Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Espresso Martini!

Now she's gone, and I'm out with a friend. Lips full of passion, coffee in bed.

This is a pretty nice sipper, by the way. The ABV hovers around 40 or so.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. Let’s get in one more good dessert martini before the holiday ends, one of the the ‘80s classics that goes in and out of style but never wholly fades away. One more pick-me-up to get those last presents wrapped can’t hurt. Time for a rock-solid Espresso Martini. Here’s the recipe: 

Espresso Martini

1 ½  oz fresh espresso

1 ½ oz Plantation Three Stars Rum

½ oz Grind Double Espresso Liqueur

Add all ingredients in order to your cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake until chilled and strain into a cold martini glass. Garnish with three coffee beans.

According to legend, the original espresso martini was created in 1983 by London-based bartender Dick Bradsell at Fred’s Club. A young, well-known fashion model came into the bar and specifically asked for a drink that would “wake me up and f**k me up.” Dick’s version was a bit more elaborate than the current modern one; he used both Kahlua and Tia Maria as his coffee liqueurs, and poured a ristretto shot for the cocktail. (Ristretto is a fancy way of drawing an espresso shot that makes it less bitter and more sweet. I can guarantee that the nice teenager behind your local coffee kiosk has no idea how to make one.) 

The most intriguing part of the story is that Mr. Bradsell refused to name the supermodel who asked for the drink. He would make broad allusions, but maintained his professional discretion and never named the young woman. The best guesses to date have been Kate Moss or Naomi Campbell. If it was Kate Moss, things would be a bit awkward. She was only 16 back in 1983. Bradsell died in 2016, so he took the secret to the grave with him — along with his unbesmirched liquor license. 

There’s a long history of cocktails that use stimulants and alcohol to make you an alert drunk. Irish Coffee is easily my favorite, but White Russians play into the same template. The most lowbrow version of this idea is the dreadful vodka and Red Bull. It looks terrible and tastes worse, but it does get the job done. I recently saw a meme on a bartenders forum that suggested combining Panera’s infamous charged lemonade with Malort to “break a hole into the fourth dimension.” I shuddered and averted my eyes, as if someone had shown me a page from the Necronomicon.

That being said, Dick Bradsell’s original recipe was clearly a child of the ‘80s. Vodka was king back then, and the original was 2:1 vodka to coffee. He also added a touch of simple syrup, which probably counteracted some pretty harsh espresso. I swapped the vodka for my favorite white rum and upped the espresso ratio to match my palate. 

The challenge with any espresso martini is temperature. Hot espresso will melt the shaker ice and dilute the cocktail. Most recipes I see suggest letting the espresso sit until it’s room temperature before making the drink. That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me; cold espresso is extremely bitter, and I can’t see drawing shots and letting them sit before service. The simpler answer would be to add your ice to the shaker after you’ve added the ingredients. The liqueurs should temper the espresso to the point where it won’t produce unnecessary melt. To hedge my bet, I’m going to suggest chilling the rum before making the cocktail. 

Let’s talk ingredients:

Ingredient shot. Yes, I like Starbucks blonde espresso. Don’t judge.

Espresso: The recipe I wrote hinges on getting good espresso and using it before it turns bitter. Cold brew coffee is an excellent alternative, and is easy to find these days, but then it isn’t an “Espresso Martini” per se. I am in love with my moka pot for quick, easy, at-home espresso — a kitchen gadget with no moving parts for less than $20 that makes killer coffee. Easily worth the investment. Don’t be cheap on your coffee; there’s nowhere to hide bad ingredients in this drink. 

Plantation Three Stars Rum: Easily my favorite “white” or unaged rum. This rum is dry and mild, but still has some great character. It’s easily my daiquiri base of choice. Bacardi would be my second choice; it’s mild to the point of being bland, but has a whisper of vanilla that plays well in this drink. 

Grind Double Espresso Liqueur: I picked up this bottle as a Kahlua alternative, and I’m still very fond of it. I cannot stress enough how very, very bad Kahlua is. If you hunt, you can find the Tia Maria that Dick used in his original, which I would also recommend. 

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!  

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