Wall Street's Newest Tool: Eric Cantor

Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. Are we right, Wall Street Journal? 

Eric Cantor plans to join boutique investment bank Moelis & Co., as the recently defeated House majority leader embarks on a new career on Wall Street.

Well, no reason he can’t multitask.

Is your memory full of holes because of the booze and the getting high, and you don’t remember Eric Cantor? He was, until very recently, the GOP Majority Leader, one step below Orangetastic Speaker John Boehner. Then he got his ass handed to him by a nobody teabagger (David Brat) in his GOP primary. After this humiliation (which still makes our dark hearts smile), Cantor decided to just fuck it all and leave Congress , not even loving America or the Constitution enough to finish out his term, because whiny-ass loser titty-baby.

Much speculation gripped the politicos and journalists, wondering what Cantor would do next. Perhaps he would use his name recognition and prestige and support a noble cause, such as building houses for poor people like Jimmy Carter, or starting a kick-ass foundation like Slick Willy. We know he loves Merica because he voted for lots of wars, and he wears a flag pin.

But we should have guessed that Cantor would CA$$$$H THE FUCK IN. Screw all you suckers on Main Street -- Cantor is seeking this opportunity to GET HIS on Wall Street, Gordon Gekko style.

Cantor will be a vice chairman (of assholery?) and a member of the board. Why hire Cantor?

Mr. Moelis [Founder of Moelis & Co.] said he is hiring Mr. Cantor for his "judgment and experience" and ability to open doors -- and not just for help navigating regulatory and political waters in Washington. Still, expertise in such matters is likely to be valuable given how heavily they can weigh on the minds of corporate executives contemplating deals.

It’s for his smarts, not his political connections! Because if it were for political connections, then why would Cantor go all the way to New York? Hahaha, silly reader.

Mr. Cantor, who will continue to live in Virginia, will open a new office for the firm in Washington, in addition to having an office at the company's headquarters in New York City.

Even though the Republicans hate Washington SO HARD, Cantor will open up an office in DC. But not so that he can be close to his old colleagues and lobby-not-lobby them. Of course not! Don’t be so cynical, that is ridiculous and not remotely possible, no sir, not at all. It’s so he can slink out to Reagan Airport on lonely nights and dry-hump the life-sized statue of Ronald Reagan.

And after scraping by on a congresscritter’s salary , Cantor will now make a cool $3.4 million or so . Plus, he won’t have to put up with bitchy constituents who don’t want him to cut food stamps because they like to “eat.” Now he can deal with bitchy clients who want to make sure that they can get a tax break for both of their yachts, even if one of them is registered under a shell company in the Cayman Islands. Way to make the world a better place, Eric!

So we wish Cantor all the best in his new career, and hope he too can avoid jail timeifwhen Wall Street causes another economic collapse. Until then, we hope he does not choke on the bag of extra-salted rat dicks we sent him.

[ Wall Street Journal / Politico ]