Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Recipe, GROG!

Your bartender has turned completely pirate for the weekend. Plunder some hearts and go drinking with him.

Our Flag Means Death. Image courtesy Donald Ridenbaugh.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m writing this early in the week. Come Friday, I’ll be on the adventure of a lifetime. I’ve joined the crew of the Scavenger, a living history re-enactment group based in Florida. As you’re reading this, I’m sitting on a desert island four hours south of Tampa, all my modern clothes and belongings left far behind, living the life of a pirate in the year 1717 as best I can. This is easily the most pirate thing I’ve ever done — that I could even dream of doing. So while it’s Valentine’s Day for most of you lot, I’ll share the cocktail I’m drinking right now. Pour out a cup of grog for me, lads and lasses. Plunder’s on the horizon.

GROG!

1.25 oz Smith and Cross Jamaican Rum

5 oz water

Juice of 1 lime

Sugar to taste

Stir well and consume around noon. You’ll have three more of these through the course of the day.

Before I dive into the history, a brief Q&A is probably in order.

Q: You’re doing what now?

A: Two days ago, on Wednesday, I flew from Cleveland to Tampa and met up with some internet acquaintances. They drove me to our Captain’s home, where I fixed up my clothing and helped pack. On Thursday at 4 AM, we drove for a few hours to meet a charter boat. We left all our clothes from 2026 behind and dressed as sailors from 1717. We set up camp, made some introductions, and began to tell the story of our lives as sailors on the Scavenger, a twenty-gun pirate brig, currently grounded for her annual cleaning in preparation for a season of piracy. We’ll be playing dice and cards, standing watch, drinking, smoking, and debating our course of action for the year. (1717 is a high point in pirate history; Blackbeard takes command of Queen Anne’s Revenge this year. He’s hunted down and killed in the fall of 1718. The chance that we’ll all go down in a blaze of glory is real.) We’ll pack up on Sunday. I’ll be killing time in Tampa for a day and a half before flying home.

Q: Why on earth are you doing this?

Because I’m almost 55, and this is absolutely a thing for the bucket list. A weekend on a desert island eating hard tack and salt pork is a bit … spartan. But it’s the most immersive, honest exploration of what it was actually like to be one of the pirates of the Caribbean I could possibly be a part of, ever. I might do it once and be glad of the experience. I might become addicted and do this every year. No matter what, this is an experience I can’t pass up.

And yes, I’ll have a ton of pictures. It’s 1717, but we all ignore cellphones. Everyone wants pictures.

Q: Good for you. This cocktail isn’t really exciting. What gives?

This is a fairly accurate depiction of what a rum ration for British sailors in the year 1717 would receive in a day. I’m sure pirates were more liberal with their rum, but the Navy had some fairly hard and fast rules about how much rum you got for a day at sea. “Navy strength” rum is roughly 57 proof; legend has it that if you soaked gunpowder with rum and the slurry ignited, it had “withstood the proof.” (Do not try this at home.) That rum was diluted to a 4:1 ratio with some really nasty water. Lime and sugar were extras you bought on your own dime. Pirates poured it a bit heavier, but not too far off from what I’m suggesting.

Let’s talk ingredients:

Plunder shot. Arrgh, me hearties. Image courtesy Donald Ridenbaugh.

Smith & Cross Jamaican Rum: Rum became the spirit of choice for the Brits around 1680, after their conquest of Jamaica. Jamaican rum remains iconic; the “hogo,” or funk of Jamaica, is unmistakable. I describe it at the bar as the taste of “overripe bananas and feet.” It’s better than it sounds, honest. Use whatever rum you like. I started with some Mount Gay here, but somehow my bottle didn’t last the weekend.

Water: A livelier mixer than water wouldn’t be out of line in 2026. I’d recommend pineapple juice, grapefruit soda, or both. Coca-Cola isn’t great with Jamaican rum.

Limes and Sugar: I have … no idea if I’ll have these available on a desert island in the Caribbean. Sure would be nice, though!

My home bar is currently a sandbar in the middle of the Atlantic. But normally, it’s Hemingway’s Underground, the hottest cocktail bar in pretty little Medina, Ohio. I’m behind the stick Wednesday-Saturday, 4-10. Last call’s at midnight. Swing on by and I’ll make a drink for you… or anything else from our little Happy Hour here at Wonkette.

OPEN THREAD!