Trumper So Inspired By Ice Goons He Attacked 'Foreign' People For Free. No Need To Thank Him!
Oregon freeway shooter missed multiple people, thank Crom, and bragged he could 'smoke more weed than Willie Nelson.'
Donald Trump continues to inspire his followers to do what they’re pretty sure is their part in making America white again, even if that involves breaking a few laws against assault, attempted carjacking, and firing guns at complete strangers. But hey, higher purpose, man. At least this time, nobody was murdered.
In Oregon, Charles Simmons, a 53-year-old MAGA dude, went on a bizarre crime spree last Thursday on Interstate 5, the west’s major north-south freeway. He was super upset about immigration, and before his Dipshit Derby, called state police to complain he’d seen “foreign” people driving on the freeway, presumably a crime that needed punishing. After causing several accidents (no serious injuries as far as we can tell) and shooting at people (nobody hit, thank Crom), he’s been charged with 17 crimes and is being investigated for possible bias crime charges as well.
MAGA Fuckhead On The Road. His Brain Is Squirmin’ Like A Toad.
In the Oregon incident — in Douglas County, where Yr Doc Zoom lived as a child — Simmons started his Thursday morning early by calling the Roseburg office of the Oregon State Police to complain he’d seen “foreign” people driving on the freeway. By 8:18, multiple agencies were responding to several 911 calls about shots being fired and other incidents as Simmons drove north on I-5 in his Ram pickup, apparently on a self-assigned mission to rid that bit of Douglas County of foreigns.
Among other allegations reported by local media from court documents, Simmons walked up to one man’s vehicle and demanded to know, “Are you loyal to the country?” after which he started banging on the window with his gun, and fired two shots at a passenger who ran for safety. He missed, hooray for MAGAs who can’t shoot straight.
At another point, Simmons drove up to a man who was walking along the interstate, asked if the man was a US citizen, then told him to get in so Simmons could take the man to the state police. When the man was reluctant to obey the armed lunatic, Simmons fired a shot at him and missed; the man ran behind the center barrier of the freeway to hide, and fortunately there was no traffic.
Simmons also tried to carjack a guy whose vehicle he rear-ended, according to a statement to police by the driver after he was taken to a hospital for x-rays.
He said Simmons told him he was an armed militia on a mission, and needed to take his vehicle, but the vehicle wouldn't start. He said Simmons also tried to stop another truck and take it, but the driver took off.
After that, Simmons even tried to carjack the ambulance that arrived to transport the guy he’d rear-ended, but without success. It’s apparently harder than the Grand Theft Auto video games would lead one to believe.
The Dipshit Rampage finally came to an end when police arrived on the scene — within 10 minutes of the first 911 calls — and found his pickup with front-end damage. Simmons refused to comply with the cops, but they arrested him after using a taser on him instead of shooting him, one big difference from how ICE and Border Patrol goons have behaved in Minneapolis.
Police said Simmons had to be sedated before being transported to a hospital, and that he told them “he could smoke more weed than Willie Nelson, and that he was taking Zoloft to treat PTSD and mental health disorders.”
Simmons’s Facebook account is full of weird rants, most of the weirdest shit posted in the two days before he went on his one-man militia mission. A sampling, before his page inevitably goes away:
In other posts, he wrote that Democrats all loved slavery, which is why they support illegal immigration so they can have more slaves, and was very upset that Black people don’t see what Oregon is doing to reestablish slavery. He also explained that anyone who imposes taxes must be killed.
In another post, Simmons said that Oregon Gov. Tina Kotek was causing illegal immigration by “not employing all forces” and that he had “ informed the State Police that she is in violation and must reverse course. Warriors not politicians make freedom.”
Simmons’s own warrior bid to bring freedom has put at least a temporary end to his own freedom, since he’s been charged with 17 crimes including “attempted first-degree assault, unlawful use of a weapon, unlawful possession of a firearm, discharging weapon on or across highway, second-degree bias crime, reckless driving, recklessly endangering another person, menacing, driving under the influence of intoxicants, second-degree disorderly conduct and third-degree criminal mischief.”
Prosecutors later upgraded the bias crimes and criminal mischief charges to first degree, and a judge has set his bail at a million dollars because Christ, what an asshole. Again, while Simmons is ridiculous, let’s keep in mind that not all violent MAGA crazies are as incompetent as this fucker.
We’d just like to point out that since they’re all state charges, Donald Trump will not legally be able to pardon Mr. Simmons. And despite Simmons’s sincere convictions, the state of Oregon has apparently not ended taxation.
[KATU / News-Review]
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Misremembered Doors lyrics corrected from "mind is twitchin' like a toad" to "brain is squirmin' like a toad."
For my money, "twitchin'" is better, because alliteration. But hey, nobody's gonna visit my tomb in Paris, now are they?
"I Smoke more weed than Willie Nelson"
that's a great conversation starter T-shirt