Tulsi Gabbard's Attempt To Save Trump Pathetic Even By Tulsi Gabbard's Standards
Shockingly, the latest "scandal" isn't a scandal at all.
In a just world, American political life would long have been rid of Tulsi Gabbard. In a just world, this weird mixture of desperation and toadyism would have served a couple of undistinguished terms in Congress, come in 127th in a Democratic presidential primary behind Joe Biden and a coffee spill shaped like Eleanor Roosevelt, then taken her spirit of aloha and fucked off back to Hawaii, where she could live out her days surfing and chanting about sacred turtle eggs or whatever her cult of disaffected Hare Krishnas worships.
But we live in an unjust world, one in which convicted felon Donald Trump became president of the United States and appointed Gabbard to oversee America’s entire intelligence apparatus. Now she is trying to pay him back by doing the only thing he cares about: proving that Barack Obama and other members of the Deep State tried to pull off a coup against him by accusing him of colluding with Russia to fix the 2016 election.
We guess as DNI she’s supposed to be protecting America or something, but hey whatever, there is pretend treachery to pretend to uncover. And Gabbard has flow charts, so there.
Gabbard and her allies — including Matt Taibbi, who probably spends all his time these days in a Faraday cage so the Deep State can’t read his email or his thoughts — spent the last few days hyping this document dump as proof that there was a plot against Trump. Furthermore, this plot is WORSE THAN WATERGATE, the ne plus ultra of presidential scandals for lazy people who need a shorthand reference. And because these are Republicans making the charge, we don’t know if they mean the actual scandal as it happened, or if they are accusing the Deep State of having set up Richard Nixon. Most likely the second one.
Anyway, Gabbard and her cohorts are such lazy and sloppy conspiracy theorists that they manage to disprove their own thesis from the very beginning:
“Russia and criminal actors did not impact recent U.S. election results by conducting cyberattacks on infrastructure.”
Apparently Gabbard is incapable of understanding the difference between “did not impact” and “did not TRY to impact.” We know Russian hackers tried by probing state election systems. There has been voluminous reporting on this. The Senate Intelligence Committee signed off on a bipartisan report, bipartisanly!
So okay, Tulsi Gabbard missed on that one. What else have you got?
*scrolls*
*scrolls some more*
Nothing! Gabbard says nothing about all the other ways Russia tried to meddle in the election. Nothing about Russia successfully hacking the Clinton campaign and the Democratic National Committee computers and stealing all their emails. Nothing about approaches made by Russians to members of the Trump campaign. Nothing about the disinformation, the fake Facebook groups and thousands of trolls flooding social media with bullshit to sow chaos with the electorate.
Basically this “treasonous” conspiracy that Gabbard spent a segment of Maria Bartiromo’s show on Fox on Sunday spelling out is narrowly focused on one part of the accusations against Russia. And she is taking reports and memos that concluded the Russians were unsuccessful and spinning those as somehow being part of a coverup.
This is the big evidence she has sent over to the Department of Justice for investigation and possible criminal charges: officials saying, in essence, President Obama, we followed your order to monitor any attempts by Russia at interfering with the election, and we are relieved to report that whew, we dodged a bullet within one narrow slice of a much larger problem.
And contained in there is a Big Lie, that the primary accusation was ever that Russia had successfully hacked the machines and changed vote totals. Nope. But surprise, this is a lie Republicans have been trying to tell basically ever since Russia’s successful operation to help steal the election for Donald J. Trump.
That’s it. That is the big, alleged subterfuge that Gabbard is now suggesting DOJ should prosecute.
But if you listen to Gabbard and the rest of the Republican lie machine, she has proven the conspiracy, and America will need decades to recover from this shocking discovery.
Perhaps most hilariously, Gabbard dates the beginning of this coup d’etat to early December of 2016, when as we mentioned above, there was a lot of shit that went down well before then.
Gabbard can perhaps get away with this with Trump’s base for a couple of reasons. One, his base is made up of mouthbreathing morons who can’t successfully belt up their pants without consulting a how-to video on YouTube.
Two, the perhaps sloppy language for the last eight years of saying Russia “hacked” the election. “Hacked” in this case basically means to have sewn chaos around the election. (Also the “HACK AND LEAK” operation — extremely successful! — to steal documents from Democrats and Hillary Clinton’s campaign and disseminate them!) But Gabbard is taking the word much more literally and narrowly. There was no successful computer hacking of voting machines; therefore, the election was not hacked.
We have never liked saying Russia hacked the election. We much prefer saying that Russia fucked with the election. It's much more direct. Everyone understands when you say something got fucked with.
Something else that we find funny is that during the first Trump administration, the position of director of national intelligence was held at various times on either an acting or permanent basis by Trump lackeys John Ratcliffe, Kash Patel, and Ric Grenell. All three of those guys had access to the same information that Gabbard has now. All three of them are just as galactic suck-ups as Tulsi Gabbard. And none of these three courtiers thought to earn the mad king’s favor by figuring out a way to turn anodyne bureaucratic reports into a foundations-of-democracy-shaking scandal! What a bunch of losers.
Will this sudden discovery of incriminating evidence get MAGA’s mind off whatever Trump was doing with known kiddie-diddler Jeffrey Epstein, which seems to have sent the president into low-earth orbit recently? Stay tuned!
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They really will never get over that a Black man was president and a good president at that.
Why is Maria Bartiromo wearing a Statue of Liberty costume on her TV show?
I get so confused when I don’t sleep.