Uh Oh, Donald Trump! RFK Jr.'s Name Stuck On All These Swing State Ballots!
That wasn't the Art Of The Deal RFK Jr. and Donald Trump made at all!
When Robert F. Kennedy Jr. burped his way out of the presidential race and into Donald Trump’s heart, he had a plan: Get off the ballot in the swing states where his candidacy could hurt Trump, but stay there and become president of all the others, as God and the voices in his head intended.
You know, because the nutsacks who like him are most likely to also be nutsacks who like Trump. It’s not the exact same constituency, but it’s a pretty 69-ey Venn diagram of fuckin’ lunatics. "Our polling consistently showed that by staying on the ballot in the battleground states, I would likely hand the election over to the Democrats, with whom I disagree on the most existential issues," he said when he was dropping out to spend more time licking Trump’s crack.
(Not that his candidacy was still pulling really impressive numbers ever since Kamala Harris entered the race. It’s been looking more likely Harris would just beat both of these idiots.)
(LIKE SO)
Wait, did we say “as God intended” just up there?
God got jokes.
And God’s joke is that Kennedy can’t get off the ballot, specifically in some of these swing states, not this late in the game.
L.O.L.
In Michigan, Secretary of State Jocelyn Benson says it’s too late. Kennedy is the nominee for the “Natural Law” Party — stop laughing, this is real stuff — and they made it official. You can’t just go fucking off now.
So that’s unfair. And after Trump told Kennedy he was his extra-super-special-secret-deputy-spaceman Transition Team guy and everything! And then RFK Jr. went to brag to Tucker Carlson about it, and now RFK Jr. can’t hold up his end of the bargain in Michigan?
Also Wisconsin, the swingiest of the swing states, just told him to fuck off and go eat some cheese? (The Wisconsin Election Commission voted 5-1 in favor of “fuck off,” in fact.)
Also Colorado, which is pretty much a blue state, just told him to fuck off and go hurl his body down a bunny slope but don’t pick up any dead animals along the way?
Fuck!
He won’t be on the ballot in Arizona, Nevada (despite what that tweet in a few paragraphs will claim), or Pennsylvania (or Florida or Texas), but it’s also quite uncertain what’s going to happen in North Carolina, a state the Harris campaign is zeroing in on something fierce, and which all the election handicappers are currently busy moving out of the “leans Republican” category and in the Democratic direction.
They’ve already printed a fuckton of ballots. They’re supposed to do it again because this human zero got backstage at a Trump rally?
The good news here is that for discerning voters who saw Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s candidacy and said “You know what? I think what America needs is a guy with a rotting worm cadaver in his brain, eating away at whatever functioning parts were left,” they can still vote for him in a lot of states, including Michigan, Wisconsin, Colorado and maybe North Carolina.
The bad news is for you-know-who.
Here’s an interesting factlet on all of this from Dave Weigel:
What fun.
There are of course a bunch of MAGA losers on the internet screaming “ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” right now, but you don’t care, they scream that about everything that turns their chosen candidates into flaccid fuckin’ losers.
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In Soviet Republican, the rats fuck *you*!
|... they scream that about everything that turns their chosen candidates into flaccid fuckin’ losers. |
Should we be cushioning our remarks, couching them in milder terms? Should we not accuse JD Vance of stolen velour?