Tucker Would Like To Go Down On, We Mean With Elon's Sinking Ship

How could this not be successful?

We could see this coming from a mile away. After Tucker Carlson and Elon Musk's fawning googly-eyed interview about sperm and robots, and after Tucker got fired, and after Axios started whispering this week that Tucker and Elon were going to somehow work together, it was pretty clear that Tucker was going to try to do his "show" on Twitter.

You know, where the shows are.

And now that is what is happening! This comes as Tucker is starting a very loud fight with Fox News, accusing them of breach of contract and fraud.

Good luck getting white supremacist Grandpa to watch Tucker play with his nipples on Twitter on his Jitterbug phone. And Grandpa's kids don't speak to him anymore, so they won't be any help. But we're sure idiot paid blue checkmarks will sit still on the computer for long enough for Tucker to spew some Kremlin and white supremacist talking points.

And we're sure all Twitter's advertisers will stop fleeing, since being associated with a right-wing extremist like Tucker is such good business.

And we're sure it's a good idea that Tucker is giving up $25 million in actual money from Fox to break his contract and do this.

 Tucker made the announcement from what looked like a closed hardware store after a nuclear bombing incident of some sort, or maybe it was the Unabomber's gay porn hut. Everything about his demeanor screamed "This is my first choice for life" and "I haven't spent the week masturbating."

“We’re back.”

— Tucker Carlson (@Tucker Carlson) 1683664970 

OK, Tucker. Please take a shower.

The monologue was pointless, just like everything he's said since he was fired. His mouth is moving, but all we hear is "I'm OK! I'm OK! I'm OK, you guys! Really!" The general theme is that the news is only true if it conforms to Tucker's weird mangled sense of what is true. "At the most basic level, the news you consume is a lie." Sure thing, Tucker. Be sure to get a new squirt of lube every now and then, that thing's gonna get raw.

We are not certain, but we predict that Elon will overplay his hand with this, just as he did with his new "For You" tab where he decided that it wasn't "fair" for people to use Twitter if they weren't forced to include the perspective of "Catturd" in their daily Twitter consumption. He will somehow try to force Tucker on people, and people will accelerate their leaving in droves. Twitter will continue not to be a place where people watch TV shows.

Everybody is applauding this business genius idea, obviously:

“Like I said last week: Twitter, brought to you by MyPillow (and only MyPillow)”

— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez) 1683668637 

They are just jealous.

Media Matters folks can't stop laughing. 

“Glenn Beck, Megyn Kelly, and Bill O'Reilly all have regular gigs and make plenty of money. But none of them have controlled a news cycle since they left Fox.”

— Matthew Gertz (@Matthew Gertz) 1683666575 

 Gertz added that "people writing articles about [Megyn] Kelly flaming out at NBC doesn't count." You can read the full statement from Carusone, the CEO, right here. 

They are also just jealous, though.

This former Twitter employee told Semafor it was a completely stupid idea:

A former Twitter employee [who worked on a doomed morning show type thing on Twitter told Semafor] that the core issue with attempting to shift Twitter toward television is the contrast between the requirement that you sit still to watch a show and the basic Twitter experience of scrolling.

“It’s doomscrolling versus doomstaying,” the former Twitter employee said. The notion that Carlson could build a significant video business on Twitter, he said, was “stupid.”

But Matt Walsh thinks it's a good idea! So, you know, different strokes.

Of course, that graf at Semafor also suggests that maybe Twitter is going to just turn it self into a conservative media company. You know how successful those are these days.

“Musk spent $44 billion on turning Twitter into Parler when he could’ve just bought Parler for $200”

— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets”) 1683669865 

 Elon tweeted out a weird thing about how Tucker will have to play by the same "rules" as everyone else, as he engages on the awesome platform he has built where "people are able to interact, critique and refute whatever is said." (As anyone who has been using Twitter lately can attest, this amounts to paid blue checks at the top of every reply section tweeting various number of laugh/cry emojis and typing barely literate right-wing Nazi moron-type words at each other.)

Elon expressed his hope that others, even on the Left, will choose to be "content creators" on Twitter, revealing that he still doesn't understand the first thing about the website he bought. But sure, man, keep driving the thing into the ground.

He also said it's not any kind of exclusive deal he's made with Tucker, so we guess others are still welcome to bark up Tucker's tree.

“It’s hard to think Twitter will be Tucker’s final destination,” [said Newsmax CEO Christopher Ruddy]. “We remain open to having a conversation with him.”

LOL.

Winners all around, we have no notes.

[ Semafor ]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

I would like a BlueSky invite.

I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post! 

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