Greetings, students! It is my privilege to welcome you to the Ashley River Classical Academy, a new charter school founded by Moms For Liberty to educate budding non-woke patriots. We are so excited to have you here! And your firearm, since open carry is a mandatory school policy. As a reminder, pistols and ammunition can be purchased in the main office. Our school secretary, Mrs. Butterklump, will be happy to show you how to load yours.
You see, here at Ashley River, we believe in helping our young people become the best they can be. In conjunction with our sponsor, Erskine College, and our local Moms For Liberty chapter, we have designed a first-rate, America-focused educational experience that will prepare you not just for the evangelical college of your choice, but for life!
Your parents may have already shared the brochure we sent them explaining that we will teach you using what is called the 1776 Curriculum, which was created by expert educators at Hillsdale College in Michigan, and which a professor at a secular college in New York called “the red [MAGA] hat in textbook form.” To which we say, it sure is. Thank you, Forever President Trump.
Under the 1776 Curriculum, we are proud to offer you courses in capitalism, the Constitution, and tradwifery. You will study core concepts such as American Exceptionalism and the 14 Words. You will learn important history, none of that Critical Race Theory garbage that has been slowly and insidiously destroying America.
But we won’t just spoon-feed that history to you like the unionized teachers would in one of our failing public schools. No, when your teachers at Ashley River talk about, say, how 19th-century suffragists were at best misguided, and at worst tools of Satan determined to destroy America from within, rest assured that you will leave class knowing exactly why it is so important that women not be allowed to vote.
In a public school, they would teach you the exact opposite. That’s indoctrination! And we do not practice indoctrination here at Ashley River Classical Academy. We’re here to teach you the truth. So when we say that America actually led the way in ending slavery in the Western Hemisphere, you can rest assured you never need to consult another source on that, ever.
But Ashley River is so much more than just our curriculum! We believe students learn best in clean and bright environments, so long as someone else pays for it. So when you walk through those doors next Monday, you will enter a sparkling new building with a host of quality facilities made possible by the taxpayers of South Carolina. (Don’t worry, as a charter school, the taxpayers only fund us, they have no say in what evangelical flim-flammery we can stuff into your noggins.)
At Ashley River, you will be able to study quietly in the Dennis Prager Library, where the only books available are by either Shelby Foote or Bill O’Reilly. We love to see our students reading! So long as it’s approved reading and not any of that filth about nonbinary polyamorists or whatever they have in public libraries these days.
We are pleased to note that several of our board members who are also members of Moms For Liberty are working on getting all that smut pulled from the public libraries, mostly by going to local school board meetings and yelling. We’re very proud of them. It is important to us that our students see their elders modeling civic participation for them.
In fact, civic participation is a particular focus of ours. We encourage you during your time at Ashley River to attend city council meetings and yell about wiping anything that even remotely smells of DEI from the face of the Earth. Or you can attend one of our Moms For Liberty-led protests outside the school superintendent’s house until she removes all LGBTQ+ books from all the other schools in the area and buries them in a landfill.
After your quiet study time, you can grab lunch in the Justice Clarence Thomas Cafeteria, named for the greatest justice God ever saw fit to elevate to the Supreme Court. The cafeteria will serve only the greatest dishes in the American culinary canon. (Our unseasoned potato salad is second to none!) I can assure you, there will never be anything called “Taco Tuesday” in the Justice Clarence Thomas Cafeteria.
Do you like sports? The Richard Nixon Memorial Gymnasium, named after our second-smartest and second-best president, is a wonderful new building that is the envy of every other school in the district. You will find that our teams are sorted by gender, as our Lord and Savior intended. There will be no girls who claim they are really boys kicking the football, no boys who claim they are really girls wearing field hockey skirts.
In fact, you will be assigned a Genital Buddy, with whom you will perform genital examinations of each other before every PE class. Just to make sure that you are not a boy trying to hang out around a bunch of naked teenage girls in their locker room like you’re in a sequel to Porky’s. This is for your safety. Please report any and all incidents of Genital Misrepresentation to the main office. Mrs. Butterklump will be happy to help you fill out the form correctly.
We of course offer other extracurricular activities. These include:
Theatre — We are particularly pleased that our first-ever Fall Play will be the classic but rarely performed 19th-century romp Our American Cousin. Keep an eye out for announcements about auditions!
Visual Arts — We just know we have some budding and wholesome Norman Rockwells out there who would love to get some paint on their hands! We also offer classes in photography and sculpting and, of course, protest sign-making. Any human subjects must be portrayed only from the neck up.
AV Club - Learn to make your own Prager University videos!
Gun Club - Because someone has to teach you how to shoot any of your fellow classmates who are trying to shoot your other fellow classmates!
So again, welcome to the Ashley River Charter School! We’re sure you’re going to love it!
Support your local public schools by supporting Wonkette!
A reminder tonight's movie is 𝐌𝐲 𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫 starring Peter O'Toole.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ziggywiggy/p/wonkette-movie-night-jan-20-my-favorite?r=2knfuc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Weird...
A slice of Key Lime pie is $2.50 in the Bahamas, but the same slice of pie is $3 in Jamaica.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Once again, you are all welcome.