Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, Doctor Funk!

Get down and funky with this tiki classic.

Get down with your funky bad self.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. Tiki season is rapidly approaching, and I simply cannot wait. I found this nifty little drink in the back pages of Donn Beach’s menu. It’s a very refreshing introduction to spring, and rum, and many summer drinks on the horizon. It’s also the most piratical — and literary — cocktail I’ve ever written about. Shiver me timbers, me hearties, it’s time to visit Doctor Funk. Here’s the recipe: 

Doctor Funk

2 ¼ oz Goslings Blackstrap Rum

½ oz lemon juice

½ oz lime juice

½ oz rich simple syrup

¼ oz absinthe

½ oz house grenadine

Shake all ingredients well. Pour over crushed ice into a sling glass and garnish with a lime wheel. 

When I first encountered this drink, I assumed it was another tall tale from the father of tiki, Donn Beach, aka Donn the Beachcomber. Donn was full of tales concerning his Polynesian adventures; it was never clear where the real person ended and the legend began. This cocktail nicely rounds out a classy ‘50s cocktail menu with a touch of exotic absinthe, and with a cheesy-sounding name like Doctor Funk it surely had to be something Donn came up with himself. His stories of a Polynesian doctor mixing up an exotic cocktail for the “health” of his clients had to be fiction, right?

As it turns out, there really was a Dr. Bernhard Funk who cared for patients in Samoa. The good Dr. Funk arrived in the islands in 1879, and went more than a bit native in his time. Not long after his arrival, the doctor married Leonora Hayes, the daughter of notorious American pirate Captain Bully Hayes. Accounts say that the marriage dissolved within six months, in a loud, messy, and public debacle. Dr. Funk had the good sense to remarry locally, and in time he settled down with a nice chieftain’s daughter. 

Amazingly enough, this isn’t the only connection Dr. Funk had to the world of piracy. In his later years, Dr. Funk became good friends with another expat — Scottish author Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island. Stevenson died of a brain hemorrhage at the age of 44, fighting for the rights of the native people in his beloved Samoa. It was a life ended too soon, but passing away in an island home with the services of a good mixologist nearby isn’t the worst way to go.  

Dr. Funk’s original cocktail was an absinthe limeade of sorts; you still see versions of the drink in New Orleans, where it’s called an absinthe frappe. Donn Beach had the completely unsurprising inspiration to add rum to the drink. Earthy blackstrap rum and tart house grenadine help to ground the flavors in the cocktail and keep the absinthe from completely taking over the glass. As it stands, the drink tastes almost minty, but with a lingering finish that will remind you of the black jellybeans out of your Easter basket. Like all of Donn Beach’s recipes, this drink is very well balanced and hides the booze under layers of flavor. As one source put it, “Don’t drink too many of these, or else you’ll need your own doctor.” 

Let’s talk ingredients:

Ingredient shot. I forgot how much I love Goslings, especially in the company of other rums.

Gosling’s Blackstrap Rum: This rum is made from blackstrap molasses, but uses other flavorings to give it its distinct earthy flavor (including a little blackstrap added after distilling). In Donn Beach’s time, Meyer’s Jamaican Rum was the standard for good blackstrap. Since then, the quality has diminished greatly. Gosling’s is the best alternative that’s commonly available. Cruzan’s another nice blackstrap that has a strong molasses flavor; it’s not my favorite, but I have friends who adore it. Give it a try. 

Lemon and lime juice: Always use fresh. It’s tempting to get the little plastic bottles, considering the quantity of fruit juice in this drink, but resist. Plastic fruit produces plastic juice. 

Pernod Absinthe: A little goes a very long way in this drink. I’ve seen a version that uses ⅙ oz of absinthe; that’s too small an amount to measure consistently, in my opinion. If you’re a Sazerac fan, you might have a misting bottle of absinthe in your liquor cabinet; a couple of spritzes of absinthe in the cocktail shaker will do the trick here. 

Rich simple syrup: 2:1 sugar to water, heated until the sugar dissolves. Demerara syrup is also a great choice here — that’s 2:1 sugar in the raw to water, if you’re playing along at home.

House grenadine: Use my custom recipe for this. Avoid Rose’s grenadine at all costs, it tastes nothing like real grenadine ought to. 

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!  

If you’re buying cocktail implements and whatnot at Amazon, this button gives us a small commission!

You can find me on Threads and Insta at samurai_grog!

OPEN THREAD!