Utah's Official Bathroom Monitor *PIIIISSSSSED* Lege Put Him In Charge Of All The Trans Pissing.

In Utah it can be hard to tell.

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Have you lately been wandering your nicely appointed home, then stopped in your tracks and suddenly prayed, “Why, God? Why can I not see more transphobic Republicans stabbing each other in the face over their own stupidity?” Then we guess you’re the one to thank for the blessings which have been bestowed upon us in [checks notes] Utah! Blessed be Moroni and peace be upon his feathery appendages.

This is the story of a state legislator filling her laws with every anti-trans effort she can think of, a state auditor making video recordings from inside a bathroom, and an anti-trans snitch line. And it is brilliant; you will never see coming the shocking twist near the end!

Not too long back, using one weird trick drafter Rep. Kera Birkeland calls “Sex-based Designations for Privacy, Anti-bullying and Women’s Opportunities,” the Utah state Lege

[changed] the legal definitions of “female” and “male” to categorize Utahns by the reproductive organs of their birth, and restricts which bathrooms and locker rooms trans people can use in government-owned buildings.

Oh HB 257. You’re terrible.

The crazy thing about being a crazy Republican is that you really don’t trust other Republicans to be anti-trans enough. I mean, seriously, how can you? R.G. & G.R. Harris Funeral Homes Inc. v. Equal Employment Opportunity, amirite? So to be super-sure that no government bathrooms were waving trans people in when the Legislature wasn’t looking, HB 257 required the Office of the State Auditor (presently one John Dougall) to create a snitch line, where anyone from anywhere could submit their horror story of maybe noticing someone who suspiciously didn’t put on mascara that day using the bathroom anyway, to the terrible discomfort of completely normal women who regularly check other women for signs of masculinity. The Auditor then had the job of investigating state agencies and local governments responsible for such naughty bathrooms and finding out why the locals weren’t being more cissexist. For the protection of all women, of course.

Now anyone familiar with as many internet traditions as you, dear Wonketteers, will find it easy to guess what happened next. The snitch line was filled, and we mean FILLED, with the most asinine and inane submissions ever shoved into a government in-box. Memes, the entire script of The Bee Movie, insults, song lyrics — people sent in anything and everything that would appropriately reward the Utah state government for its interest in where people pee.

This had several immediate effects. First, I laughed until I required the services of a Utah local government’s bathroom, then poor Auditor Dougall got all mad and took to Twitter. Ginning up a statement so strong it brought Peggy Noonan running, he twitted his official dismay to the world:

Recently, the Utah Legislature rushed to pass HB 257 (Sex-Based Designation for Privacy, Anti-Bullying, and Women’s Opportunities), codified at Utah Code Section 63G-31 (Statute). Among other things, the Statute requires the Office of the State Auditor (Office) to “establish a process to receive and investigate alleged violations of [the Statute] by a government entity.” On May 1, in compliance with this statutory mandate, the Office launched an online complaint form, similar to its traditional online hotline reporting form. This form allows members of the public to report alleged violations of the Statute by government entities. Perhaps unsurprisingly given the Statute’s controversial topic and the hurried nature of its passage, many members of the public misunderstood the obligations of this Office. As such, the Office has received a significant number of frivolous complaints and not a single legitimate complaint.

For those following along HB 257 was “rushed” and “misunderstood” and Dougall was encountering “frivolity.” Now we all know that frivolity is severely discouraged in Utah, so he was not going to let this stand, man.

[T]he Office created the complaint form to comply with a statutory mandate – a role we did not request. Indeed, no auditor sets out to become a bathroom monitor.

… but y’are, Blanche, y’are!

Unfortunately, neither Rep. Birkeland, nor any other legislator consulted with this Office regarding this newly mandated obligation placed on the Office under this bill.

LOL. Dougall thinks that Utah Republicans seek out facts and consult with effective parties before passing laws. Seems like he perhaps got everything he knows about politics from an abstinence only curriculum.

I recognize that many Utahns feel trampled by an invasive and overly aggressive Legislature that too often fails to seek input from those most affected.

Wait, what? Is that a sane Republican criticizing other Republicans for failing to do representative democracy? Color us surprised.

Constituents unhappy with this Statute will not effect change by misdirecting their anger toward the Office and its dedicated employees. The Legislature crafted these public policies, and only the Legislature can revise them. Concerned citizens should directly contact the bill sponsor, Rep. Birkeland, and other legislators at le.utah.gov

Whoa, WHAT ALSO, TOO? Did Dougall just ask 7 billion internet trolls to fight the real enemy and send their song lyrics and satirical questions about government officials’ ding-a-lings to the Lege? I just think he did. And that bit about the Lege not seeking input from those most affected? That could almost have come from a Democrat.

Birkeland was not going to take this besmirch statement lying down! She released her own statement, saying in part:

“By the way, auditing governmental entities and complaints against them is the responsibility of the state auditor’s office.”

Meow, Auditor Dougall! What job did you think you were signing up for anyway? Four thousand bogus complaints in the first 72 hours sounds about perfect, don’t you think? After some more back and forth, including a nice dig from Birkeland that Dougall doesn’t value protecting women, Dougall made a bathroom monitor video. We here at yr Wonkette did not know that Republicans could troll other Republicans this hard:

John Dougall, playing bathroom monitor. To watch the video, you’ll have to click this link because Elon Musk is a dingus.

Honestly, Dougall comes out of all this looking like a guy with an actual sense of humor who is on the right side of history. If you didn’t know he’s an elected Republican in Utah, you might even start to like the guy. Of course we do not trust Mr. Dougall any farther than we can throw the Wasatch Mountains, but hearing an actual Republican saying things like, “The job of the auditor is to speak truth to power,” and that he’s trying to “[call] out MAGA antics,” is more than a little refreshing. It even makes us dream of a day when cis folks in Utah listen to each other about how gender policing works, and whom it hurts. In the meantime, Dougall is running for the Republican nomination for Utah’s Third Congressional District and based on what we’ve seen so far, we’re ready to say that if you’re a white, Republican Mormon voting in the Third District primary, you should probably vote for Dougall before turning on him and voting for an actual Democrat in November.

SHOCK TWIST! But we are broad-minded and happy to see a sane Republican win an occasional primary against the loons, provided they’re never actually seated in Congress.

As for the snitch form, it’s gone down completely as of Sunday or Monday. Reportedly there were 12,000 complaints in the brief time it was online. Of those, Dougall’s office has found 400 that were not immediately and obviously bogus, that were being further checked out by staff. But before that 400 they had already tried to verify some of the less-obviously fake submissions, and none of them checked out.

That’s not the end of the entertainment, though! The Office of the State Auditor has been slowly trickling out more and more examples of the bogus submissions, with no sign of stopping, in what seems to yr Wonkette to be a desire to keep the pressure on Birkeland and the Lege to end the anti-trans snitch line entirely — as has happened in states such as Indiana, Virginia, and Missouri. We wish him and the entire cast of The Bee Movie much luck with their efforts.

All the Utah bans seem to work out well, yr Wonkette notices:

Utah School Board Bigot Makes Clear: Coming For The Trans Kids Means They're Coming For *You*

Hero Utah Parent Bans Bible. For The Children!

The end.