Trump Tries To Lure Canada Into Fish Fiasco
Let’s Go Brandon Road Interbasin Project!
Donald J. Trump resurrected his “Governor Carney” shtick last week to try to bait the Canadian prime minister into sinking some cash for the construction of a high-tech aquatic barrier meant to save the Great Lakes and their $5.1 billion fishing industry from an invasive species that the demented bottom-feeder has put on ice.
Which may seem surprising given his boner for building a border wall during the first round but there’s even less of a chance of getting Mexico to foot the bill for this one, and he’s clearly suggesting Canada should help bail the US out from a mistake made half a century ago.
A Truth Social post, likely written by a minion given the proper punctuation, stated:
I’m working with Governor Gretchen Whitmer on trying to save The Great Lakes and the rather violent and destructive Asian carp, which is rapidly taking over Lake Michigan, and all of the beautiful surrounds. I’ll be asking other Governors to join into this fight, including those of Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, New York, and, of course, the future Governor of Canada, Mark Carney, who I know will be happy to contribute to this worthy cause...
Nice eco-system you’ve got here, it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
As usual, there are a few other things he got wrong. Asian carp are normally referred to as “invasive carp” for the same reason his kung flu jokes in the pandemic mostly fell flat, but the old man has never been one to pass up an opportunity to be racist. Also they aren’t “rapidly taking over Lake Michigan” yet, which is the whole point behind the urgent Brandon Road Interbasin Project.
The name may sound like a boring municipal rezoning initiative but instead is a last gasp effort to beef up security at the historic Brandon Road Lock and Dam on the Des Plaines River in Joliet just 47 miles south of the mouth of Lake Michigan to prevent the worst underwater invasion since Namor took on Wakanda.
Big Gretch went on an excursion to the White House last week to demand the release of promised funding as well as lobbying for FEMA support after recent ice storms and for new fighter jets to be stationed at the military base in Harrison Township, while presumably also quietly reminding Dear Leader of his promise not to pardon the domestic terrorists who tried to kidnap her in 2020.
Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker also weighed in Friday with a press release featuring the Wonkette-worthy headline “President Trump Betrays the Great Lakes (Again).”
“The Great Lakes are a treasured international resource and the largest fresh water source in the world, and if the Trump Administration does not deliver needed federal funds, then they are betraying every American that relies on this water,” said Pritzker. “It is imperative that President Trump uphold his stated commitments to stop the invasive species threatening our Great Lakes and release the funds needed to resume construction on the Brandon Road Interbasin Project. Illinois has always done our part, and it is past time President Trump do his.”
The Department of the Interior issued an “administrative review and pause” on the whole $1.15 billion shebang back in December, while the $225 million Congress already pinky-swore to provide for the dam upgrade remains under lock and key. Maybe someone should tell Republicans it would also somehow keep fentanyl out of the country.
The problem began in the early ‘70s when government scientists in Arkansas chose to import foreign carp as a way to gobble up algae from catfish farms and sewage lagoons without using chemicals. Not unlike lawn darts, mining for asbestos, voting for Nixon or other ideas that might’ve seemed sensible at the time, it was a bad call. Some of them eventually escaped into the Mississippi due to flooding, and they’ve been wreaking havoc on watersheds ever since because they’re basically Mother Nature’s version of an unsatiable Roomba and are driving out more edible and valuable fish who belong there.
They’re like an uninvited party guest who eats all the sushi and then punches the host. Quite literally in the silver carp’s case due to its habit of leaping into the air when freaked out by the sound of propellers, and untold numbers of anglers and water-skiers have gotten a proverbial slap in the face with a wet fish in the years since.
The project is meant to be the last line of defense before the bane of the Des Plaines gains its way to Lake Michigan and more difficult to navigate than the Strait of Hormuz now is for oil tankers. Deterrents include a wall of bubbles to disorient them followed by electrified water and blaring underwater speakers and then a Final Boss release valve meant to flush away anything that made it close to the finish line.
Michigan and Illinois are the only states ponying up to address the threat, but it seems unlikely Carney would want to help with a problem born in the USA. Especially after the toddler-in-chief took one look at the new Gordie Howe International Bridge that Canada paid for and decided it instead belonged to him.
"the future Governor of Canada, Mark Carney, who I know will be happy to contribute to this worthy cause"
Sure, because insulting allies is a time-tested way to get their assistance!
/FFS
Upfist for the "Let's Go Brandon Road..." subhead.