Want To Watch Colin Allred Give Ted Cruz A Spanking? Yes, You Do!
SupplyClosetCruz is trending.
Have you been waiting for years to watch someone hand election-denying, poodle-abandoning smirker Ted Cruz his whole hairy ass? Well, Christmas has come early, because it’s Ted’s nuts roasting on an open fire! His debate against Democrat Rep. Colin Allred went so stinkingly that hashtag SupplyClosetTed is trending number two on Twitter, uh oh!
Cancun Cruz had one job in last night’s debate, to rebrand himself as “not weird” and “not a complete dickhead” to bring in moderate voters and fence-sitters, and stop himself from sinking in the polls like a Rio Grande gator. His Senate seat should be among the safest in deep red Texas. But a leaked internal GOP memo shows he’s in some real danger, hanging on by only a single point, 48/47, and Allred has been out-raising him. But “acting like a normal person” is simply not in his wheelhouse.
Cruz smirked, inappropriately chuckled, dodged abortion questions, yelled, and tantrumed when his time was up. He trotted out his usual culture-warrior bullshit, like that Democrats love Islamic terrorists, want ninth-month abortions and to make boys use the girls’ room and play girls’ sports, have trans flags flapping on military bases above the American flag, spend tax dollars on drag shows, and force Hulu to only show the Looney Tunes cartoons where Bugs Bunny dresses up like a girl bunny and tries to seduce Elmer Fudd (we made the last one up). No wonder Texas state Attorney General Ken Paxton is suppressing votes as hard as he can.
Here’s the whole debate below, or just check out the juiciest clips further down, because the side effects of an hour of Ted Cruz’s face may include headache, bruxism, and crow’s feet. How Texans ever embraced a Canadian carpetbagger who graduated from clown college (Princeton) in the first place, we will never understand.
Moderators Jason Whitely and Gromer Jeffers Jr. did not come to fuck around, and got right into how Texas abortion laws have no exceptions for rape or incest. Cruz used to agree with those exceptions, so what the hell happened? As the actual answer is disgusting, involving preferring women die rather than lose his kill-em-all-and-let-God-sort-em-out Christofascist base, Cruz would not give it. Instead he blahblahed about how letting women bleed out in parking lots is an issue should be left up to the states, and that Democrats want abortions at nine months and for taxpayers to pay for it, and huffed, geez, “Jason, I’m curious, why do you keep asking me that?!”
LOL, the sped-up version.
Watch Cruz laugh and then smirk while Allred gives his answer. That Chuckles Cruz, charming all the Lone Star ladies from Amarillo to Zapata.
Is it reasonable for 26,000 Texas women to be forced to have a rapist’s baby? Is it pro-life that maternal mortality has skyrocketed? YOU ARE NOT PRO-LIFE, TED CRUZ!
When asked about pardoning January 6 rioters, Cruz sang “Black Lives Matter burned down the cities, Democrats defund the police” to the tune of “Suwannee River,” which gave Allred the opportunity to segue into how after Cruz objected to certifying the votes from Arizona Congress was beset by a gassy mob. Allred used his giant linebacker hands to text his pregnant wife that he loved her, then whipped off his sportcoat to defend the Capitol from marauding cretins while Cruz’s candy ass scurried off to hide in a supply closet. Why the fuck is Ted Cruz laughing?! IT’S NOT FUNNY.
Christ, what a creep.
Allred dragged Cruz on not voting to cap the cost of insulin and taking Big Pharma donations while lounging at the Ritz Carlton Cancun, with 30,000 Texans freezing in the dark. We personally would have thrown in the part where he also left his dog Snowflake behind and blamed the whole trip on his kids, because we don’t have Allred’s kind of message discipline. Cruz has had 12 years to fix the immigration problem he’s bitching about, so why didn’t he? He “treats our border communities like he's going on some sort of safari. […] He tries to look tough, then goes back to Washington and does nothing to help.” Yowch! Why didn’t Cruz vote for the Child Tax Credit? And Allred whipped out the most grievous of Texas insults, “all hat and no cattle.” Howdy-do, Lash LaRue!
Allred saved his zippiest zingers for the end. “He has introduced this new kind of ‘angertaiment’ where you just get people upset and then you podcast about it, and you write a book about it, and you make some money on it, but you’re not actually there when people need you. Like when the lights went out, when 30 million Texans were relying on a senator to spring into action, he went to Cancun. That’s who he is.”
True, he is that, but also so much more! A sniveling coward who licked Trump’s feet after Trump implied his wife was ugly and trampy, and that his dad shot JFK! A sexually repulsive creep with a windowless-van voice and a bad case of backpfeifengesicht who yelled that liberal women are unhappy and pissed off because they have to sleep with liberal men.
Even former Speaker of the House John Boehner, who hung out with Lindsay Graham and Paul Ryan and has a strong stomach for creeps, called him “Lucifer in the flesh” and “a miserable son of a bitch.” Then there was the time he mocked Joe Biden the night before his son’s funeral. And then there was the whole “trying to overthrow the government” thing. We could go on, but we’d be here all day!
Wouldn’t it be oh so nice to see him lose? The more he opens his mouth and gets out there in his terrible suit, the more possible it seems! Fingers crossed!
"When Ted Cruz says he's 'pro-life', he doesn't mean yours."
mic dropped so hard it left a crater in the floor
Allred does look weirdly linebackery, but I'm not going to hold that against anyone working to unseat Cruz.