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Twitter Worth Less Than Half Of What Elon Paid, Trust Him With All Your Money!
Twitter is going to be your bank and your Grindr and your Big Lots and your YouTube and your veterinarian and your
Here are three facts about Elon Musk and the artist formerly known as Twitter, which is now simply known as “NaziMingle.” Or X. One of those, we are almost certain.
Fact The First: Twitter is OFFICIALLY worth less than half the dollars Elon paid for it, when he blew $44 billion to create a place where (he thought) people would finally treat him like a super cool guy who’s handsome and interesting. Instead it’s just incels, Nazis, that sad Libs of TikTok woman, and various other societal rejects and deplorables who pay Elon a monthly fee for a blue check, sitting at a lunch table by themselves and screaming through their orthodontic headgear that you can’t sit with them.
The formal valuation Elon has just had done puts the value of his garbage website at $19 billion, which for context is a mere 10 or 13 times more than what Donald Trump thinks Mar-a-Lago is worth. Again, this is Elon’s number.
The company is giving employees ownership shares, and they’re pegged to that value.
That price is a 55 percent discount to Musk’s original purchase price, per the documents, which note that “the fair market value per share is determined by the Board of Directors based on a number of factors in a manner that complies with applicable tax rules.” (Musk is X’s chair and has yet to create a formal board.)
The Verge notes that in the eyes of Fidelity, which was a major investor in Elon’s vanity/feelings purchase of Twitter, it might be more like $15 or $16 billion, which would suggest the $19 million number is a little bit rounded up. That’s a 65 percent devaluation, whereas Elon’s is only 55 percent.
Fact the second: Old Business Guy Jones up there wants to be your bank!
Last Thursday, Elon had an all-hands meeting, where he told everybody about his awesome plan for getting large numbers of people to trust him with their money. And he wants it done by the end of 2024, dammit!
“When I say payments, I actually mean someone’s entire financial life,” Musk said, according to audio of the meeting obtained by The Verge. “If it involves money. It’ll be on our platform. Money or securities or whatever. So, it’s not just like send $20 to my friend. I’m talking about, like, you won’t need a bank account.”
It’s not just Venmo. It’s Venmo AND bank. AND “money or securities or whatever.” So you can close your “money or securities or whatever” account and just stuff your IRA in Elon’s underpants. Don’t worry, it’ll be fine!
X CEO Linda Yaccarino said the company sees this becoming a “full opportunity” in 2024. “It would blow my mind if we don’t have that rolled out by the end of next year,” Musk said.
Yes, it would blow all our minds, definitely. For sure we can see people lining up around the block to give Elon the keys to their entire financial lives. You bet.
Elon’s been dreaming of this ever since decades ago when he cooked up the original idea for an app called “X,” which would be the “everything app,” where everything happens. (The original incarnation failed so hard.)
This is going to be great.
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Fact the Third: Elon wants the Twitter bank to be your Grindr too.
Ya know, because if you’re gonna get fucked, GET FUCKED.
(Yes, that is an outstanding slogan, and yes if Elon wants it, it is available for the low price of $44 billion. Cash.)
This was announced at the same all-hands call, which coincided with the one-year anniversary of Elon buying Twitter and immediately commencing to running it into the ground:
During the call, Musk attempted to take a tone of excitement for what X will look like over the next year, the people present said. X will in 2024 be a "fully fledged" dating site, he insisted, as well as a digital bank.
Have the Nazis and incels in his replies been begging him to help them get their dicks wet for the first time or something? Or not even that?
This Insider article is so saucy:
Musk did not get into details of how exactly X would become a dating app, if there was any user demand for such features, or what further product changes would be made to turn it into one, one of the people present said. However, the idea is in line with Musk's push for features that require payment, as most dating apps today are some form of subscription service.
Who asked for the privilege of hooking up with paid blue check idiots? No one!
Getting more users to give X payment and banking information ties in with Musk's long-held desire for X to offer full payment and banking services to users, part of his ambitions to create an "everything app" like WeChat, one of the people present said. "He wants people to pay for everything," the person noted.
Yeah, come on! Somebody, anybody give Elon your credit card number or your bank account login!* What could go wrong?
One of Insider’s sources said of all Elon’s lofty goals that “It doesn't seem to be what users really want,” but that source is obviously no fun. Also no fun? Twitter’s employees:
Despite Musk's attempt during the meeting to boost the future of X, its remaining employees are not convinced. Several employees submitted questions before the meeting regarding the company's financial state as advertisers and users continue to flee the platform. People also asked about its current valuation, of which one of the people said there has still been "zero transparency."
Yeah, well, now Elon has transparently said that he has shat away approximately 55 percent of the purchase price of the company, isn’t that transparent?
This is all going exactly how we thought it would, warmest regards all around.
*Do not ever give Elon Musk your financial information.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.