a very viscous bourbon.
A writer for Illinois Playbook at Politico called it a “brown, poop-like liquid.” CNN referred to it as “sludge.” The New York Post called it “sewage,” though to be fair, it’s the New York Post and we are nowhere near finding the line where they stop openly cheerleading the presidential pooper.
Luckily here at Wonkette, we have no qualms about saying that the president of the United States was so not mad or threatened by the No Kings protests that he posted a fantasy of himself as a king dumping liquid shit on the protesters. He should have some dignity and stay away from making such puerile cracks. That’s our job.
[BlueSky]
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<The New York Times, among others, called it “brown liquid resembling feces.”>
Sorry, NYT. This doesn't pass the sniff test.
A guy who's so freaked out that his son might see boobs on the intertubes that he establishes a surveillance system to prevent that is perfectly okay with the President of the United States posting clips of himself dumping shit all over Americans.