Heavily Armed Officers Sub-Due DC Sandwich Thrower For Assault With Deli Weapon
Fuck you Pam and Judge Boxwine. Fuck you.
Everyone by now has seen the video of the brave law enforcement officer serving in Donald Trump’s ridiculous militarized takeover of Washington DC, who took the force of a thrown sandwich to the chest and, despite what must have been indescribable pain and probably watering eyes from the overpowering scent of stone-ground dijon mustard, nonetheless joined half a dozen of his colleagues in chasing down the perpetrator, thus making the streets of our nation’s capital safe from the menace of flying lunchmeat.
Now the alleged perpetrator stars in another video, a mess of propaganda from the White House aimed at discouraging anyone who might get any funny ideas about testing the functional limits of Kevlar against a forcefully hurled hoagie.
The perp was a guy named Sean Dunn, who turned out to be a paralegal in the criminal division of the Justice Department. The police took him to DC Superior Court after arresting him on Sunday, only to release him without charges. Then on Wednesday, the local US Attorney’s office issued a warrant for his arrest on a federal felony charge of “forcibly assaulting, resisting or impeding a federal officer.” And also for staining the cop's body armor with condiments, those won’t just wash right out, the poor guy might have to buy one of those OxiClean pens before his next laundry day.
The full video shows just how incensed Dunn was at the fascists in the minutes before he went all DEFCON-1 with a salami sandwich.
Dunn’s lawyer told The Washington Post that she spent Wednesday trying to negotiate his surrender, but no one at the US Attorney’s office seemed to know who was in charge of the case, and no one could ask DC’s USA Jeanine Pirro because she was probably passed out under her desk with an empty bottle of Ripple.
Also, Pirro’s office is down about 150 lawyers and investigators who either quit or were fired by her predecessor, Ed Martin, when he purged the office of anyone who wasn’t a MAGA drone, particularly anyone who worked on Jack Smith’s team or cases against January 6 rioters. That might also be why no one knew who Dunn’s lawyer should talk to.
RELEVANT!
So instead, the government sent a team of heavily armed and armored US Marshals, FBI agents, DC Metropolitan Police officers, and who knows who else (those are just the identifiers we spotted) to arrest Dunn at his home on Wednesday night.
This was all dumb enough. But even dumber was the White House releasing a video of the operation, scored to sound like a scene in an Alien movie in which murderous xenomorphs have escaped containment on a spaceship, complete with the title of “Nighttime Routine: Operation Make D.C. Safe Again Edition.”
The link to the stupid White House tweet is here if you want it, but we’re going to post a copy from BlueSky so you can all save yourselves from giving Elon Musk any traffic:
Hooray, the streets of our capital city are being made safe from preppy white guys who are ripshit furious at the MAGAfied government’s cosplaying as a fascist police state striking back against criminals, instead of what it really is, which is a government full of hallucinating idiots who think they are living in 1972 Saigon.
High-level administration officials gloated like they had just found Hitler in Argentina and extradited him to face war crimes charges. Judge Jeanine Pirro, in the midst of (it looks like?) painting her house, posted a video in which she said that Dunn thought he was being funny but doesn’t anymore because he’s been charged with a felony. She added smugly, “So there! Stick your subway sandwich somewhere else!”
Attorney General Pam Bondi’s comment on the situation was even dumber:
“If you touch any law enforcement officer, we will come after you,” Bondi posted on X Thursday. “This is an example of the Deep State we have been up against for seven months as we work to refocus DOJ.”
Ha ha, yes, the Deep State, having spent decades burrowing into the government and amassing enough power to thwart Donald Trump’s agenda, blew its cover by having a coffee boy assault a cop with a Subway foot-long. Way to go, Pam, you have cracked the case wide open.
Joking aside for at least a few seconds, the MAGA folks seem to think that Trump and his people are showing indomitable strength. (Check out the responses to the White House’s tweet for some examples, or don’t.) We would argue that making this video shows incredible weakness. Sending 20 cops heavily armed with helmets and riot shields to arrest a paralegal because he threw a sandwich at one of you does not read as you being no-nonsense authorities. It reads as the pathetic grasping of people desperate to convince themselves and the rest of the world that they are restoring law and order to a city that did not have a crime problem, or at least didn’t have one anywhere near the magnitude that you have alleged.
The videos and stories emerging from DC are utterly enraging. Here is one of a Park Police officer pulling a baton and charging threateningly at a guy who was filming an arrest, which he has the constitutional right (and at this point, duty) to do.
Here’s one of eight or so cops jumping on and subduing a Black man who was also filming them. You can see one cop suddenly turn and go after the guy seemingly unprovoked.
Here’s one of some cops hassling some guys for the crime of smoking cigarettes while sitting on a porch. They seem very unimpressed by one cop’s assertion that Donald Trump has sent them out to stop all violent crime in seven days.
Meanwhile, we associate ourselves with this comment:
Even if you do not own any pink polo shirts — or even pink guayaberas — and live in Washington DC, this is a good sentiment to keep in mind.
Your donations may one day go towards bailing us out of jail for aggravated assault with bread, so thank you in advance.
Pink Polo Shirt,
I'm gonna throw a sandwich in my
Pink Polo Shirt
Surprisingly, the charges would have been even harsher if he'd thrown a 6-inch sub instead of a footlong, because the smaller sub is concealable.