Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, Hooper's Pirate Rum!

Hooper's on vacation. He left a strong bottle of rum behind for you. Make your choices unsupervised.

The rum’s in the jug, trust me. Or at least it was at the beginning of my vacation.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender, and I am on vacation! I’m currently in the fields of Pennsic, stabbing people with rapiers, firing cannons, skirmishing with foreign kingdoms, and just generally swashbuckling the heck out of everything. As per my normal inclinations, I’ve built a custom rum blend for the occasion. I tackle this project every year, and each year I learn a little bit more. Let’s drink a bottle of Hooper’s Pirate Grog. Here’s the recipe. 

Hooper’s Pirate Grog

2 cups Planteray Old Fashioned Traditional Dark (OFTD)

1 ½ cups Smith and Cross Jamaican Rum

2 T chai syrup

½ t Hooper’s Pirate Bitters

¼ t saline (50/50 sea salt and water)

1 ¾ cup water

Combine all ingredients. Decant into a bottle or jar and let rest 2-3 days. Serve with cola, pineapple juice, or other mixer. Final product is 88 proof. 

If you read my columns regularly, you should know by now that I love rum. Yes, I’ve worked in tiki bars before. Yes, I dress up like a pirate for Ren faires. But rum is such an amazing spirit. You have rich caramel rum from Demerara, funky rum from Jamaica, toasty traditional rum from Puerto Rico … the flavors are so different and so pronounced, and it’s all due to where the rum is made and how it’s made. “Terroir” — the idea that a thing tastes like the place it’s made — is blindingly obvious in rum. Caribbean rum is different from rum made anywhere else in the world, and I love it so much for that. 

With that in mind, I decided to make the perfect rum for my vacation — something with caramel notes and Jamaican rum, with lots of spice and a touch of sweetness. I spend a lot of time with pirate reenactors, and I have to tell you: Kraken rum is the bane of my existence. It’s colored jet black, heavily sweetened, barely spiced, and it’s distributed by the same company that sells Jose Cuervo. Don’t get me started. Other pirates love it because of the pretty bottle, and it drives me nuts. This blend is intended as a shot across the bow at Kraken. It’s a little sweet, definitely spicy, and stronger than sin … but not as strong as it could be. 

High proof spirits are a trick to work with. I generally don’t pull out 135 proof liquor unless I want to set something on fire. But high-proof spirits are highly concentrated spirits; nothing comes out of a liquor barrel at 80 proof. Distillers add water to their product to bring it to a level most people can enjoy. I’ve got water at home; why not take a high-proof bottle and dilute it down to the level I want? Or several bottles?

This rum recipe is the result of that experiment. I ruthlessly abused Jeffrey Morganthaler’s ABV Calculator to figure out how much water I needed to bring the proof of this bottle down to where I could enjoy it. I started with a bottle of 114 proof Smith and Cross and 138 proof Special Dark Overproof. A little less than two cups of water got me to 88 proof. Kraken is 92 proof, so I’m in striking distance of my nemesis. All that remains is to take my work to some fellow pirates for a taste test. 

Let’s talk ingredients: [Hooper is on vacation and forgot to include the ingredients shot]

Planteray Old Fashioned Traditional Dark (OFTD): Honestly, if I wasn’t in a DIY mood for the holidays, this is the rum I’d take with me on vacation. This bottle is the result of a bunch of rumheads sitting around a table saying, “what would the perfect overproof rum taste like?” They kinda nailed it. Technically, “OFTD” stands for “Old Fashioned Traditional Rum,” but in reality it stands for “Oh F**k That’s Delicious.” Not to be sipped casually, but a splash in some cola is amazing. 

Smith and Cross Jamaican Rum: A big, beautiful traditional Jamaican rum. I used this last week for the Maidstone, and I simply couldn’t bear to leave the bottle at home. Combined with OFTD the Jamaican notes become stronger, but it’s still got a strong caramel backbone. 

Hooper’s Pirate Bitters: I made these bitters months ago, and I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t have my vacation in mind when I crafted them. Making your own bitters is a fun experiment, especially if you’re bored of Angostura. This batch was heavy on spice, and the mix I’ve made has a clove and pepper finish that lingers as you finish your sip. 

Chai Spice: Another holdover from last week I didn’t want to leave at home. More spice, but different spices, along with some needed sugar to mute the alcohol burn. Captain Morgan, eat your heart out. 

Saline: A tiny amount of salt with your sugar can sharpen flavors and keep a drink from feeling syrupy. I keep an eyedropper of 50/50 sea salt and water on the bar, and it always proves to be a key “special ingredient.” 

Water: This bottle absolutely needs some dilution if I had any hope of remembering my vacation. The mixed bottle tasted “wet” initially, but after a few days the mixed rums had enough space to breathe and express their flavors. A little lime juice, some ice, and I’ll have some relaxing downtime after a day of derring-do. 

See you next week, folks!

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