Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Not Cowering Under Bed After Drone Attack Like American Weenie

Russian president is brave like bear, not weak like opposite of bear.

Greetings, decadent fatty suckling pigs of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and I am not making speaking to you from under my bed after Ukraine Nazis flew drone into Kremlin in desperate assassination attempt. Do not put on Internet that I am under bed! Glorious Russian security services have surplus 56k modems from Circuit City liquidation sale, entire trainloads of nerve agent, and burning itch to use both, da? 

You perhaps saw footage on your CNN? Drone flies into Kremlin, there is explosion, and Vladimir Putin definitely does not scream in terror and dive under bed and refuse to come out until witch from Avengers movies makes giant force field over all of Moscow. In fact, he barely noticed giant fireball, so busy was he winning special military operation in Ukraine.

Wonkette, you will call President Zelenskyy of phony Ukraine nation and you will tell him, “You missed, sucker! Send all your drones to Russia, nothing can kill Vladimir Putin! So don’t even try it! I mean it! Why are you calling your military commanders? Put down that radio, you raging Nazi sociopath!”

Ah, please excuse Vladimir losing temper, Wonkette. I cannot lie to you, it is very difficult time here in Mother Russia. You perhaps have heard of Yevgeny Prigozhin? Prigozhin has been very useful over years. He founded Wagner Group and recruits prisoners to turn into cannon fodder … er, glorious fighting soldiers for the Motherland in special military operation in Ukraine. He helped Donald Trump win your 2016 election with “information warfare,” mostly by infiltrating mommy groups on Facebook to explain how Hillary Clinton would steal children and eat their faces.

Was very inspired! Very good job for someone who mostly used to run Kremlin cafeteria . His okroshka best in Russia because he has secret method for boiling potatoes. Delicious!

But now Prigozhin is very angry with Vladimir . He has been making videos yelling that Russian military is not providing him with enough ammunition to capture fake Ukrainian city of Bakhmut after months and months. I tell him, Yevgeny Viktorovich, you do not need shells and bullets. You just need to tell Wagner soldiers to run directly at Ukrainian positions while screaming “Glory to Stalin!” Like in old days of Great Patriotic War! It may take millions of soldiers, but eventually Nazis give up and by Victory Day we will be eating your okroshka in Kiev. Now go, and make victory!

But no! He just makes more videos of the yelling and the threatening to retreat. Is bad look. Especially on Victory Day.

Speak of, did you see magnificent Victory Day parades across nation, when Russians celebrate singlehandedly defeating Hitler and his Wehrmacht? Was kind of big deal back in day! Now on Victory Day, ranks of brave Russian soldiers march and drive tanks through city while singing patriotic songs about great and fearless and indestructible homeland.

Many of your imperialist leaders say this year was bad celebration because Moscow parade had only one tank , and it was old T-34 from Great Patriotic War. Is true, the vast majority of Russian tanks are busy serving as burned-out monuments to imperialist hubris all over Ukraine … Excuse please, as future jungle gyms for generations of Russian children to play on after majestic victory. As you know, Vladimir loves to plan ahead.

So Moscow parade had only old T-34. Which was great! Vintage, like Russian imperialism, is very – how say it – in right now. And look at how well tank function! It was built back in day when world knew how to build things that lasted. Now everything wears out in a year or explodes when struck by one measly tandem-charge HEAT warhead.

At least Vladimir can still send people to gulag for years for expressing opposition to special military operation. Last week schoolteacher was sentenced to five and half years in prison for making ill speaking of Vladimir on social media and old woman convicted of leaving mean note on Vladimir’s parents’ grave. Which was silly. Parents are dead, they cannot read notes.

I tell good friend Donald Trump, you need laws like this in United States. Imagine how many people you could imprison for speaking ill of you on social media or telling your dead parents they raised psychopath. Would solve many problems! CNN town hall would have been most watched show in American history. Bigger even than “M*A*S*H” finale! Ratings are easy when your people are afraid you will kill them for not watching.

Good friend Donald Trump was very receptive to this idea. I promise him he will win election, then he will arrest everyone, then we will make the laughing. Will be good time!

Ah, derelict coitus goblins of Wonkette, is good to talk, no? Perhaps you will consider moving to village we are building near Moscow for expat Americans who are tired of living under oppressive boot heel of Joe Biden’s America, with its wokeness and its 70 genders. Is far too many genders! You would need almost three American alphabets to cover initials for all of them. Why would you not want to live in Mother Russia? We have only two genders, and there is no confusion about bathrooms. Use wrong bathroom and we shoot you. Is simple rule.

 Mater' Bozh'ya! Another drone! Bring it on! Vladimir is invincible. He is strong, he is virile, he can sexually satisfy dozens of beautiful women all at once. Nothing can kill Vladimir! Except maybe germs . And undercooked lynx meat. And open windows .

Germs, lynx meat and open windows. You will say nothing, Wonkette! Phony nation of Ukraine is not only one with exploding drones and unquenchable bloodthirst.

[ CNN / CNN / NBC / Moscow Times ]

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