Tucker Addresses Nation From His Cracker Barrel-Lookin' Gay Porn 'Hee Haw' Set, Says Nothing Important

Oh how quickly his star is fading.

And so there Tucker sat in the retro outdoorsy studio he constructed near his house in Maine so he could do his shows during the pandemic. You know, COVID-19, the virus he told his idiot viewers not to take so seriously, by casting continual, baseless doubts on the safety of the vaccines, and just outright lying about them, and then some of those viewers died.

What's that architectural style called? Rustic gay porno Cracker Barrel "Hee Haw" orgy? Yes, we believe that's what Frank Lloyd Wright and Fay Jones would have called Tucker's studio.

His people needed to hear from him, to know he was OK. After all, they really all were talking about him like he'd recently died. Which was true in a way, we guess. Will Tucker ever be Tucker again? Is there a testicle tanner powerful enough to restore him to his former glory? Meh dunno probably not, he's pretty old and crusty and definitely not fast enough to run with the younger horses anymore.

“Good evening”

— Tucker Carlson (@Tucker Carlson) 1682553717 

"One of the first things you realize when you step outside the noise for a few days," Tucker began, as if he had decided to step outside the noise for a few days. The thing he realized was not that all the hair and makeup and lighting people had gone away to work for somebody what had a job.

And his message just stayed absolutely pointless from there. Because really, what was the point? To show everybody what an unemployed loser he is? To be the first one to reach out and make contact after the breakup, thus automatically losing the game of "who needs who more?" To sneer at his old Fox News bosses and remind them he's still here like the Sondheim song?

He released it at 8: 01 p.m. Eastern. Sad.

“The undeniably big topics,” Carlson said, “the ones that will define our future get virtually no discussion at all. War, civil liberties, emerging science, demographic change, corporate power, natural resources, when was the last time you heard a legitimate debate about any of those issues?”

Not on the show Tucker has recently been prohibited from doing.

“Debates like that are not permitted in political media,” Carlson added, “This moment is too inherently ridiculous to continue, so it won't…the people in charge know this, that’s why they’re hysterical and aggressive, they’re afraid. They’ve given up persuasion, they’re resorting to force. But it won’t work.”

In perhaps the most direct reference to the executives at Fox who gave him the boot, Carlson said that “when honest people say what’s true, calmly, and without embarrassment, they become powerful. At the same time the liars shrink, and they become weaker. That’s the iron law of the universe: True things prevail.”

Carlson concluded with a vague allusion that he would be back. “Where can you still find Americans saying true things? There aren’t many places left, but there are some, and that’s enough. As long as you can hear the words, there is hope. See you soon.”

Sure buddy whatever. Please remember to lock up the studio when you leave. Don't want a raccoon to get in there and start playing producer and touching buttons and whatnot.

So that was it. Nothing of value was said. Nothing meaningfully reassuring for his morons, though we imagine they're too stupid to realize that. Nothing more to explain why the hell Fox News made him go away so suddenly, but that might have something to do with the oppo file they reportedly have on him that's meant to make sure he shuts his pretty mouth.

And we're not much closer to learning what happened from the news media either. The New York Times has a new thing about how just before the Dominion trial started, the bigwigs saw the contents of some of the texts that were redacted in filings and it was just so much worse than anything we could imagine.

Private messages sent by Mr. Carlson that had been redacted in legal filings showed him making highly offensive and crude remarks that went beyond the inflammatory, often racist comments of his prime-time show and anything disclosed in the lead-up to the trial.

Apparently it set off a "crisis" at Fox News.

We don't know if this is the thing we already know about, where Tucker reportedly called someone — Irena Breganti, head of comms, perhaps, whom he hates? — a "cunt," or if it's even worse than that. We imagine we might find out, though, since these people seem like they're all in the mood to eat each other. But somethin' in there was just real bad, real naughty:

One person briefed on the contents of the redacted material said one of the messages was particularly offensive, adding to the concern at the top of the company.

Uh huh, well all right then. Again, we imagine we'll see it when somebody leaks it out of spite, either for Tucker or for Fox News execs who desperately want this sordid chapter of their lives to be over.

For now, it's Thursday after the Monday Tucker Carlson was fired, and we can see his star fading, fading, fading away.

Twinkle twinkle, motherfucker.

[ Rolling Stone / New York Times ]

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