Trump's Victory Thank You Tour Marching Into Cincinnati, Will Annex Sudetenland

Bring your own torch!

President-elect Trump is pretty chuffed about winning the election and all that, but you know what he really misses? Campaign rallies! So why should he have to stop having campaign rallies just because the election's over? He's the president-elect, he can do what he wants! So starting with a rally in Cincinnati today, Trump's kicking off a "Thank You Tour" which his staffers are very very adamant the press should not call a "victory tour," so Victory Tour it is. No real reason for it; he's not selling his policy agenda, since he's still waiting to figure out what it is, but that's the beauty of a tour -- no specifics needed, just a spectacular show, maybe with some protesters to beat up, but mostly huge crowds of adoring fans telling Donald Trump they love him. Which is really all he wants, for the rest of the world to tell him it loves him as much as he loves him.

George Gigicos, Trump's advance man, said the tour is expected to focus on "swing states we flipped over," which suggests that you should never let your child share a swing set with George Gigicos. Possible destinations following the Ohio appearances may include Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and Florida, states that President Barack Obama won twice and went to Trump this year. But who knows? Trump just likes being on tour. Maybe he'll get a van and travel the nation, making Americans' lives great one at a time, and possibly solving mysteries, too.

Trump and Pence will also swing by Indianapolis Thursday, to celebrate how excellently the Indiana governor managed to make it look like Donald Trump scared the Carrier air conditioner company into keeping some manufacturing jobs, through the get-tough tactic of forcing them to accept a ton of Indiana taxpayers' money -- about $700,000 a year in payments from the "Indiana Economic Development Corporation," an incentive-granting body that Pence was able to direct to make a deal without any input from the legislature. So that's why Pence didn't step down as governor when he became veep-elect. There's a trick that only works once, but Trump's happy to take the credit. Also, we'd just like to take this opportunity to announce that Wonkette is planning on moving its operations to Burundi, so we'll be looking forward to our bribe to stay here, please.

Ever the snotty cynics, the folks at Talking Points Memo note that while Trump is launching this high-visibility, guaranteed-to-be-televised series of rallies, he hasn't actually held a press conference since July 27. Remember how shocking it was when Hillary Clinton went a couple months without a press conference? This leads us to the inevitable question: What horrifying health problems is Donald Trump hiding?

[ Bloomberg / Slate / Politico / MSNBC / TPM via BalloonJuice ]