VINDICATED! Donald Trump Jr. Didn't Do ANY Crimes That One Time! (Perhaps! Allegedly! MAYBE.)
Actually his face is a crime, which means as long as he insists on having it, he's doing crimes.
One of the lingering questions about the infamous Trump Tower Treason Meeting on June 9, 2016, where Donald Trump Jr. hosted the entire population of the Russian Federation and begged them all to give him golden showers full of #HillarySecrets, has to do with a couple of phone calls Dipshit Junior made while he was planning the meeting with his Russian oligarch friends Emin and Aras Agalarov. They were to a blocked number! Daddy Trump has a blocked number! Did Junior call Daddy and tell him about how a hostile foreign power called Russia is going to help the Trump campaign and hurt Hillary Clinton? Or did he tell his dad about the meeting beforehand, but in a different way? (Literally nobody believes he didn't tell his dad. Not even Steve Bannon. )
Well, a couple of news organizations have a scoop, and if it's true, then Junior didn't call his dad on a blocked number at those particular times, which means VINDICATED and NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION. Or maybe it doesn't mean anything like that at all.
Hey Junior, Tell Us About Your Phone Friends!
CNN originally broke the news that "Senate investigators" had found that the phone calls weren't to Daddy, but to two "business associates." ABC News and the New York Times later reported that the calls were to longtime Trump family friends Howard Lorber, a real estate dude with some serious fuckin' Russian ties, and to Brian France, the CEO of NASCAR.
Brian France is a longtime Trump supporter, and we have no fucking clue why Junior might have called him that day. Maybe Junior just had a thought about a race car and had to call France to say "le ZHOOM!!!!" Howard Lorber is interesting, though:
Lorber is a longtime friend of the elder Trump, and the two went to Moscow in 1996 to scout for a real estate deal that never materialized, according to people familiar with the visit. The trip helped spur Trump's interest in seeking other ways over the years to build a tower in Moscow.
Oh HUH. So Lorber was in on an early version of the MANY MANY MANY Trump Moscow projects that failed. (More on that failed effort here. ) Wonder if the Trumps might have tried to loop him in on yet another failed Trump Moscow project, the one that was being discussed throughout the 2016 campaign, which Michael Cohen lied to Congress about and Trump repeatedly lied to the American people about?
For the record, ABC News reports that Lorber says he doesn't even remember talking to Dipshit Junior in the summer of 2016, and says he definitely didn't have any NO RUSSIA, NO RUSSIA, YOU ARE THE RUSSIA conversations with Dipshit Junior.
Does This Mean Daddy Trump Didn't Know About The Meeting EVER?
LOL you go fuck off with that dumb question right now!
It's possible that during those very specific minutes of Junior's life, he wasn't calling Daddy on a blocked number to give Daddy criminal exposure about the treason Junior was about to do. It's possible he gave Daddy criminal exposure in a different way entirely! For instance, he might have GONE UPSTAIRS IN THE BUILDING THEY WERE BOTH INSIDE AT THE TIME, and rolled around on the floor of his dad's office and put his underpants on his head and said "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" and when his dad finally acknowledged the firstborn son he doesn't love, Junior might have shouted "TREASON!" and told him all about the meeting he was going to have. (It's good to remember that Junior has repeatedly told Congress that he never told his dad about the meeting. And Donald Trump told Robert Mueller in his take-home test that he didn't find out about the meeting beforehand. Strange, then, that Trump spent the week leading up to the Trump Tower Meeting trumpeting a huge speech about Hillary's crimes that he was about to give, a speech he mysteriously never gave.)
But yeah, sure, maybe Junior didn't do that particular crime at that particular time .
Regardless, if Junior had the same face he's always had while he was calling those guys on the phone, he is still guilty of crime, which is his face.
Does Wonkette Ever Miss An Opportunity To Make Fun Of Junior's Face?
Donald Trump Jr.'s FACE never misses an opportunity to make fun of Donald Trump Jr.'s face.
Remind Us About Junior's Treason Crime Meeting With The Russians, To Put This In Context!
In setting up the meeting, Junior responded to emails from British music promoter Rob Goldstone, under the subject line "Russia - Clinton - private and confidential." Goldstone was acting as a go-between for Russian oligarch Aras Agalarov, AKA "Putin's builder," and his dunderheaded son Emin Agalarov, who is a mediocre warbler of pop songs no one has ever heard. The Agalarovs threw the Moscow Miss Universe 2013 pageant with Trump, and they partnered on the first failed attempt to build a YOOGE beautiful Trump Tower in Moscow. That project went to hell because of President Obama's sanctions on Russia over its illegal invasion of Crimea.
The emails from Goldstone said the offers of sweet Hillary dirt were part of "Russia and its government's support for Mr. Trump -- helped along by Aras and Emin," and Junior was so excited about the prospect he left snail trails of jizz all over the gold sconces in Trump Tower, saying that "if it's what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer!" The Russians sent a lady lawyer named Natalia Veselnitskaya, who turns out to be just as affiliated with the Kremlin as Goldstone said she was, along with a fuckton of other Russians, to meet with Junior in Trump Tower that fateful day. It's important to remember here that Veselnitskaya's entire life's work seems to be about getting sanctions on Russia lifted, most specifically Magnitsky Act sanctions.
When Junior testified for the Senate Judiciary Committee, he repeatedly and consistently said he does not recall who he called while he was doing the crime of planning to accept Russian campaign help directly into his mouth like spoonfuls of borscht. And throughout, the cover story for the meeting itself, concocted by Junior and by his dad (and maybe Putin ), has been that the Russians just wanted to talk about letting Americans adopt BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES, which is code for sanctions relief. Junior has always insisted that the Trump Tower Meeting ended up being a total boner, but we've always suspected it was not a total boner . At least not a bad boner. (Marcy Wheeler has a couple good roundups of the things that came after that meeting here and here, including evidence of our not a boner suspicions.)
The meeting, of course, was also attended by Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner, who have just a couple weird-ass Russian ties themselves. Manafort was sharing secret campaign data with Russian spies and doing God Knows What Else, and during the transition Jared Kushner was meeting with the heads of sanctioned Russian banks and trying to get the Russian ambassador to set up secret back channels with Russia. (We are probably supposed to believe that Junior didn't tell Daddy about the meeting, and Manafort and Jared didn't either .) Also during the transition, that oligarch Aras Agalarov was trying to jump-start talks with the Trump people about lifting sanctions again , and was apparently having a hard time doing that. Weird, then, that Junior reportedly told those Russians back in June 2016 that he really couldn't help them unless Daddy got into office. Oh look what happened!
We lay this out to remind everyone that none of these facts have changed. We just know that maybe Junior didn't call his dad on a blocked number at those specific times.
Back Up, Wonkette! Is The Call To That Howard Lorber Dude Setting Off Any Alarm Bells For You?
Maybe sorta! It's mainly interesting in that, as we mentioned above, conversations about the Trump Organization's latest failed attempt to build a Trump Tower in Moscow were ongoing much longer than Trump previously said, were apparently happening at the same time as the Trump Tower Meeting, and Michael Cohen had all the principals ( i.e. TRUMP AND HIS KIDS) looped in on the entire process. And we know that the major thing that always stopped Trump from being able to achieve that Trump Tower Moscow dream -- and get it financed, because remember how no legit American bank will touch the Trumps, so it would likely have gone through a Russian bank, probably VTB bank -- was those blasted SANCTIONS!
Whether the call to Lorber had anything to do with the treason meeting at Trump Tower -- which was about SANCTIONS! -- or whether it was related to a whole different project, one that may have also been a quid pro quo with Russia to get sanctions lifted in exchange for Russia electing Trump president, we just don't know. Hell, as a longtime family friend, the call to Lorber could have been something completely innocent, just a How's It Hangin' call from one idiot to another. Maybe Junior called to brag to Lorber and the NASCAR guy, "I AM TREASONING RIGHT NOW FOR DADDY!" Maybe Junior poo-pooed in the potty and needed to tell somebody.
It's worth investigating further, is our point. Of course, we're pretty sure Robert Mueller already has been investigating it.
Declare Victory, Dipshits!
Junior thinks he's just been judged innocent in a court of law, because he is a very stupid boy. Also he's pretty sure he just OWNED THE LIBS:
More of the Democrat’s #fakenews narrative disappearing before their eyes. I wonder how many more false leaks will… https: //t.co/M4UO1rQ2Ny
— Donald Trump Jr. (@Donald Trump Jr.) 1548972374.0
And Daddy got on Twitter to declare victory, too, except he didn't really help, because he sorta threw his son under the bus by swearing again that he wasn't involved in his son's totally innocent light treason, and by pretending his longtime friends Brian France and Howard Lorber are merely "friends & business associates of Don." Really sad!
Just out: The big deal, very mysterious Don jr telephone calls, after the innocent Trump Tower meeting, that the me… https://t.co/gImtUwIBh3
— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1548990236.0
Cool story, President Russian Agent.
You know, we still don't have the whole story. The question of Junior's phone calls to blocked numbers has always been an interesting line of inquiry, but if these reports are true, the only thing about the story that changes is that we don't have a smoking gun of Diaper Don pissing himself in glee while he tells his daddy on the telephone that he's going to do some big boy treason.
All the rest of the facts still stand about the Russian meeting that Junior enthusiastically accepted, which promised illegal dirt from a hostile foreign power on his dad's opponent. And a fuckton of questions still remain.
When Robert Mueller comes a callin', we still think Diaper Don will piss himself, because consider who we're talking about, but it won't be because he's proud of himself.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. Click below to give us ALL YOUR MONEY, or at least what you can afford!