Was Hillary Too Busy Covering Up State Department's Crackhead Pedobears To Stop Benghazi???

We are trying to read this CNN article about IMPEACH HILLARY’S BENGHINA!!!1! and it is just not making any sense to us. Here’s what we’ve got so far: There’s an as-yet unnamed whistle-blower (non-fame-whore variety, maybe) “who is a former senior inspector general investigator.” This person has retained a lawyer. This lawyer has shown CNN documents gathered by the whistle-blower APPEARING to show that Hillary Clinton’s State Department was a pretty fuckin wild place to work. The CNN article communicates this in bullet points, kind of, but what "memo" and what "ambassador" they're talking about can at times be unclear. Best we can figure, the following is all self-evidently true and All Hillary Clinton’s Fault:

• "Undersecretary of state for management" (shouldn’t some of that be capitalized, CNN?) Patrick Kennedy allegedly prevented an investigation into an “active U.S. ambassador” who liked to sneak off and "solicit sexual favors from both prostitutes and minor children," like all the time. Or maybe, as the unnamed ambassador claimed, he just went off for walks sometimes without his security people. Mr. Kennedy gave CNN a statement reading “I have never once interfered, nor would I condone interfering, in any investigation." Notice how he did not say “I have never prevented an investigation from beginning in the first place."

• Between zero and several State Department security personnel did rapes, and in one instance an investigator flown in to investigate (duh) an incident in Beirut “was not given enough time to complete the job.”

• Some members of Hillary Clinton’s security detail paid for sex, what is the world coming to?

• In that vein, there were DRUGS at the embassy in Baghdad. DRUGS!

Hillary’s “people” are claiming Hillary had no idea, of course, because she was born yesterday and she doesn’t even know what a drug or a prostitute is, let alone that the sorts of men who work for private security contractors in extremely hostile environments might actually use such things, what are they again, prosthetics? Yes, actually, we remember hearing a few of them did end up getting prosthetics, very sad.

We are not making light of the alleged rapes or molestations of kids; that shit sucks and anyone who engaged in it or overlooked it deserves whatever millionpound shithammer comes their way.

This story could go one of two places: 1) Nowhere, because Hillary’s already done rode off into the sunset, there are more shocking things going on right now, and Republicans have desensitized us to real scandals with their perpetual wolf-crying, or 2) Somewhere, because sex, drugs, and Hillary Clinton smells like a winning headline.

(Seriously, go read that CNN article. What is going on around that first bullet point? We think we get it, but c’mon CNN, you’re claiming to be a world-class news organization.)

[ CNN ]