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Major Is My Spirit Animal's avatar

I guess that Big Balls finally realized at about 2:50 AM that he wasn't going to convince Emily to relieve him of his virginity and he got his ass kicked because he thought that being a hero would finally get him over the line. Instead he got his ass handed to him by some adolescents which isn't going to result in a mercy fuck, so maybe he'll finally learn his lesson.

The Mad King can only "take over" the DCPD for 30 days, which in typical TACO fashion will mean having a bunch of people cosplaying as SEALs wander around the city for four weeks and then declaring VICTORY!

Of course if you really want to make crime go down then education, access to jobs, stable households and avenues for physical recreation will do the trick, but that means creating a more just and equitable society, and lord knows we can't do that.

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Kingeider's avatar

Trump thinks 14 is an adequate age for________.

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Steven McCrary's avatar

Is there a real conservative in the house? This occupying cities has got to be pretty expensive.

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motmelere's avatar

Okay, nobody deservers that, but he did ask for it.

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Brian Parrott's avatar

Nothing about this story adds up.

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boo radley's avatar

Love the implication that the minors involved aren’t citizens. Very smooth, subtle fascism there.

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

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larry gassan's avatar

Balls is a Crisis Actor.

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Trish Keene's avatar

Straight up and spot on. This circus of insanity is so full of stupid, stupid people that it is someone is going to hit that WMD button when he thinks he is hitting “send” on his one of his bird calls. Horrors of Kent State, here we come but on a larger scale. “This summer I hear the drumming . . .”

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Steve Shortt's avatar

Keep that “left” hook powerful and effective.

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Owlftr13's avatar

Don't blame this on DC. I'm sure if this choad showed up in most states he would get a beating just for showing his face.

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Megan Macomber's avatar

So...idiot Big Balls, confronted by thugs even younger than himself, responds by saying "Here, take my girlfriend" and then relies on the kindness of strangers--that fellow-feeling he and his evil boss would do anything to extirpate forever.

And now Trump wants to "federalize" DC? Maybe this could work like a double negative: since DC already slogs around under federal control, Trump's plan (or concepts thereof) could reverse that. DC gets statehood and Trump gets a whole new blue state to revile!

Win win win, all around, except for poor Mr. Big Balls, but losers like him will just have to keep relying on the kindness of strangers--or the kind of strangeness (the whim of Elon) that got him and arguably all of us here in the first place, and refuses to get us out.

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The Icarian's avatar

Is there even the slightest chance this was a set up? The kid is the son of n actual Russian agent.

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Glennis Waterman's avatar

I guess Big Balls' balls aren't that big, if he can get beat up by a 15 year old.

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Alyne Taylor's avatar

Staged

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Snowolf100's avatar

I wonder what was in the car that he was protecting so hard. I mean he pushed his girlfriend into the car to be a second line of defence.

Epstein files?

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NH is for 🦡🍄🐍's avatar

I’m not gonna judge here, but heading to your car at 3 a.m. is rarely a good idea. I’m guessing BB may have gotten off easy by getting punched instead of killed when he drove into a bus.

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