Trump's Birthday Card To Dead Sex Pest Epstein As Gross As We Imagined

And other people were in on the 'joke.'

It’s not every day that dead sex pest Jeffrey Epstein gets to undercut a Donald Trump lawsuit from beyond the grave. But he did just that on Monday, when Congress announced the disgraced ephebophilia enthusiast’s estate had turned over a book of birthday cards that Ghislaine Maxwell had put together for Epstein for his 50th birthday in 2003.

Back in July, a mere 172 months ago in TPT (Trump Presidency Time), The Wall Street Journal got its hands on one of the cards in that book. It was a card our wet-brained president had drawn and signed to Epstein for his big 5-0, back when the two were still best friends and neither had been convicted of or held liable for any sex crimes. And ooo boy, did it sound racy, in a “slightly dirty Jazz Age-style drawing hanging behind the cash register at Elaine’s” sort of way.

The Journal described the drawing as lines of text surrounded by the outline of a naked woman, with a couple of little squiggles for boobs and, towards the bottom, Donald Trump’s famous EKG of a signature below the waist to “mimic pubic hair.” But for whatever reason — we can’t imagine it had anything to do with propriety — the paper did not publish the drawing. This allowed Trump to scream FAKE NEWS, deny that the drawing existed, and threaten to sue the Journal and its owner, Rupert Murdoch, into oblivion:

In an interview with the Journal on Tuesday evening, Trump denied writing the letter or drawing the picture. “This is not me. This is a fake thing. It’s a fake Wall Street Journal story,” he said.

“I never wrote a picture in my life. I don’t draw pictures of women,” he said. “It’s not my language. It’s not my words.”

And he did! He sued for $10 billion over this alleged defamation. Which is going to be a problem, since the Journal has now released a copy of the card so we can all see that it does in fact exist:

Our first thought was that those are some rather small and underdeveloped boobs. Then we remembered, oh yeah, Jeffrey Epstein.

Our second thought was that the drawing having no arms was pretty creepy. It looks a bit like Timothy Bottoms post-artillery shell in Johnny Got His Gun.

Our third thought was that Marcie’s attempt in July to imagine what the card looked like was not that far off. In fact, her attempt is much closer to the spirit of what Trump was trying to express. The signature showing up between actual legs really helps:

The Epstein birthday book was turned over to Congress as part of a subpoena from James Comer, chairman of the House Oversight Committee. Comer has long had a talent for shooting himself in the dick, but we can’t recall him also shooting Donald Trump in the dick before.

Besides all the luminaries we already figured had probably made cards for the birthday book (Bill Clinton is in there, natch), Epstein’s estate also turned over a letter from someone named Joel Pashcow. The business executive was listed multiple times in Epstein’s little black book and apparently used to socialize with Trump and Epstein in Palm Beach in the 1990s.

We’ll let the Journal take it from here:

The Pashcow letter included a photo of a posterboard-sized check for $22,500, which had been mocked up to appear that it was sent from Trump to Epstein. Beneath it, a handwritten caption said: “Jeffrey showing early talents with money + women sells ‘fully depreciated’ [redacted] to Donald Trump for $22,500.” The woman’s name is redacted in the image.

Ha ha, get it? The woman is a depreciated asset and Trump picked her up cheap. Why is she depreciated in the minds of these upstanding rich dudes? Oh, we’re sure there’s a wholesome reason that will not in any way make us vomit or gouge out our own eyes with a melon baller.

You might be wondering how MAGA took the news that Trump is in fact exactly who everyone said he is. Way back in July, the consensus as represented by JD Vance seemed to be that the story was total “bullshit.” How would they react to this new wrinkle?

Well, first the signature truthers stopped huffing paint long enough to crawl into the light. Here's the Deputy Chief of Staff of the White House making some point or other:

Later, Press Secretary and walking blonde joke Karoline Leavitt previewed the White House strategy, which is apparently to pretend that seeing the card exonerates Trump based on ?????

“It’s very clear that President Trump did not draw that picture.” Because … why, exactly? Because he can do better than something that looks like an armless mannequin torso? Because he has too much respect for women? Because the drawing sucks?

As best we can interpret this, the argument is going to be that someone, probably some woke former assistant, made the card and sent it to Epstein without telling Trump. Poor Donald. Someone else is always failing him.

We look forward to the next shoe in this long, grotesque, sordid drama to drop, probably before lunch.

[WSJ / House Oversight]

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