Trump Trial Day 19: Merchan SCORCHES BOB'S A**

Can you believe we just asterisked ASS? What the fuck!

Tina Jones, a very good girl

Defendant Trump spent his weekend watching his son Barron’s graduation next to his frosty wife, wrestling a podium in Minnesota, and glitching-out Mitch McConnell style for an awakward 37 seconds at an NRA rally in Texas (can’t a guy take a dump in peace?).

But Monday that New York criminal election interference case was back, with more Trump napping, more surrogates in matchy suits and ties, more Michael Cohen on the stand, and more of Todd Blanche frowning intensely and tripping over his own dick! And surprise, a defense witness, it was sleazy Trumpworld lawyer Bob Costello, one of the many lawyers Rudy Giuliani stiffed, still trying to earn a spot in the family. And surprise, Bob was a total asshole!

Closing arguments were supposed to be today (Tuesday), but Justice Juan Merchan put them off for another week until the May 28, so that they’ll be fresh in juror’s minds after the holiday weekend. He’s keeping the mommybloggers busy! And Bob Costello is back on the stand today. Will Trump take the stand like he said he would last month? Wouldn’t that be a hoot! Either way, the surely-miserable jury should be able to get to deliberating by the end of next week.

You can catch up on Friday’s happenings here.

Trump Trial Day 18: 99 Peenballons

First, an important update on one mystery: Who broke New York’s litter laws with the release of those hundred peenballons? It was one Scott LoBaido, a right-wing famous artist known for selling prints of Richard Petty, and “thousands of renditions of Old Glory,” in case you were wondering where your Fox-watching uncle gets the art for his den. LoBaido explained himself to the culture reporter from Staten Island Live dot com: “I speak for many people with what I did today — I think they’re a bunch of dicks.” LoBaido’s other performance art happenings include throwing pizza slices to protest emissions laws, and pouring red paint on the sidewalk to protest Alvin Bragg being a “liberal bleeding heart.” I dunno, Bragg’s seeming pretty tough on crime this week.

Trump had some fresh faces in his mean-girl clique Monday besides Boris, Alina, and Eric: massage enthusiast Alan Dershowitz, election-denying South Carolina AG Alan Wilson, and Representatives Eric Burlison, Andrew Clyde, Mary Miller, and Keith Self. Also spotted: Greta Van Susteren’s husband John Coale, Missouri Attorney General candidate Will Scharf, Giuliani’s convicted and pardoned police chief Bernie Kerik, Kash Patel, and the former president of the New York chapter of Hells Angels, Chuck Zito, who was reportedly good pals with both John Gotti and Sylvester Stallone. And they say there’s no diversity or appreciation for arts in the GOP!

Trump stopped on his way in to complain about the air conditioning and admit to facts in the case again. "This is why I'm here. Because WE called it a legal expense." 

But but but he said he never met her? And didn’t know anything about any of this? So who’s this “we”? Are we already on the fifth stanza of the narcissist’s prayer? 

Once in court, Blanche’s exhaustive, scattered questioning of Cohen was so boring that Trump was asleep within the first 30 minutes instead of his usual 90. And the jurors, who are not allowed to nap, reportedly looked very fucking over it: eyes glazing over and wandering, one juror rubbed his temples, another cradled their head in their hands. Blah blah blah, Todd Blanche is so outraged that Cohen scammed that poll-rigging money, yada yada.

Let’s just skip to the juicy parts and go from mildly tangy to spicy hot! 

Mildly tangy

Holy Sasha Obama’s bong, Todd Blanche asked Cohen if he and David Pecker talked “about a potential extortion of Tiffany Trump about photographs” before Election Day, a point Blanche raised then quickly dropped, just like the Mooch visiting Cohen in Otisville. Why titillate us with this? And what photographs might they be? “You handled it and spoke to Mr. Pecker and Ms. Trump about it, and spoke with general counsel at AMI to shut this down?”

“Yes, to Pecker and Ms. Trump about it to figure out a way to shut it down.”

HMM! Shut WHAT down? We may never know, but Tiffany and Barron did previously party with Linsday Lohan, and allegedly at one of these parties Paris Hilton’s brother punched Barron in the face, so Tiff’s party pictures are surely legendary. Responsible parents these kids have! 

Medium Spicy

So much for Blanche’s Perry Mason gotcha! Friday, Blanche had been going on and on about how Michael Cohen and Trump bodyguard Keith Schiller had been texting about a PRANK CALLER, ergo, hence, Q.E.D., there was no way Michael Cohen talked to Trump via Keith Schiller the night of October 24 at 8:02 p.m. to let him know that Stormy’s money had been wired. They were simply too busy texting about a prank caller. Crying little shit Todd was literally shrieking at Cohen that he was A LIAR.

BLANCHE: You lied about this. You said you didn’t remember the harassing phone calls — now you claim that in the one minute and 36 seconds call you spoke about the harasser and Stormy Daniels!

COHEN: Could have been.

BLANCHE: Not what you said Tuesday. You are lying!

BUT WHADDAYA KNOW, turns out C-SPAN has video and a still photo of Schiller and Trump, walking cheek-to-cheek away from a campaign speech together seconds before the call! Blanche shrieked some more and squealed to Merchan that he never implied that Trump and Schiller weren’t together, the jury shouldn’t see that photograph! Blanche loses! The jury sees it! Another Blanche swing, miss, and faceplant. 

ASS-BLASTING HOT!

Bob Costello pushing Juan Merchan to his last fucking straw!

Michael Cohen was released from his bondage after four days of testimony, and the prosecution rested. Twenty witnesses, more than 200 exhibits, so who’s the one blockbuster guy the defense could put on the stand that would create enough doubt to save Trump’s bacon? Well, it wasn’t sleazebag MAGA lawyer Bob Costello, though he put on a fine asshole show of being an asshole, because Trump loves that kind of thing, even more than Cats!

Bob was Rudy Giuliani’s lawyer in 2018, back before Rudy peeled off in a cloud of hairdye without paying Bob the $1.4 million in legal bills he owed. But back then they were the highest-flying of monkeys, Rudy had moved into the “main consigliere” position Cohen had wanted, and Bob was his poo-flinging right paw. 

Cohen testified last Tuesday all about how Trump Org’s buffoon controller Jeff McConney connected him with Costello to make a back channel reacharound to Trump, and dangled the promise ring “pre-pardon” if Cohen would just #BEBEST and stay loyal. Why would Cohen need outside counsel, when he could be safe at Bob’s bosom?

Costello mafia-rifically emailed Cohen, "You have friends in high places, sleep well."

Justice Merchan told the defense that Costello could only testify about two of Cohen’s inconsistent statements, but Bove and Costello had their own plan for a two-man show, with Bove asking things way outside of scope like “What did Cohen say about Trump's family?” and then Costello carrying on talking over prosecution objections, getting performatively pissed, and shaking his head and bitterly muttering invectives like “ridiculous!” and “Jesus!” and barking “strike it!” at the court reporter. He obnoxiously snapped at the prosecutor “speak into the mike!” Finally, Merchan had enough when Costello eyefucked him, and was MEGAPISSED.

“Are you staring me down right now? CLEAR THE COURTROOM!” 

OH SHIT, BOB DID IT! Jury and reporters OUT. Though Trump’s two rows of supporters and Eric didn’t go, because they’ve got no respect either. Merchan gave Costello the goddamned what-for for his shitass disrespectful attitude:

MERCHAN: I would like to discuss proper decorum in my courtroom. So when there’s a witness on the stand, if you don’t like my ruling, you don’t say, ‘Jeez,’ okay? And then you don’t say ‘strike it,’ because I’m the only one who can strike testimony in the courtroom. If you don’t like my ruling, you don’t give me side-eye. You understand that?

Sir, your conduct is contemptuous right now. I'm putting you on notice that your conduct is contemptuous. If you try to stare me down one more time, I will remove you from the stand.

[To Bove] I will strike his entire testimony, do you understand me?

COSTELLO: Can I say something, please?

MERCHAN: No. No. This is not a conversation.

Seriously, fuck you, Bob.

With the jury back in, a chastened and red-faced Costello was quieter about spinning his bullshit story, where Cohen said he had nothing on Trump, and told him that he made that Stormy Daniels payment himself.

“He said, ‘I swear to God, Bob, I've got nothing on Donald Trump.’ He said, ‘I don't know why they want to jail me for a couple of fucking NDAs’” and “He said President Trump knew nothing about those payments. He repeated this numerous times.”

Mmm Hmm. Sure, Bob. And maybe Cohen did say that, because why would he tell Rudy’s sleazy backchannel lawyer anything?

The jury was dismissed, and Blanche asked that the case be dismissed because Cohen is a liar. Whatever. Court adjourned for the day, and Costello will be back on the stand this morning, groan.

Trump immediately went outside to violate the gag order. “You saw what happened to a highly respected lawyer today, Bob Costello. I have never seen anything like that,” and reading from his stack of papers, referring to Michael Cohen, “Andrew McCarthy says he stole from the Trump Organization.” Michael Cohen himself said he stole from the Trump Organization! Also BLAINE WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.

What will the rest of the week hold? Will Trump catch the gag contempts he so richly deserves? Will Costello continue to behave? Will Trump take the stand and perjury trap himself 90 ways to Sunday? Will this trial ever wrap up? 

Find out tomorrow and next week on The Old and The Tootiful!