Oh hey, Donald Trump has a plan he thinks he can replicate to attack every American city where non-white people live and that didn’t vote for him? Ha, well tens of millions of us can play that game. Which ones of us? Whoever gets called for federal jury duty, in any jurisdiction where it’s necessary.
The hilarious news broke today that US Attorney Boxwine of Washington DC — previously Judge Boxwine — cannot even get a ham sandwich indicted. Everybody is making the exact same obvious joke, but that’s because it needs to be said, because we are talking about the Case Of The American Hero With The Sandwich, the incident caught on tape where a guy named Sean Dunn responded to Donald Trump’s terrorizing of Washington DC by hitting a goon fed thug in the face with a soft, delicious submarine sandwich. (The fed died, just kidding the fed immediately started waddle-chasing after the guy and a band of tubas started playing, it was a whole thing.)
DC US Attorney Jeanine Pirro, who is missing a two-for-one margs and apps special at Chili’s for this, tried to get a grand jury to give her an indictment in the case. There’s even a purported, alleged confession from the perfect angel who did it. “I did it. I threw a sandwich.”
And the grand jury in DC, without prompting, said “Sandwich? I don’t see a sandwich,” and fucked off on out of there as legends.
Kids! You can try this at home, wherever your home is! Any place there is even a whiff that the case they’re trying to get you to indict and/or convict is tainted by being part of the Trump Nazi regime’s 24/7 terrorist attack on the United States, just say no. They talk about being sand in fascism’s gears? How about grinding fascism to an absolute fucking halt.
Indict no one.
Convict no one.
No bill, motherfuckers.
The New York Times reminds us of the details of the case, especially how pathetic it was when Kash Patel’s and Pam Bondi’s feds swarmed the guy’s apartment to arrest him, like they had just found OJ Simpson and Osama bin Laden 69-ing in Fallujah. They also have a couple examples of ways prosecutors have embarrassed themselves lately in DC that didn’t involve grand juries. All the best people.
Will Boxwine try to indict Dunn again? Or will she turn the drive-by-sandwiching into a misdemeanor, so normal, nice people on grand juries don’t keep embarrassing her?
Important context before you answer: Literally this week, Boxwine filed misdemeanor charges against Sidney Lori Reid, after a grand jury THREE TIMES LIKE BIBLE PETER DENIED JESUS told her to eat their grandly judicial ass when she asked for an indictment for “assaulting” a Trump goon. (Bull fucking shit.)
Will Boxwine become US Attorney “Misdemeanor” Boxwine like Missy Elliott, except not in a cool way, but instead because she is totally unable get a grand jury to let her prosecute anybody for a real crime, because she’s a fascist, a loser, and a hack?
Joyce White Vance wrote a piece on all this last night before the hilarious news about Dunn came out. She noted that, in response to what happened in the Reid case, Pirro said, “Sometimes a jury will buy it and sometimes they won’t. So be it, that’s the way the process works.” And then Joyce White Vance proceeded to clown on Pirro, because no that is not the way the process works, Fox News idiot judge who is now a US attorney.
As Vance — a grownup former US attorney who was good at her job — explains, it’s “exceedingly rare” for prosecutors not to get an indictment from a grand jury, because, in layman’s Wonkette terms here, all they have to show the grand jury here is that they are not absolutely full of shit in wanting to indict this person. “The prosecution need only persuade the grand jury that probable cause to proceed on the charges exists,” writes Vance.
And if they come back with “no bill,” as opposed to a “true bill”? Well — still in layman’s Wonkette terms here — it means you proooooobably a real idiot.
She laid out how flimsy the government’s case against Reid is, and concluded:
We talked previously about a grand jury in Los Angeles that declined to indict. Now, it’s spread to D.C. And grand juries are only the first layer of guardrails in the criminal justice system, where they are joined by trial juries, judges, and the appellate process.
You’ve heard the line—the one that says prosecutors can indict a ham sandwich, that it’s just that easy. Next stop in D.C., seeing whether they can indict a Subway sandwich. They should think twice after their experience in Ms. Reid’s case with bringing marginal prosecutions to please the president. That’s not justice.
Haha, that is true, a grand jury in Los Angeles also did this, refusing to indict anti-ICE protesters, and the idiot US Attorney out there, Bill Essayli, ooh he was GRRR BIG MAN STOMPY STOMPY FOOTSES MAD!
As California Democratic Rep. Ted Lieu explained about ham at the time:
And as Wonkette explained about bullshit at the time:
It’s spreading across the nation, in the specific order of cities Donald Trump attacks!
Funny how that works.
Hey Chicago, guess what? If you get a federal jury summons in the mail, you have a patriotic duty to go! (And Baltimore and Memphis and wherever else the Nazis show up.)
Ask not what your country can do for you, ask if you can point and laugh at Donald Trump’s idiot thug US attorneys and prosecutors and call them stupid and make them cry.
Fighting fascism just got fun again, y’all.
OPEN THREAD.
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Not all losers are fascists, but all fascists are losers.
Open Thread Chat Aug. 27. Some images require a closer look.
https://substack.com/chat/1783367/post/b3156ab2-f5f7-44fe-b1cf-969f5251d13b