Trump's No Peener Payoff! You're The Peener Payoff! Hush Money Trial Begins

God bless us everyone.

Happy Former President Douchenozzle McRapey Finally Has a Criminal Trial to all who celebrate! Which is all of us. It starts this morning!

Sure, of all the felony charges that Donald Trump faces in courts across the land, these are probably the lamest. But it is still causing that ambulatory clogged monkey artery no end of agita, and for that we can all be grateful.

President Faaaaaaart has been preparing for trial the only way he knows how: by being very mad online. As ever, thoughts and prayers to whichever of his minions is currently pulling diaper duty:

Why didn’t they bring this totally discredited lawsuit 7 years ago??? Election Interference!

Does … does he not know this is a criminal trial, and not one of the endless, endless, endless lawsuits he has faced in his 50-year-long career of grifting and criming? And seven years ago, he was in office, so no one was going to bring charges right then. Now, why the Manhattan District Attorney wasn’t waiting at the White House front door at 12:01 p.m. on January 20, 2021, with a subpoena and a set of handcuffs is a whole other question. But better way late than never.

The New York Times on Sunday gave its audience a window into what passes for Trump’s thinking: 

So Mr. Trump, the presumptive 2024 Republican nominee, is seeking to write his own reality, telling a story that he believes could pave his return to the White House. He has framed his failed efforts to delay the case as evidence he cannot receive a fair trial, casting himself as a political martyr under attack from the prosecution and the judge.

Also water is wet. Thank God for Maggie Haberman, who else could possibly bring us such insights? Besides Trump himself, who seems to have spent much of the weekend whining in this vein, presumably in between watching the Masters and getting winded walking to the bathroom:

Just four years ago I was a very popular and successful President of the United States, getting more votes than any sitting President in history. Tomorrow morning I’ll be in Criminal Court, before a totally conflicted Judge, a Corrupt Prosecutor, a Legal System in CHAOS, a State being overrun by violent crime and corruption, and Crooked Joe Biden’s henchmen “Rigging the System” against his Political Opponent, ME! I will be fighting for myself but, much more importantly, I will be fighting for our Country. Election Interference like this has never happened in the USA before and, hopefully, will never happen again. We are now a Nation in serious Decline, a Failing Nation, but we will soon be a Great Nation Again. November 5th will be the most important day in the History of the United States. MAGA2024! SEE YOU TOMORROW.

Maybe he should drag a cross into the courtroom with him, just to really nail the point home.

Presumably one of the first orders of business when court convenes will involve Judge Juan Merchan addressing Trump’s apparent weekend violation of the gag order that was imposed on him days ago. The order specifically prohibits “Making or directing others to make public statements about known or reasonably foreseeable witnesses concerning their potential participation in the investigation or in the criminal proceeding.” So of course Trump is already testing just how serious the judge might be about it:

Has Mark POMERANTZ been prosecuted for his terrible acts in and out of the D.A.’s Office. Has disgraced attorney and felon Michael Cohen been prosecuted for LYING? Only TRUMP people get prosecuted by this Judge and these thugs! A dark day for our Country. MAGA2024!!!

Personally, we’re of the opinion that Judge Merchan might as well go all-out in disciplining Trump. The walking fistula is going to scream and complain and accuse the judge of being a corrupt Marxist or whatever anyway, so have some damn fun. Throw him in a jail cell the first time he opens his mouth. Make him wear a gag and/or a bib in the courtroom. Build a soundproof plexiglass booth in the courtroom and make him sit in it for the duration. And put some rabid badgers in the soundproof booth with him. Really get creative.

The Times also tells us that jury selection might take two weeks and the entire trial might spill over into June, so yay, six weeks of chronicling his daily meltdowns. We recommend pacing yourselves, not following any reporter live-tweeting every single tiny detail, and keeping the popcorn and the whiskey handy.

I want my VOICE back. This Crooked Judge has GAGGED me. Unconstitutional! The other side can talk about me, but I am not allowed to talk about them! Rigged Trial!

Bless his heart.

[New York Times / New York Times again]