Trump Tower: A Luxurious Address With Secret Service Protection And A Target On Its Back!

What, you don't want to live there?

Oh hey, Manhattan-ites and average frustrated Rust Belt voters who voted for a guy Just Like You to be president, have we got a DEAL FOR YOU! It is the ability to live at only the finest address, on one of the most luxurious streets in the world, one that happens to have very little traffic these days, due to how the occupant of the penthouse at 721 Fifth Avenue convinced a solid minority of voters to make him the preznit of America, and he refuses to actually act like a president and GO THE HELL TO WASHINGTON. This means the entire block is basically having to be retrofitted as a bunker ( expensively! ), in order to protect Dear Leader Donald Trump. Haven't you always wanted to live on a block with a flagship Tiffany store that might have to close soon because it's too much of a pain in the ass to get there? It'll be such a calm, solitary shopping experience until it has to shut down!

Would you like to live in a place that just might lose a good bit of market value in the coming years, much like it was a real fuckin' pain to sell a house in Munich's Hitler Valley Pines after 1945 or so? (WHATEVER, HATERS, THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GERMANY NEIGHBORHOOD.)

Sorry, we have not told you about the two best "aminities" at this address. Here is the first "aminity," as advertised in a flier published by Politico:

Girl, we do not know what Ariel Sassoon and Devin Leahy, the brokers at Douglas Elliman Real Estate selling this property, are getting each other for Secret Santa this year, but we hope it is one thousand Speak & Spells.

Now, we do not know if it's quite accurate to say that YOU, personally, would be getting Secret Service protection if you lived there. That's for Melon Trump and her son Barron, and also Donald when he is stinkin' up the place, which will probably be "always." More like Secret Service might steal your Wi-Fi and watch sexxx porn, if you want our honest real estate opinion.

But it's true that the Secret Service is protecting the building, so some of that added safety might trickle down your body.

Which leads us to the second "aminity" that the flier does not mention! If you live at this address, you will literally live at the only residential building in New York City that we're pretty sure is now wearing a giant target on its back, at least in the eyes of our enemies! How many people can say that??? That's gotta be worth at least a few bucks more per square foot, for the thrill ride value alone.

Speaking of per square foot, Politico has some info on how units are doing in this building, considering all their luscious "aminities":

There are 16 active sale listings and 16 active rentals in the building, according to Street Easy. Six of the sale listings have gone down in price in the past year, while just one has increased. Six rental listings have gone down, with one increasing. The rest of the listings have been stable.

Debra Stotts, a realtor for Town Residential brokerage, who has worked in marketing for the Trump Organization for 8 years until 2011 and still represents many listings in their properties, said that the appeal of living in Trump Tower is "50-50.”

“Honestly, it’s 50-50 just like the polls, there are those who flee, there are those who are going to the building and want to be associated with Trump as a winner,” Stotts said.

Stotts told Politico that all those reduced prices were happening before Trump was elected, blaming it on the market, and definitely not on how the Trump brand was already a gaudy piece of shit even before Trump won the election by losing. She's in real estate, though, so we'll at least trust her when she says the market's been funky. #ThingsHappen

If the $2,100,000 price tag above, on a 1,052 square foot unit, is too pedestrian for your tastes, the same firm also has a $3,400,000 unit on the 54th floor, right up under the penthouse, so you might be able to hear Donald when he does his early morning Twitter-craps, depending on how sound travels in the building.

Whether you consider that an "aminity" or not is up to you.

[ Politico ]