We Need To Talk About 'King Andrew'

This one, he got a princely racket!

(Photo: Pixabay)

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the ponce formerly known as Prince Andrew, was not only stripped of his royal titles due to dirt found in the Trump Epstein Child Rape Files but is now the first household name to face prison time for his association with the convicted sex trafficker.

He hasn’t yet been charged with any crimes after being arrested for “suspicion of misconduct” on his birthday last month for allegedly sharing confidential trade secrets with his shitty billionaire pals, and the police investigation is still in the early stages, but we could be looking at a situation similar to how Al Capone ultimately went down for tax fraud instead of murder and racketeering.

Former Prince Andrew Arrested! Former South Korean Prez Going To Jail For Life! Accountability! Democracy!

Or maybe the first domino to fall leading to the redacted names of more untouchables from the Eyes Wide Shut brigade coming out. But it simply isn’t cricket that he remains eighth in line to the throne after nephews William and Harry and their respective royal rugrats, meaning Canada and other Commonwealth realms are just a fatal plane crash or paparazzi car chase away from having a potential King Randy Andy as head of state.

American readers will relate but this one wouldn’t be by choice.

The Brits are looking at ways to remove the guy from this unlikely scenario to play it safe, but it’s not as if King Charles can take a Sharpie to the family tree and be done with it. The United Kingdom doesn’t have exclusive rights to the Crown thanks to the Statute of Westminister passed in 1931 and would need self-governing former colonies to sign on to change the official waiting list. Which isn’t something that can be done in an email. Back in 2011, for example, when Queen Elizabeth wanted to update archaic gender rules so future princesses wouldn’t be leap-frogged to the throne by a younger brother, it took two full years of diplomatic arm-twisting to get everyone to agree.

The Australian and New Zealand governments have both said they’re perfectly fine with giving the old bugger the boot, and Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney added his name to the list on Friday. “I certainly think his actions are deplorable and have caused him to be stripped of his royal titles,” the PM told reporters in Tokyo at the end of a 10-day Indo-Pacific tour seeking new trade agreements. “It merits — necessitates is a better word — his removal from the line of succession. Even though he is well down the line, the point of principle stands.”

Speaking of principles, Canada follows something called the “principle of symmetry,” meaning we’re traditionally OK with whomever the UK picks as dread sovereign but it’s not a copy-and-paste deal. To legally banish him from the line of succession, Ottawa would need to pass its own version of “Bye, Felicia!” legislation. As would Jamaica, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, and several more.

Whether Mr. Mountbatten-Windsor ever sees the business end of a dungeon remains to be seen, but it’s important to savor the small victories when the the rich and powerful are brought low for bad behavior when we can. Like the time I helped ruin an hour of his day as a child!

I once played in an exhibition soccer match in my hometown of Saint John where the former prince was the guest of honor, and it couldn’t have been much fun for him as a spectator. Not even towering Todd Lambert — the Pelé of the u-15 southern New Brunswick soccer scene circa 1985 — went on to become a pro footballer, and the erstwhile Duke of York reportedly has little interest in the game anyway, preferring sports such as polo and golf where only the wealthy have the opportunity to excel. Also the players were all boys and no doubt he would’ve preferred watching athletic adolescent girls running around in shorts for his amusement instead.

I was far more interested in the Prince of Minneapolis at the time despite us sharing the same name but remember feeling a bit badly for Andrew being stuck sweltering in a suit on a hot summer day watching us play. Although he claims to be unable to break a sweat after overdosing on adrenaline from serving as a helicopter pilot in the Falklands War so maybe it wasn’t a sticky situation after all. But I felt even worse for poor Fiddle Edd, the anthropomorphic fiddlehead fern who was the mascot for the upcoming Canada Games, having to spend the day in full regalia. Although less so after the green bastard unexpectedly stole the ball from me at a crucial moment in the game to the crowd’s obvious delight.

Fiddle Edd (left) meets an accused kiddie fiddler at UNB’s Canada Games Stadium. (Screengrab: Matt Frigault/Global News)

It turns out the person in the costume was a kid named Don Darling, who grew up to become mayor of Saint John, meaning Fiddle Edd made a far greater impact on the country’s oldest incorporated city than the war hero who was once second in line to be king. And would probably make for a better one.

[The Guardian / Marie Claire / Global News / Wonkette Blueskies]