Trump To ‘Federalize’ DC Because Big Balls Got Beat Up
Don’t be like Big Balls.
Hoo boy, a mere two days ago we were talking about how Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and his li’l bro Phil and officials from DHS were leaning hard on DoD brass to go ahead and prepare to re-create the federal siege of Los Angeles in cities all over the country, for years, maybe forever. And what do you know, now Dear Leader wants to “federalize” DC, because of an alleged crime against Big Balls.
“Crime in Washington, D.C., is totally out of control. Local ‘youths’ and gang members, some only 14, 15, and 16-years-old, are randomly attacking, mugging, maiming, and shooting innocent Citizens, at the same time knowing that they will be almost immediately released. They are not afraid of Law Enforcement because they know nothing ever happens to them, but it’s going to happen now! The Law in D.C. must be changed to prosecute these ‘minors’ as adults, and lock them up for a long time, starting at age 14. The most recent victim was beaten mercilessly by local thugs. Washington, D.C., must be safe, clean, and beautiful for all Americans and, importantly, for the World to see. If D.C. doesn’t get its act together, and quickly, we will have no choice but to take Federal control of the City, and run this City how it should be run, and put criminals on notice that they’re not going to get away with it anymore. Perhaps it should have been done a long time ago, then this incredible young man, and so many others, would not have had to go through the horrors of Violent Crime. If this continues, I am going to exert my powers, and FEDERALIZE this City. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”
What a time to opine that 14-year-olds aren’t “minors” and put “minors” and “youths” in “quote marks,” Epstein files, cough, Trump Model Management, cough cough!
And hey dummy, DC is already under “federal control.” The DC National Guard is already under the control of the president, and the local government is controlled by Congress, which has power over its budget, the power to review and veto any of its laws, and lets the president appoint all of its local judges. But of course America’s Caesar does not mean directing Congress to allot money to hire more police officers or repair the potholes.
And hey, how did 19-year-old DOGE edgelord Edward “Big Balls” Coristine get uppercutted in his babyface kisser so hard it knocked his shirt off?
According to him, last Sunday he and his special lady, for sure his girlfriend, one Emily Bryant, were near her car at 3 a.m. near Logan Circle when they were approached by a group of teenagers who wanted to take it.
An Emily Bryant does exist! Wired notes, “A DOGE affiliate named Emily Bryant has been linked to the Federal Trade Commission, the General Services Administration, and the Executive Office of the President.” And though Coristine was reported to have left DOGE, he was last known to be still working for the government, now as special employee at the Social Security Administration.
And carjacking is unfortunately a crime that happens, though less now, all over the country. Crime in all categories is at a 30-year low all over, and carjackings are down by 50 percent in DC from the same time last year, for whatever reasons.
But carjackings do still happen, and the smartest thing to do in Big Balls’ girlfriend’s situation is throw your keys as far away as you can and run in the opposite direction, call the police once you’re safe, then deal with your insurance company to get another car, because a car is not worth your life! You don’t know if somebody is armed. When guns are outlawed (like in DC), only outlaws have guns!
That is not what Big Balls did. Instead he pushed his girlfriend into the car and confronted the teenagers. JESUS CHRIST, DO NOT DO THAT. There was a horrible, horrible story in Maryland of a woman who got carjacked with her baby in the car, she tried to stay in the car and retrieve her baby, then ended up getting caught in the seat belt when the carjackers tried to push her out, and met the most gruesome end imaginable. If Big Balls didn’t win the round of fisticuffs, he put his lady in so much more danger.
But luck intervened! First that the teenagers were not armed, and again when police patrolling the area happened on the scene, right after they allegedly socked him in the face. Two 15-year-olds, a boy and a girl, were arrested and charged with attempted carjacking.
Elon Musk, apparently still close to his hacker protege, heard about the incident and took to his hellsite to embellish it into some kind of Uma Thurman vs. The Crazy 88s Kill Bill-type scenario:
“A few days ago, a gang of about a dozen young men tried to assault a woman in her car at night in DC,” Musk said. “A Doge team member saw what was happening, ran to defend her and was severely beaten to the point of concussion, but he saved her. It is time to federalize DC.”
Sounds like the DC police saved her. Street patrols work! But, of course, Donald Trump and his fascist friends and frenemies have been itching to have the military occupy the streets of DC and shoot some Black people in the kneecaps from Blackhawk helicopters, ever since Black Lives Matter protestors scared him so much he reportedly cowered in a bunker in the White House. But Gen. Mark Milley talked him down and he settled for tear-gassing the protestors to hold up that upside-down Bible as his statement instead.
PREVIOUSLY!
And it made him cankle-stomping treason-accusing execution-threatening mad! But now the Supreme Court has freed the president from the confines of all laws, and Pete Hegseth has fired the military lawyers, and they want to make their holy-war dream come true!
Will it? We already saw the pilot of this monster truck show in Los Angeles. The military is not supposed to be engaged in civilian law enforcement, like patrolling for carjackers. Best they can do is stand around guarding federal property, or if they happen upon somebody dumb enough to be in the act of committing a crime right in front of them, they can detain them until local police arrive. Otherwise, they stand around sweating in 60 pounds of gear. It’s horrible for the morale of people who joined the military or DC National guard to protect civilians against natural disasters or Al-Qaedas, and the federal troops occupying Los Angeles got so bored they started rage-shitting in the Humvees. And it’s expensive as shit, occupying Los Angeles cost at least $2.2 million a day. So many school lunches!
Could Pete Hegseth go down the line until he found somebody in the military willing to break the law and tell soldiers to Kent State some civilians? Guess we’ll see. At the least he wants to drive a tank around Dupont Circle for a photo op, honking the horn!
Occupation also gives a city all the warmth of Pyongyang. But Dear Leader is clearly not concerned about tourism, or the military getting stretched too thin. He will make America Great Again, one tank and teargas canister at a time, for as many years as it takes!
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"They are not afraid of Law Enforcement because they know nothing ever happens to them."
He oughta know.
Boy is that picture of a bloodied and battered person with the word "America" behind him a most apt metaphor for what Assface and company have done to the country.