University Of Chicago Cancels Classes Under Credible Threat Of Second Amendment

Suspect may not actually have aquamarine hair. Or garters.

Classes were cancelled Monday at the University of Chicago due to a "specific anonymous threat of gun violence," reports the New York Times. It's not immediately clear why the school didn't simply man up and issue handguns to all students and faculty so they could continue their day as normal.

University president Robert Zimmer said the school had been warned Sunday by FBI counterterrorism agents, who advised that “an unknown individual” had posted an online threat to attack the campus's main quad at 10 AM Monday.

Mr. Zimmer said he decided to cancel classes “based on the F.B.I.’s assessment of this threat and recent tragic events at other campuses across the country.” He added that the decision had been made “in consultation with federal and local law enforcement officials.”

Zimmer announced that in addition to closing its main Hyde Park campus, the university “will have an increased police and security presence on and around campus, including police personnel with visible weapons and other additional measures.” We're waiting for Rick Santorum to complain that the whole thing smacks of elitism and then vanish from awareness again.

Students and nonmedical faculty were advised to stay away from campus, and students living in residence halls were told to remain inside their dorms and write Sonic the Hedgehog/Milton Friedman slash fiction, as they normally do during off hours. Medical faculty were apparently supposed to show up for work and serpentine through the parking lot. The university also cancelled events at other facilities Monday.

Yr Wonkette is anticipating a smug press release from University of Oregon libertarians insisting that none of this unpleasantness in Illinois would have happened if student government had paid for a campus party to give away free guns.

The occasional closing of top universities is simply one more benefit of the Second Amendment, extending students' holiday weekends and giving them more time to study; as of press time, Yr Wonkette is still waiting to hear from Ben Carson, who will no doubt complain that university officials acted prematurely and could just as well have advised students to bum rush any potential gunmen.

An anonymous source in the university's famous economics department told Wonkette that the campus closing was unwarranted government interference, noting that in a free market, students would rationally assess the risk of getting shot on campus and act accordingly. The source advised that the best way to deal with shooting threats was tax cuts for the wealthy.

[ NYT / Chicago Sun-Times ]