Vogon Poetry To Dominate Trump Inauguration. You Have Been Warned

Maybe not quite that empty. Just about, though.

As we mentioned yesterday, the Trump Inaugural folks may be getting a tad worried about the turnout they're going to have for the inauguration of the least-popular president-elect in modern history, at least since polling has been around. While we remain skeptical that the Trumpers are actually resorting to paying people to show up, they sure are promoting the ever-loving hell out of the inaugural, so as to let people know how easy and FREE it'll be to show up and cheer for the Great-Making Machine. Consider this example from the Facebooks:  

You're over 27 and able to commute? Hurry on down before the good spots are all taken! Besides, Trump isn't really the least-liked new president: The polls are being deliberately skewed just to make him look bad!

The attendance for this inauguration is going to set records! Just like Trump's enormous landslide win did! He was among the top fifty electoral college wins, after all. Not to mention the HUGE numbers of people streaming into Washington (to protest):

You just keep believing that, Donnie. And pretend all the buses full of protesters are really chanting "Booo-Trump!" Maybe you can also find some way to explain why your phenomenal popularity is the real reason that ticket scalpers are losing their ticket scalper shirts trying to unload the premium seats they snapped up:

Yossi Rosenberg, 36, of upper Manhattan, told the Daily News he bought a pair of tickets to Friday's Washington, D.C. event from a woman in Westchester County for $700, thinking he could flip them for at least twice as much.

But nobody's biting.

"Nobody wants to buy them," Rosenberg told The News. "It looks like I'm stuck with them, I might even have to go."

Good god, man, there's taking a loss, and then there's just plain punishing yourself.

Rosenberg says he bought the tix on Craigslist from a "Second Amendment Activist," then tried to turn them around, both on Facebook and Craigslist, but there was no interest. Then, getting a little desperate, he tried some white supremacist websites, such as the Daily Stormer, but again was unable to drum up any interest. Sad! Weak! Actually, he should have known the neo-Nazis would all just go for the free seats anyway, because their money is going into weapons, ammo, and regalia for the coming Racial Holy War, duh.

Eventually, Rosenberg pinned them to the bulletin board in his office, where at least someone noticed 'em:

"Someone offered me $200 for the pair," he said, well below what he was looking for. "I guess his approval ratings aren't that high, right?"

Why, no. No they are not. Mr. Rosenberg may want to hold on to those tickets a little while longer, however, as the Independent reports the Trump Inaugural may finally have found an attraction people will turn out to see: A perfectly horrible new Vogon poem written to "pay tribute to his Scottish ancestry," which may well come to be seen as the Plan 9 From Outer Space of inaugural poetry. Robyn will be along shortly with a close reading, but sweet merciful Crom on a Segway, it's bad. Like, we thought maybe Trump had hired Mike Myers to come onstage and say "If it's nae Scottish, it's CRAP!" But this very special commemorative poem, perpetrated by "celebrated American poet Joseph Charles McKenzie of the Society of Classical Poets," is...something. We're not so sure about "celebrated" -- the first Google hit for him is wingnut blog "American Thinker"; subsequent hits suggest he's an anti-Vatican II Catholic writer. And his Extra Special Poetry Homepage makes it pretty clear that his latest "project" apart from the inaugural poem is self-published, because "A century of modernism has destroyed publishers’ ability to recognize, much less market, traditional lyric verse." As far as we can tell, the wingnut Catholic and the bad poet are the same guy. Anyway, to keep you busy until Robyn's Hot Take (which is up now, YAY!) here are the first two stanzas:

 "Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud, 

 The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod! 

 With purpose and strength he came down from his tower 

 To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power. 

 Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:  

 “Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!” 

 When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains 

 And voices are silenced as misery reigns, 

 We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true 

 Whose virtues are solid and long overdue. 

For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd

 Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod! 

Tonstant Weader fwowed up her haggis. Oh, and it gets worse. Much worse. Somehow this gormless bunglecunt manages to take ersatz Robert Burns and apply it to political correctness, the economic bailout, the plight of the "black man forgotten, in poverty dying" -- no doubt in ghettos where you can't walk down the street without getting shot -- and even, yes, the crisis of "hapless old harridans flapping their traps / [who] Teach women to look and behave like us chaps."

Suck on THAT, Maya Angelou! 

Forget what we said earlier about only showing up for the protests. People need to show up in huge numbers for this. And godspeed to whoever has the rotting vegetables concession.

Update: HuffPo says the poem is a big ol' fakey-fake, or at least that it's not an official inaugural poem. Whether the perpetrator is truly a bad writer or a brilliant troll/con artist remains to be seen. See longer update at end of the Poetry Contest Post. 

[ New York / Marinarachael on Twitter / NYDN / The Independent ]